Question

Hey guys, I was wondering if anyone could give me some feedback on my rough draft. I will admit, when it comes to writing I have very little skill. I'm horrible at writing essays in general and would appreciate it if someone could give honest feedback as to how I could improve. Thanks to whoever helps!

Answer 1

In discussions and debates of obesity, one controversial issue has been who is to blame. On one hand, David Zinczenko argues that the food industries are to blame for the amount of obese people in his text, "Don't Blame the Eater", while Radley Balko, on the other hand, has argued in his text, "What You Eat Is Your Business", that we are to blame for our health, not the food industries that cater to our desires. I support the essence of Balko's argument that we shouldn't have to rely on the government to take care of us and tell us what we can and can't eat. Radley Balko insists that we should be responsible for our own health and that people should take responsibility for their actions instead of putting the blame on the people they rely on, the food industry.
While few people feel that we should blame the people for their actions, there are several others, including David Zinczenko, that believe the government should come between us and our waistline. While Zinczenko is an advocate of having the fast-food industries to be the blame of obesity, David contradicted himself, arguing on one hand that people who lived on a fast-food diet can't turn their lives around and remain unhealthy while he himself, someone who lived off fast-food since a child, was able to turn his life around and become a healthy individual. This further proves that people are to blame for their unhealthy lifestyle, not the source of the food itself.
I believe that most people rely on the government for help too much in a area they have no right to be involved in. People need to realize that if we depend on the government too much then we won't have the incentive to take better care of ourselves and continue eating in an unhealthy manner. I praise Radley Balko for stepping up and bringing light to an uncommon position, concerning obesity and who we should blame for it, not very many people are willing to bring the blame upon themselves, especially on a controversial topic such as this, but Radley Balko insists that we should be the ones who take charge and fix the dilemma ourselves instead of having the government dictate the food industry. With the pressing matter of the government's involvement with the food industry, they are enabling the people to continue with their ways because they believe the government can fix the crisis.

Answer 2

@zepdrix @whpalmer4 @.Sam.

Answer 3

@sammixboo

Answer 4

I'll go piece by piece so it is easier to read along and revise as you go.

"On one hand, David Zinczenko argues that the food industries are to blame for the amount of obese people in his text, "Don't Blame the Eater", while Radley Balko, on the other hand, has argued in his text, "What You Eat Is Your Business", that we are to blame for our health, not the food industries that cater to our desires."

That is a very wordy sentence. Break it up. Also, the word text is repetitive. Use a synonym.

Answer 5

"Radley Balko insists that we should be responsible for our own health and that people should take responsibility for their actions instead of putting the blame on the people they rely on, the food industry. "

The word 'own' before 'health' is redundant and unnecessary. You can remove it without changing the meaning of the sentence. However, the sentence is a bit awkward when reading and the overall meaning is a bit unclear. 'The food industry' just hangs at the end. To improve readability rephrase the sentence to include 'the food industry as the subject or object instead of having it as a hanging parenthetical phrase.

Answer 6

"While Zinczenko is an advocate of having the fast-food industries to be the blame of obesity, David contradicted himself, arguing on one hand that people who lived on a fast-food diet can't turn their lives around and remain unhealthy while he himself, someone who lived off fast-food since a child, was able to turn his life around and become a healthy individual."

This is another very wordy sentence that can be broken up.

'blame of obesity," should be 'blame for obesity.'

Do not use 'he himself.' Just use 'he.'

Do not use 'on one hand' too much. It becomes repetitive. Also when you use it, there is always another hand. You used it correctly the first time; "On one hand ... on the other hand ..."

Answer 7

"This further proves that people are to blame for their unhealthy lifestyle, not the source of the food itself."

This sentence has an unclear antecedent. What further proves? It is unclear what you are talking about here especially since this follows the Wordy sentence I explained above. ^^

Answer 8

"I believe that most people rely on the government for help too much in a area they have no right to be involved in."

'a area' should be 'an area.'

Ending a sentence with a preposition is okay, but some readers find it objectionable. If your instructor is over 40, you should avoid it. And you should always avoid it when it is redundant, and in this case, it is.

Also 'the government' is an 'it' not 'they.' Example:
The government exercises ITS authority.
Not
The government exercises their authority.

I don't generally comment on context, when I proofread for grammar unless specifically asked, but in this particular sentence, I cannot help but point out the logical error. The statement is contradictory. You say you believe that the government has no right to be involved in a certain area, but in the same breath are saying that MOST people rely on the government in that very area. Do you see the contradiction? If people rely on the government for something, they are giving the government the right to provide that. If MOST of the people rely on that, then in a democracy it becomes law. That is purely a contextual issue between you and your teacher, but do not be surprised if you get called on it if you are in 11th grade or above.

Answer 9

"People need to realize that if we depend on the government too much then we won't have the incentive to take better care of ourselves and continue eating in an unhealthy manner."

Missing comma after 'much.'

Answer 10

"I praise Radley Balko for stepping up and bringing light to an uncommon position, concerning obesity and who we should blame for it, not very many people are willing to bring the blame upon themselves, especially on a controversial topic such as this, but Radley Balko insists that we should be the ones who take charge and fix the dilemma ourselves instead of having the government dictate the food industry."

Again, a very wordy sentence. Break it up.

Also, 'blame is repetitive. Use a synonym.

That's it. I hope that helps.