Question

In no fewer than three sentences, critique the following paragraph. Explain where it could be improved. Then, in your own words, rewrite the paragraph to make its writing stronger. Make sure you include a hook, supporting evidence, and a topic sentence. Use correct spelling and grammar. Learning to swim is one of my happiest childhood memories. The beach offers more than a place to develop strong swimming skills. There are many things to do at the beach. It is unfortunate that so many people spend every day indoors. More people should take time to visit their local beaches. I am glad I learne

Answer 1

The following paragraph includes many short, simple sentences which creates very little effective. There is no descriptive or figurative language used at all. The story creates little tension and has no hook, meaning the reader is not drawn in. A suggestion would be to write it like this:

Learning to swim is one of my happiest childhood memories. The beach is not just a place to develop swimming skills, but a place for enjoyment, fun and the building of relationships. There are many enjoyable things to do at the beach - including kite flying, sand-castle building and surfing! It is unfortunate that so many people spend every day indoors and do not get to experience the rich smell of the ocean, the soft wind and the salty smell that lingers in your nose for days. More people should take the time to visit their local beaches and just let themselves feel their freedom for a while. I am glad I learned (there is no more here, but I'm just going to assume it is:) to swim!