Could anyone please read this essay and critique it as critical as possible. Tell me what I did wrong and how I can make it better. Please.

Question

Could anyone please read this essay and critique it  as critical as possible. Tell me what I did wrong and how I can make it better. Please.

anonymous · Answer

I would help you but my computer won't open .docx. I'm sorry.

anonymous · Answer

attachment

anonymous · Answer

@ParthKohli  @thomaster @mathslover

anonymous · Answer

Wow, this is really good! 
The only thing I saw were a couple grammar errors. Other than that your essay is really good.

anonymous · Answer

could you please edit the picture where the errors are and re attach the photo?

anonymous · Answer

Sure :)

anonymous · Answer

thank you!

anonymous · Answer

No problem, It's going to take me a few minutes because I have to transfer the type of file. It's almost done.

anonymous · Answer

ok thank you

anonymous · Answer

You're welcome :) Okie dokie, here you go. It wouldn't let me take out any text only add. But what I would is take out the "Think about it" part because if you end it with the question "What would you do for your family" they will most likely think about it :D

anonymous · Answer

you smart HMT