Question

Hey! Can someone please proofread/edit my essay? Thanks!

Answer 1

If no one else has come along to help in the meantime, I may be able to take a look later on. What you've posted is only one page -- so this is just the start, and you are still working on it?

Answer 2

No, the essay is only supposed to be one page.

Answer 3

Try proofreading your paper by reading out loud to make sure certain parts aren't too long or choppy. I think you have an interesting viewpoint, but a little more clarity in your writing would go a long way to explain your point.

Answer 4

@bwilson, I've taken a look and I can't find an organizing principle -- or even a clear focus. The opening sentence is convoluted and unclear. It also has some syntactical problems. Then, what is the relationship between the first and the second sentences? The lynchpin seems to be "living things," but I can't make sense of where the discussion is going. The second (one-sentence) paragraph is dense with insider speak, and no explanation of what these things mean or what these relationships actually consist of. The third paragraph seems to veer even more completely off the path of what it is you are trying to say.

How would you summarize your thesis -- what it is you are trying to say about these two pieces? Even if you are writing to an audience familiar with the concepts you address in the essay, you need to orient the audience better to what it is that you want to say about these concepts. Your sentences still need to be more direct, clearer. And for an essay of only one page, there are too many concepts in play, too many lengthy quotations. An essay of only one page needs to be pared down to address an issue of more limited scope, and then that material explored in greater detail.