Question

I wrote the first chapter to a story I'm writing called The Curse of Annabelle Greene. Let me know what you think! It's really sad so get tissues!! Well it's a matter of opinion. Also if you can't download it let me know and I put it in the comments. :D

Answer 1

@BrownieCat @CandyCove @Decarr432 @Electric_Blue @Hauntedwoodsgal @ILovePuppiesLol @just_one_last_goodbye @Keigh2015 @Pinkybottom67 @Qwertty123 @RhondaSommer

Answer 2

Just put it in comments Ghostie

Answer 3

Chapter 1

There’s only me, my bother, and my mom now. My dad died recently. To be exact, yesterday. When he came downstairs we were all gathered around the kitchen table. It was filled with nothing only a small birthday cake, I don’t think you can call it a cake. I was surprised when I saw it. Before my dad appeared in the kitchen I was going downstairs myself. My mom and my older and only brother, Tommy that’s what I call him but his actual name is Thomas, were talking. When they saw me they stopped and my mom smiled. She didn’t know that I saw her tear stained cheeks, my brother on the other hand seemed dull and lifeless as if he were a ghost. Whatever they were talking about they didn’t want me to know. Odd, very odd.

My dad was… how do I put it, he looked conflicted. Like he wanted to be happy deep down inside, but he seemed gloomy. A frown on his face quickly shifted as he noticed me beaming about his birthday. Most parents were old. No offence. But my parents were very young. My father was turning 35 years old. My mom was 34, my brother 16, and I being the youngest 15. Ever since my parents each turned 30 they started getting more and more upset about their birthdays. He sat down at the closest chair to me. I hugged him while beaming “Happy birthday dad!”

He muttered something under his breath that sounded like “goodbye” I just ignored it.

“I’m sorry, but I’ll be spending the rest of the day in bed.” My dad stood and stumbled as he reached the stairs. His hand went straight to his head, which made me notice the beads of sweat going down his face. “I love you… Jane.” He collapsed as soon as he finished my name.

“Dad!” I rushed right over to him and took his hand to find his pulse. It was weak. I faced my mom and Tommy, “Aren’t you going to help him! Call an ambulance! Just do something rather than standing there!” I didn’t notice that tears were pouring down my face until my brother walked towards me, bent down to the ground, and wiped the tears off my face.

“There’s nothing we can do for him. If we take him to the hospital it’ll be too late anyways and if he does make it to the point where he’s in surgery or something and then doesn’t make it we’ll most likely be stuck with the bill. Some would say he at the point of no return.” Tommy was barely crying. How could he be so heartless? So cruel? It was his own father slowly dying before his eyes and he not even really caring about getting him to a hospital!

“You don’t even care that he’s dying?!?” More tears ran down my face as I looked at my father. I searched for his pulse again. There was nothing.

He died.

I couldn't hold it in any longer. Some people look pretty when they cry, but not me I just look horrible. I hugged my father's dead body and sobbed about the last thirty minutes of his life. He had so much more to live for. Why!?! Why did it have to be him!?! I don't want anyone to die. I just want my dad for a little bit longer. Especially because we were never really close unless it was someone's birthday. I don't even remember the last time I said "I love you" to him. And now I'll never get the chance to say it to him and get a response. Now the roles are reversed I'm the one that'll be saying "I love you" and he won't say anything because I never said anything. This is what I get, this is what I technically asked for for him to leave me alone, but this isn't what I meant.

"Daddy!" I cried as I regret everything I said to him, to how I treated him. He never deserved it. "I love you." I whispered as I hugged him one last time. Before releasing him forever.

I never forgave mom and Tommy after dad’s death they could have done something, but chose not to. When they didn’t believe me that I wouldn’t forgive them I brought out the big guns. I started addressing my mom as Amanda, and my brother as Thomas.

I disowned them as family.

I locked myself in my room all day for four days since father’s death. After that, I finally decided to get something to eat because man was I starving. I ignored my “family” whenever I passed them.

Answer 4

nice ^-^ im writing a story too ^-^

Answer 5

Thanks! Good luck with it! Feel free to tag me if you post it to OS!

Answer 6

@Ghostelle Is it ok if can be your editor?

