Question

Could someone please give me some feedback on this poem?
I am just afraid that it's a bit too ambiguous and not descriptive enough!
Thank you :)

Answer 1

FORGETTING:
well it happens a lot.

sometimes when you enter the room --
invitation only but plus ones’ are allowed,
come in, with Purpose.
gatecrasher bandits, shiny spurs, pistols and southern drawl, demanding all valuables.
they kidnap your date.
gun embraces head, trigger pulled.
you leave, with nothing
but holes in your pockets and cavities in your head.
confusion.
why did you attend in the first place?

but sadder still,
like famished moths, sometimes it nibbles away at the memory of a person --
their names sits on the tip of your tongue
legs dangling off the edge.
it’s looking through a fogged up window,
with morning eyes.
the warmth of their touch: scraped from your skin
the scent of their hair: lost in the breeze
the hue of their eyes: invisible
were they brown?

a million grapple hooks on your brain, clinging for dear life
snip, snip, snip
gone.
like balloons eloping in the wind
your clammy hands snatch at starchy strings
futile efforts
one day they may ask me why i wrote this poem
tilted head, furrowed brows
“you know i’d love to tell you, but i can’t seem to remember”

Answer 2

wow! i like it! but a little more details would be nice....

Answer 3

It's very clever, but you draw from alot of immadery. usually poems have a theme..you could keep with the western/violence theme...if you reintroduced it in the final stanza the flow would improve...the "baloons eloping in the wind" is an excellent line, but you might be better served with a similar cowboy/western/gun reference

Answer 4

thank you both so much for your comments!
@riverdawn5: what type of details in particular :)?
@r.arena: i get what you mean, thank you for pointing that out! i will try my best to incorporate a western reference at the end

Answer 5

thats poetic... and not cohesive i feel...some times it tingles, many times it crawls around...but wonderful in bringing out those content (forgetting) ....i mean illustrative....thanks unicorn