Question

Guys can anyone help me revise my narrative ?

Answer 1

This is the story of an inspiring teenager, who was able to overcome every obstacle,
that was placed in front of him. Meet Jordan he seems like the average teenager; goes to school, hangs out with friends, and plays sports. Jordan on the other-hand is not. He loves to play soccer (the most played sport in the world). When he is done with homework and chores, he practices soccer many hours of the rest of the day. He has been like this for many years. Being determined to play professionally. There is only one downside. He has not been brought up in a normal family. He has suffered a lot of verbal abuse during his childhood and still continues in his teen years. This abuse causes him to look down on himself, to be depressed, low self-esteem, and not feeling like he is good enough. He also plays on a soccer team, where he does not play so good due to these struggles he is facing at home. The stress he takes from home comes with him on the field and he plays much differently then when he plays by himself. Jordan has a really good friend who is on the same road of playing soccer. His name is Mark. He was raised in a good loving family and he reflects that in his everyday life. He does his best at being a friend to Jordan, and also helps him with his confidence. They both play on the same soccer team, and are trying to get a scholarship for college or even go pro in soccer.

Jordan and Mark’s soccer team have a showcase tournament in a few days. Its a tournament where top ranked soccer teams of many states of the U.S play. Hundreds of college coaches come to see showcase tournaments, Players hope to get scouted. The first game starts in a day so their team gets their things ready and drive off to Orlando. On the way there their coach gives them advice and does his best to boost the players morale. Jordan is worried because he left home without permission. Knowing that his parents would be really upset. Finally they have the first few games, and won all of them. Now they automatically get to the semi finals.

This very important game starts. The team is doing well and Jordan is actually performing well.
This is the second game he had played in this tournament cause other players were injured after the first ones. First half is over and the team is losing the games by two points. Knowing this Jordan’s team is desperate. Second half starts and Jordan gets the ball. He passes the ball to Mark, who plays in the midfield, and then runs forward. Mark crosses the ball; Jordan receives the ball, and lobs it towards the net. He scores a beautiful goal. The opposing team is now nervous and can’t afford to lose the lead. Jordan gets the ball again and takes down the line and passes two defenders. Now he has one more to pass. He is now in the eighteen-yard box and passes the last defender then is too close to the goalie.
he chips the ball just when he was about to make contact with the goalie. His ankle gets hit terribly by the cleat of the goalie but he scores. The crowd is cheering but not knowing that Jordan is injured.
The field medics come to help him and discover that his ankle has been severely bruised and with an open wound. He can no longer play in the tournament. Luckily the team won by penalties after overtime.


His team loses the final and they drive home. Jordan and mark both are upset of losing the final.
They get back home and continue with their lives. Jordan not knowing that a college scout called his dad if He could come to an interview and will be given a scholarship to a division one college. He gets home depressed thinking that his parents are going to be really mad for what he has done. On the contrary, they were happy for him and gave him the good news. Jordan's dad told him: Son you have a twenty five thousand dollar scholarship.

Answer 2

i Wrote this but is there anyway i can edit and make it better then it is?

Answer 3

Yeah, I see a few already.
Umm... Let's edit it one paragraph at a time.

Answer 4

okay

Answer 5

This is a lot. o-o

Answer 6

I know

Answer 7

I dont know if its good enough for a final draft for my teacher. i need to finish this by tommorow

Answer 8

in order for me to start the school year

Answer 9

Okay, I can help with some of it but I have to leave soon.

Answer 10

no problem. if you can just give me any tips or information that i could do by my self that would help dramatically

Answer 11

Just some errors with comma placement.

Answer 12

This is the story of an inspiring teenager, who was able to overcome every obstacle
that was placed in front of him. Meet Jordan, he seems like the average teenager; goes to school, hangs out with friends, and plays sports. Jordan on the other-hand, is not. He loves to play soccer (the most played sport in the world). When he is done with homework and chores, he practices soccer many hours of the rest of the day. He has been like this for many years. Being determined to play professionally. There is only one downside. He has not been brought up in a normal family. He has suffered a lot of verbal abuse during his childhood and still continues in his teen years. This abuse causes him to look down on himself, to be depressed, low self-esteem, and not feeling like he is good enough. He also plays on a soccer team, where he does not play so good due to these struggles he is facing at home. The stress he takes from home comes with him on the field and he plays much differently then when he plays by himself. Jordan has a really good friend who is on the same road of playing soccer. His name is Mark. He was raised in a good loving family and he reflects that in his everyday life. He does his best at being a friend to Jordan, and also helps him with his confidence. They both play on the same soccer team, and are trying to get a scholarship for college or even go pro in soccer.

Answer 13

what grade are u in ?

Answer 14

11th

Answer 15

going into 12th

Answer 16

o sh**lol then ya comma placement is a pretty big deal you should fix it

Answer 17

yup and you should do your own test and actually study. Im trying

Answer 18

wait what ???????? O_o y u getting so mad bro

Answer 19

Because i really don't have time for nonsense right now

Answer 20

Jordan and Mark’s soccer team have a showcase tournament in a few days. It's a tournament where top ranked soccer teams of many states of the U.S play. Hundreds of college coaches come to see showcase tournaments, players hope to get scouted. The first game starts in a day so their team gets their things ready and drive off to Orlando. On the way there, their coach gives them advice and does his best to boost the players morale. Jordan is worried because he left home without permission, knowing that his parents would be really upset. Finally, they have the first few games, and won all of them. Now they automatically get to the semi finals.

Answer 21

hey bro calm tf down ok dont go there

Answer 22

Shhhhhhhhhh guys.

Answer 23

im not going to type anymore

Answer 24

sorry @.TH3_M0NST3R.

Answer 25

This very important game starts. The team is doing well and Jordan is actually performing well.
This is the second game he had played in this tournament because other players were injured after the first ones. After the first half is over, the team is losing the game by two points. Knowing this, Jordan’s team is desperate. The second half starts, and Jordan gets the ball. He passes the ball to Mark, who plays in the midfield, and then runs forward. Mark crosses the ball; Jordan receives the ball, and lobs it towards the net. He scores a beautiful goal. The opposing team is now nervous and can’t afford to lose the lead. Jordan gets the ball again and takes down the line and passes two defenders. Now he has one more to pass. He is now in the eighteen-yard box and passes the last defender then is too close to the goalie.
He chips the ball just when he was about to make contact with the goalie. His ankle gets hit terribly by the cleat of the goalie but he scores. The crowd is cheering but un-knowing that Jordan is injured.
The field medics come to help him and discover that his ankle has been severely bruised and includes an open wound. He can no longer play in the tournament. Luckily the team won by penalties after overtime.

Answer 26

His team loses the final, and they drive home. Jordan and Mark are both upset of losing the final.
They get back home and continue with their lives. Jordan, not knowing that a college scout called, inquired his dad if he could come to an interview, and will be given a scholarship to a division one college. He gets home depressed, thinking that his parents are going to be really mad for what he has done. On the contrary, they were happy for him and gave him the good news. Jordan's dad told him: "Son you have a twenty five thousand dollar scholarship!"

Answer 27

BINGO! Done. ;b

Answer 28

wow. thanks

Answer 29

but hey what can i study to learn comma errors ?

Answer 30

Well, just remember that commas are used to imply a short pause.
So, wherever a short pause is needed, insert a comma. (:

Answer 31

thanks

Answer 32

No problem!