Question

My essay..
Its really lame.
@OpenstudyUser @saifoo.khan

Answer 1

Why saif?

Answer 2

Because I wanted him to read it.
But, I need one person to edit it for me..

Answer 3

Animal cruelty is very bad and needs to be stopped. Hurting an animal is like hurting a child. Everything has feelings, and should be treated as so. Through two months of hard work, I learned that it really does pay off.

I dont see how the last sentence of this paragraph fits with what you were saying before it.

Answer 4

The teacher added that part.
The essay was supposed to be something I believe in. And she wouldn't let me do JUST animal cruelty. So I made my belief statement "hard work pays off"

Answer 5

Hold up..I know how to change that.

Answer 6

Animal cruelty is very bad and needs to be stopped. Hurting an animal is like hurting a child. Everything has feelings, and should be treated as so. Through two months of watching it happen, and doing what I could to stop it, of hard work, I learned that hard work pays off.

Answer 7

Yes, that is a lot better haha. Good.

Answer 8

take out 'of hard work'

Answer 9

"When the kittens got older, I would ask my mom if I could have one"

It sounds funny when you said "I would" Shouldnt it be like,
"When the kittens got older, I could ask my mom if i could have one"

Answer 10

But...
I thought it would say 'would ask..' because it would be in the future...

Answer 11

But it hadnt actually happened, so "could" would be a better tense to use. Yenno?

Answer 12

"There were four kittens total: two identical Siamese, an orange tabby, and a black/white one. "

Now, i learned today in English class, that we NEVER use the / or \ because its a mathematical symbol of divison. So try putting an "and" between black and white.

Answer 13

"One had a white mustache, the other had an orange."


Orange what?

Answer 14

Okay, so would that be
"One had a white mustache, the other had an orange one"? would use 'one' or 'mustache'?

Answer 15

"They snuggled into me, when I sat down, purring and falling asleep."

Now this sounds funny. Try saying it aloud, and it will not fit in right. So try out:
"When I sat down, the kittens snuggled into me, purring and falling asleep. "

Answer 16

Yes you would use "one" or "mustache"

Answer 17

"Time for me to go."

Wrong portion of time. You have to have the same tense throughout the whole essay. So instead of that, try out,
"It was time for me to go"

Answer 18

"I’d do all I could."

Now, every essay i have written, i was told the same thing. That we will spell everything out. For example:
I'd= I would
We'd= We would
It's= It is
She'd= She would.

So go through your essay, and make sure you have spelled everything out. No conjunctions.

Answer 19

Oh joy..This'll be fun. Dx

Answer 20

"Summer was here, the kittens were 20 days old, and starting to find their legs."

Cute sentence. But like I said, stay in tense. So instead of "Summer was here" try, "Summer had arrived"

Answer 21

"They finally stopped, and as soon as the kitten’s legs touched lap, they took off. "

"touched lap" What?

Answer 22

"My plan was to check on them, feed and water them… Take care of them to show my mom I was responsible."

Take the three dots out. You cannot have that in an essay.

Answer 23

"Monday was here, Marshall and Ocee gone, the kittens free"

Two problems here: "Monday was here.." Okay, so like the one before, try out "Monday had finally arrived"
Next Problem: "...the kittens free" I dont know how to interpret that.

Answer 24

Kittens free meaning free form the torture.

Answer 25

Then add that. "Monday was here, Marshall and Ocee gone, the kittens were free from torture"

Answer 26

"I grabbed the Siamese with the white lip (Milkshake), as soon as I got there, and held her close"
This sentence is out of order.
"As soon as i got there, I grabbed the Siamese with the white lip (Milkshake), and held her close"

Answer 27

brb.

Answer 28

Were you supposed to write a narrative or a research paper?

Answer 29

oh good point!! @Agent_Sniffles what kind of paper is it??

Answer 30

I proofread ur essay @Agent_Sniffles
Hope it helps!! lemme know if u need further help proofreading :)

Answer 31

good luck!! :D

Answer 32

the stuff i fixed is in red :) anyhoooo hope it helps!!

Answer 33

oh and i put feedback and comments and stuff :) hope that helps u :)

Answer 34

@Hero I have no clue... It was just supposed to be a belief essay. Thats all she told me.