Question

Critique my short story please?

Answer 1

Collision
By Jaedon Allen
It was Saturday; Tyler Norton was lying in bed. He was alone, no friends, no family member in a 400 mile radius, and no relationship with any female in the area. He lived in an abandoned house with not electricity or water. He had 3 pairs of clothes and barley had the money to wash them. Did Tyler care about any of this? No, Tyler felt like a free man, he felt he was doing his own thing in life. He was happy with himself.
It was Saturday; Thomas Foxx was heading home from work. He would come home to his roommate Alex, later tonight he would call his mother and wish her a happy 54th birthday, and he would text a girl he met on an online dating site all throughout the night. Thomas owned a 4 bedroom apartment on the 34th floor of the complex; very expensive. Mr. Foxx owned the Arizona Kings baseball team. The Kings have won the World Series 4 years in a row and are working towards a 5th. To everybody in the world, Thomas had it all but he wasn’t happy.
It was a rainy Sunday night, very unusual weather for Arizona. Tyler walked in to the Goble Bar on 34th street. Not many people came into this particular bar as it was located in a crime heavy area. Tyler sat at the bar and ordered.
“Straight lemon juice.” He spoke with a soft tone. The bartender gave him a questionable look.
“We don’t give out lemon juice son; I wouldn’t even know what to charge you.” The bartender said sarcastically. Tyler stood up with anger as he got angry easy.
“See this hundred dollar bill? I robbed it from a man I just beat the crap out of, now unless you would like the same done to you, give me my lemon juice!” He got his juice. Thomas had no business coming to this bar but for some reason he decided to. He sat three stools away from Tyler at the bar. Tyler was sipping his juice from a little straw and stared at Thomas like a 3rd grader would stare at his crush. Thomas was a polite man and was very respectful to everyone he met; he was very naive to everything.
“Is there something I can help you with?” Thomas asked Tyler.
“You look very familiar, I definitely kno- You, you own the Arizona Kings baseball team! Am I right? Yes of course I am!” Tyler laughed a walked over to Thomas, he sat right next to him. Thomas was scared and a little worried.
“Um yes, that would be me.” He stuttered.
“What is God’s name are you doing in a place like this? You’re rich!” Tyler was yelling at this point. He had perfectly straight teeth and reminded Thomas of a young Brad Pitt.
“I just thought I try somewhere different.” Thomas spoke softly.
“Listen, let me take you back to my place and let’s get to know each other!” Thomas was going to refuse his offer as he was scared of everything but he thought about how miserable he was and how he wanted to change his life up because he was tired of doing the same thing every day.
“Yeah let’s do it, I could use some excitement.” He said
“I know you could, look at you. You want to see excitement? Let me ask you something. You ever woken up in a bathtub in the morning even though you didn’t drink any type of alcohol the night before? He sounded crazy, he could barely speak correctly.
“No I haven’t actually.” Thomas said, regretting his decision to follow this man to his house. At this point Tyler got up out of the bar stool he was sitting in, smiled at Thomas and said
“I’m everything you wish you were!” He grabbed the stool and threw it at the bartender knocking him out. Thomas rose up in fear.
“What in the world! Why did you do that?” Thomas yelled.
“Hurry up Tommy boy, grab the liquor.”
No, I’m not stealing liquor from an unconscious man!”
“Grab it or lay there with him.” Tyler smirked. Thomas hesitantly grabbed the liquor and ran out of the store with Tyler. They ran all the way to Tyler abandoned home. When they finally got inside Tyler grabbed some cloth and two lighters. Thomas began to chug some of the alcohol out of fear.
“Hey, hey, hey, don’t drink that, we need to put it to good use!” Tyler said as he was cutting some cloth and fitting it into the bottles of alcohol.
Later that night Tyler blindfolded Thomas. They were heading to Thomas apartment. As they went up the elevator Thomas kept asking where they were going. Tyler didn’t respond. When they got up to the floor of Thomas’s apartment, Tyler took the blindfold off.
“What are we doing at my apartment?” Thomas was angry.
“Getting rid of you Tommy boy.” Tyler busted the apartment door open and Thomas’s roommate woke up with shock.
“What is going on?” Alex yelled. Tyler lit one of the homemade Molotov’s and threw it at the couch with Alex laying on it. Thomas was screaming, half of his apartment along with his roommate was on fire.
“Throw yours in your room Thomas.” Tyler said.
“No!” Thomas was crying now, Tyler aimed a 9 millimeter pistol at Thomas’s head.
“Do it!” He screamed. And he threw the Molotov, burning his room to ash.

A month had gone by; Tyler had Thomas creating mayhem all over the city, burning buildings, destroying cars, and even killing people. One morning Thomas was walking towards the bar Tyler and him met when he saw a familiar face.
“Alex? Alex! Oh my God, is everything ok? Are you ok?” Alex stared at Thomas then punched him right in the jaw. Thomas fell to the ground and Alex proceeded to beat him.
“How could you do this to me? Look at me!” Alex screamed and cried. His whole body was covered in burn scars. He finally got off of Thomas. He had blood all over his face.
“Alex, I didn’t know, a guy I met- he was there, he threw the first one and caught you on- it wasn’t me.”
“It wasn’t you? Who are you talking about? You were the only one there!” Alex walked off. Thomas, still sitting on the hard pavement was confused. He swore he saw Tyler throw the Molotov at Alex. Thomas reached in his pocket and grabbed his cell phone. He went to Tyler’s contact and called him. He felt a vibration in his back pocket. He grabbed it, it was another cell phone and it read: Incoming call from Thomas Foxx.
After spending a whole day without sleep putting together the pieces Thomas figured it out. He felt a vibration coming from his phone, a text that read:
Tyler: I was everything you wanted to be
Thomas: What is happening?!
Tyler: You created me because you were worthless, your life was boring and you needed excitement. Remember?
Thomas: Who have I been talking to this whole time?
Tyler: Yourself Tommy Boy
Thomas: That’s impossible, I saw you, I shook your hand, and you burned Alex, and hit that bartender with a stool, you blew up that old women’s car!
Tyler: It was all you
***
It was 3:45 a.m. Thomas had a 9 millimeter in his right hand. The rain was pouring, very unusual weather for Arizona. It was Saturday now. Thomas thought that if he killed himself, he would kill Tyler. He put the pistol in his mouth aiming at the back of his head and pulled the trigger.
***
Thomas woke up.

Answer 2

Wow, what a story, half way through, I forgot I wasn't reading something published, Seriously !!! You've got TALANT !!!

Answer 3

Amazing story! You are awesome! :D

Answer 4

\[Welcome~2~Open~Study!\]

Answer 5

Thank you guys! @Spyro517 @KALIAN

Answer 6

good job i am a talented writer to at least thats what people say lol