Answer 7

@Ghostelle Btw, fantastic work!!!!!!!! I don't cry that often when it comes to reading something emotional, but I'm on the verge after I finished reading this.

Answer 8

Aw thanks so much @CuriousQuestions!! That means a lot to me!! If I need help with anything or I'd like someone to look over something I'll send it to you!!

Answer 9

@tootzrll

Answer 10

i love it!! ^-^ really enjoyed reading that!

Answer 11

Thank you so much!! Can I tag you in something else?

Answer 12

absolutely! :)

Answer 13

I don't have words. It was really great. It wasn't a lot, but I got connected with that so much like I never have. It was really super good. I'm also a writer. Would you ever read any of my stories? Also if you need me to I can always check your work. One thing was that you didn't have indents when your paragraph began. Everything else was awesome. And like I could already tell that something was about to happen and the brother and mother already knew what was going to happen. I can't wait to read the next chapter!! Please tag me in it when you release it!!!!

Answer 14

I think you should look over your grammar and your spelling. Other than that GREAT JOB!!!!

Answer 15

Thank you @manvirk21 you're really sweet!! I would love to read your stories I bet they're better written than mine :) If you would like to pm me about my mistakes you're welcome to just let me know what story and chapter it's for and give me the paragraph and what you think the changes that should be made in parenthesis or if it's better and/or easier post it in the comments. Also it was a bit time consuming to remember to put in tabs (indents) in the paragraphs so I decided to do it later on, but thank you for informing me. Thanks for knowing that something was going to happen, and hope you notice something about the next chapter :) I'll tag you definitely when I post the second chapter!

Answer 16

@loreinaramos113 Thanks for the information I'll make sure to go over it and try to find my misspellings or grammar mistakes!

Answer 17

I truly loved it!! I was honestly on the verge of having a meltdown!! Keep up!!

Answer 18

np girl you got this. you should write more. I want to know what happens next.

Answer 19

@Ghostelle Ok, great!!! Tag me in anything you write or need help with! :D I'm writing a story too and I was wondering if you could give me your opinion and your opinion on a little problem I'm having.

Answer 20

I'm stuck between the two storylines after Phoenix falls, but I think I like the one with Erin.

Answer 21

@reagandavidson - Thank you so much!!
@loreinaramos113 - Thanks, when I have the next chapter finished I'll tag you!!
@CuriousQuestions - I will!! That's nice to hear you're writing a story it's probably better than mine!! I'd love to give my opinion!!


So I read what you have so far Curious and I love it so much!! Bravo!! I think it's perfect the way it is and it makes total sense with Erin in it so I think you don't need to change it! Also if you still need help with describing the scaly creature that Cyrona summoned, I'd be glad to offer my assistance!!

Answer 22

@Ghostelle Okay! Thanks! I think I'll just stick with the storyline option with Erin, but if you can help me out with the description of the creature just in case, that'd be great! Also, if you want to help more, can you also think of a mixture of normal names and completely made-up names? Example:
Normal name: Katrina
Made-up name: Tarin

Thanks again!!!

Answer 23

PS The creature doesn't have to be scaly and stuff. Just play with it if you can.

Answer 24

@CuriousQuestions went online and found this http://hubpages.com/literature/How-to-Describe-a-Fantasy-Creature if it's easier for you, you could let me know what the creature looks like (in list form) of it's characteristics and such and I could right it for you if you'd like or if the link sparks something and you want to write it yourself that's fine also.

Answer 25

I also have a short list of names
Real names: Tayler, Justin, Emma, Lacy, Coco, Jordan, Michael.
Made-up names: Spirit, Minua, Flower, Aeri, Oden, Jaxs. I'm not very good with male names, but there a couple in the list.

Answer 26

@Ghostelle Aww you're welcome!! And your stories are definitely awesome!!

Answer 27

cool :)

Answer 28

loved it I am not a fan of emotional stories, though. but this one was great. feel free to tag me on anything else

Answer 29

@AmyHer2004 Thank you so much!! I won't forget to tag you on anything else!! :)

Answer 30

@Ghostelle Sorry I haven't got a chance to edit it yet. I've been super busy, but I promise I will and I will try to do it soon. :)

Answer 31

@CuriousQuestions It's perfectly fine I completely understand. :)

Answer 32

Ok. Thx for understanding