Question

im applying for a poetry scholarship tell me which ones a winner

Answer 1

Someone told me that when ever they look at my pictures they see a pretty and elegant

sweet and kind girl like a sweet smell in a breeze just a drift waiting for someone to grab onto me

and someone told me that the wall of china is the oldest piece of architecture still standing

and ever since i was old enough to remember i built walls around myself

and by time i was 13 i had built the wall of china around my heart

around everything i am because i became the wall of china

the oldest piece of architecture still standing

so i told him that i am no dandelion sented whore that you can pluck petals from "she loves me she loves me not" she will not love you

i am a rock solid female

from every battle carved into my stone structured skin

every scar

every bone breaking insult piercing it's way into in this sculpted warrior

i have not fallen

i am the wall of china still standing her ground after the storms have sent their most violent rains to erode away the zanshi in me i will not fall

i am to strong to be broken and you will never be strong enough to break me

send your biggest armies to destroy the piece of art i have made from your forfeit

you can not destroy me

you can send Zeus bolt through my veteran encrusted spine i am un moveable

send tornadoes six or seven i will not tremble ...

in your presence

send earthquakes through my feet trembling up my torso i will not fall to my knees and plead

for you

send bombs of radiation through Chinas deepest valleys

to creep into the depths of my shadows i will leave my plutonium-239 foot print in your beeeeeeeeeeeeeep

It is just in. That there is in fact life! In this wall there is a heart in this girl who would love to to be gentle and kind in a world where war will not rest at your door step that will break through your doors and take you out with a blink

so now

when you look at my pictures don't tell me you see a flower or a gentle kind anything!

tell me that you can see

the Zanshi* in me drifting in the wind along

The wall of china still standing

her ground

*Chinese word for warrior

Answer 2

wow !!!!

Answer 3

okay so heres my critics. Now i want u to remember that this is poetry and if u think its perfect then its perfect because poetry is about u. These r just suggestions.

Okay so the first thing i would fix is "i became the wall of china" by this time in the poem i have already figured out that u became the wall of china. Youre being to direct and before that i had this great effect. I feel like u said something really cool and i was like this is so deep but then once it was told directly it kind of ruined that effect for me.
The line that says "u can not destroy me" i would change the word destroy. Just give it a synonym because u said destroy in the last line saying it again kind of makes it feel lesser of a word not as strong of a word i guess.
My last critic is that i would add one more line. like add in because no one can break me down or something of that sort.


i hope all this helps if it doesnt then just ignore it because like i said poetry is about u. Also i hope u get the scholar ship.

Answer 4

hey thanks Ive been trying to edit anyway ! @ispike

Answer 5

okay well i hope this helps some

Answer 6

hey can you critique this poem for me then im working on this one too @ispike

Answer 7

yea sure no problem are u sending this one in too?

Answer 8

probably not im performing this one

Answer 9

I can hear my ancestors heart beat in the cracks of the streets Every hym hum whip lashed fire hosed dog released can you hear the whispers in the spring breeze I hear their heart beat feet beating the streets like African drum chords of rhythmic ties tying me to my roots in spirit I am home now in Africa I have seen my first white man they have robbed me of everything I know and I found home somewhere in the middle passage my people found strength we have become stronger we are revolutionary we are lesson in your textbook a movie on your TV screen so sit back and enjoy the show as we demolish every stereotype we are soldiers from every martin to every black panther we are rebels rebelling against an image that was not ours in the first place we will erase every stereotype from your canvas and show you how to make this picture beautiful with every choco mocha latte skin like every tar color boy that makes this country beautiful but you use us as the foundation to build this country on top of i'm sorry but I don't hear you say thank you for the black men who gave there lives for you with these hand we have ignited a fire that will spread with every gunned down sleek-feathered one black whore ghetto slut hood rat can you feel a change were trying ti fix the cracks in this broken system i know the civil rights movement ended along time ago but who say's MLK's dream had to die when everything started looking perfect now I'm dreaming up a dream on my own i have a dream that no more black boys will have to meet the end of another barrel i can hear my brothers heart beat in the cracks of these streets beating the streets we know these streets. these streets are starting to look oh to familiar to the slave girl in me can you see these streets looking like slave boats slave owners are starting to look like the man with the badge this system is starting to remind me of the fields , America your starting look like the middle passage doesn't it look like history repeating itself doesn't it look like sit in protest black boys black girls ,white mens blood paint it all red with metal bullets I've seen this all before... this it the part when the revolution begins"

Answer 10

this is the rough draft

Answer 11

im still makin some changes on my own