Question

would someone please check this part of my essay :)!

Answer 1

Well I think u’re essay is quite convincing and interesting. I was thinking maybe sh’d add a title for it so people can know what u’re focusing on and a conclusion will also be good not to leave any “cliff hangers”.
I think it would be better to put the second paragraph as the introduction because it sets the focus of u’re essay.
You also need transitions from one paragraph to the next to give it more flow and to associate the ideas in each paragraph with each other.

Answer 2

A small typo I guess: paragraph 3, line 2: "I was so stress out....."
It must be "stressed".

Answer 3

That's so good!!! Good job XD