Question

Is there someone here that could help me now?

Answer 1

Hi, what do you need help with? :)

Answer 2

I have a paragraph that I need to purify

Answer 3

Well, post it here and I can see if I can help you ^_^

Answer 4

here it is. It's a pic. I don't want google to capture it. My teacher might find it later and gonna think I plagiarized it.... who knows... I don't want to risk it....

Answer 5

Ok, I may pop out a couple times cuz my mom's here, but I'll be back so don't worry

Answer 6

I write horrible... :|
I know...

Answer 7

Is there a prompt?

Answer 8

It's gonna be a narrative about my life

Answer 9

When I was diagnosed with diabetes

Answer 10

boring stuff, but I want to make it interesting

Answer 11

Ok, first off, you don't want to use "you" in an essay. :D

Answer 12

Replace it with "one" or "a person"

Answer 13

so third person?

Answer 14

So:

...pretty much anything sweet one can think of.
or:
...pretty much anything sweet a person can think of.

Answer 15

yeah...I like it...

Answer 16

my audience is another classmate btw

Answer 17

You could just mention which sentence doesn't sound too great

Answer 18

I just need a second perspective

Answer 19

Are we going for a casual or professional sounding essay?

Answer 20

casual

Answer 21

nothing professional

Answer 22

Righto

Answer 23

it's not a science paper

Answer 24

Writing something boring and professional is easier I think. lol

Answer 25

I think the last sentence sounds more like a poem. Is it okay?

Answer 26

I wanted to do something different

Answer 27

I think the last sentence is ok, but the first sentence, you use the word "sweet" twice.

Here's a tip, when writing, try not to use the same word too much, try finding synonyms.
So replace "...pretty much anything sweet" with "...pretty much anything sugary" or "...pretty much anything sugar filled"

Answer 28

Using the same word too many times makes the essay seem boring and repetitive.

Answer 29

Good suggestion, I didn't even notice that. Thanks

Answer 30

Overall, could I know what your first impression was? lame? boring? interesting? Nay or yay?

Answer 31

I thought it was interesting.

Answer 32

It just needs a little editing is all. :)

Answer 33

I still have to write a second intro anyways. My teacher wants me to take a different approach.

Answer 34

Ah ok. I'm gonna see what we can edit. :)

Answer 35

I'll have to take two intros to class today...

Answer 36

Be right back, my mom wants me to fold some clothes quick, but I'll be back! ^u^

Answer 37

:)

Answer 38

I'm back!

Answer 39

:D

Answer 40

Is there anything else I should edit? before I start working on my second "different" version?

Answer 41

Well, I was thinking: "...all my careless childhood days have suddenly vanished" and replace the word "have" with the word "just"

Answer 42

Ok, make it more present time...

Answer 43

or the word "had" I'm not sure when this took place...

Answer 44

It's a childhood memory...

Answer 45

I was suggesting "just" because it makes it seem more dramatic. But maybe that's just my novelist side inputting stuff. :P

Answer 46

:) I see

Answer 47

I like more dramatic

Answer 48

XDDD lol, ok. :D

Answer 49

I really needed this. Thank you.

Answer 50

No problem! :)

Answer 51

I'm gonna go eat breakfast now. :)

Answer 52

:D Okay. :) Do you need anymore help or no?

Answer 53

I might come back later...I don't know for sure though

Answer 54

Okay, tag me if you need help. :)

Answer 55

Okay, thanks again

Answer 56

You're welcome! ^u^