My thesis statement is: Domestic Minor Sex Trafficking not only affects the victim, but it also effects our society as a whole.
My problem, is that is doesn't seem very "academic-sounding". I need to change that, because this is for a research paper for my senior project, which is a really big grade. Can somebody help me fix my thesis statement so that it does seem to be more "academic-sounding" please? This would help me out so much.

Question

My thesis statement is: Domestic Minor Sex Trafficking not only affects the victim, but it also effects our society as a whole.
My problem, is that is doesn't seem very "academic-sounding". I need to change that, because this is for a research paper for my senior project, which is a really big grade. Can somebody help me fix my thesis statement so that it does seem to be more "academic-sounding" please? This would help me out so much.

anonymous · Answer

This may be something you'd like to revise at the end, so long as you're keeping the same idea. Once you've written more, and have more information in your head rewording something to sound more scholarly will be easier.

anonymous · Answer

attachment

anonymous · Answer

that is what I have so far, but it still seems kind of lame

anonymous · Answer

please read the file that I attached, and see what you think your self, and send me a reply of what you think

anonymous · Answer

By the way, thank you so much for helping me with this, it really means a lot to me that you are doing this.

anonymous · Answer

At this moment in time I can't look into it at that depth, is possible I can look at it later? I see a lot of revision needed in the first couple sentences. something you can think about is that your teacher would probably prefer if you spoke more actively, and possibly avoid say, said, said. ex. Many of Americans have never even heard.... opposed to " a lot of them said that they had never even heard "

anonymous · Answer

okay

anonymous · Answer

Since my thesis is at the end of the paragraph, based on what you read so far, what do you think of it?

anonymous · Answer

Here is the updated version of the thing I was talking to you earlier about.

anonymous · Answer

Some things highlited, and my revision of the origional one you showed me. I'll look at your revised in a little bit.

anonymous · Answer

Never ever ever ever ever use I or we in a formal essay. EVER. If you're writing an opinioned essay... say your OPINION on domestic trafficing, then it would be alright, but you're writing a thesis paper. Because this is your senior paper, try to use more elevated vocabulary, I'm sure you're capable. Try to be less wordy, unless your teacher wants it to be flowery.