After someone to go over my narrative and just tell me their first impressions and improvements that could be made? (link below)

Question

anonymous · Answer

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jagatuba · Answer

ashstaaa123: I marked up your piece with marginal comments. I mostly looked and grammar and some word usage issues, but you used a lot of strained language. Redwood Girl offered to go through it again and point where you can change the descriptions to help with flow and word usage. So while she is doing that you can go through what I have and then she will post her edits and you can address those. I like your story.

anonymous · Answer

Okay, first of all, the essay with the phrases highlighted that, on a quick first pass, I thought worked particularly well.

anonymous · Answer

Then, comments on the first paragraph, and one possible revision of it.  I've taken many liberties here, as you'll see, but I think this is the effect you are going for.  

Where you achieve what you're striving for, the effect is quite nice.  I think if you keep working on this narrative voice, you'll become very good at it.  You've got a good sense of rhythm and tone, and a nice turn of phrase now and again.  I'm reminded of a particular narrative style -- wish I could think of which author, or authors.

Anyway, why don't you play with it now, see what you come up with.  If you like, I can continue.  But it would be more worthwhile for you to attempt to take it to the next level.

anonymous · Answer

By the way, not as an example of the sort of deft humor you want to weave into your narrative, but as an example of fine description and fine scene-painting, you should read the opening chapter of _Bleak House_ -- http://www.wingspanens-literature.com/Bleak_House/1.html

anonymous · Answer

Thanx guys, I've taken a look at your suggestions, and for the most part they are pretty good. What do you mean by "take it to the next level" Redwod Girl?

anonymous · Answer

I mean, your writing is pretty good, but you can make it better.  Some phrases, some sentences, are smooth as is, and achieve the effect you're looking for.  Others falter.  I can see you reaching in the text, feel the strain.  They're not fluid yet, not (as they will be the more you work at it) seemingly effortless yet.