Question

Hey guys, I was wondering if anyone could give me some feedback on my rough draft. I will admit, when it comes to writing I have very little skill. I'm horrible at writing essays in general and would appreciate it if someone could give honest feedback as to how I could improve. Thanks to whoever helps!

Answer 1

In discussions and debates of obesity, one controversial issue has been who is to blame. On one hand, David Zinczenko argues that the food industries are to blame for the amount of obese people in his text, "Don't Blame the Eater", while Radley Balko, on the other hand, has argued in his text, "What You Eat Is Your Business", that we are to blame for our health, not the food industries that cater to our desires. I support the essence of Balko's argument that we shouldn't have to rely on the government to take care of us and tell us what we can and can't eat. Radley Balko insists that we should be responsible for our own health and that people should take responsibility for their actions instead of putting the blame on the people they rely on, the food industry.
While few people feel that we should blame the people for their actions, there are several others, including David Zinczenko, that believe the government should come between us and our waistline. While Zinczenko is an advocate of having the fast-food industries to be the blame of obesity, David contradicted himself, arguing on one hand that people who lived on a fast-food diet can't turn their lives around and remain unhealthy while he himself, someone who lived off fast-food since a child, was able to turn his life around and become a healthy individual. This further proves that people are to blame for their unhealthy lifestyle, not the source of the food itself.
I believe that most people rely on the government for help too much in a area they have no right to be involved in. People need to realize that if we depend on the government too much then we won't have the incentive to take better care of ourselves and continue eating in an unhealthy manner. I praise Radley Balko for stepping up and bringing light to an uncommon position, concerning obesity and who we should blame for it, not very many people are willing to bring the blame upon themselves, especially on a controversial topic such as this, but Radley Balko insists that we should be the ones who take charge and fix the dilemma ourselves instead of having the government dictate the food industry. With the pressing matter of the government's involvement with the food industry, they are enabling the people to continue with their ways because they believe the government can fix the crisis.

Answer 2

@pooja195 @kittiwitti1 @ganeshie8

Answer 3

Sorry; busy with math/chemistry, maybe later

Answer 4

@kittiwitti1 That's okay... I didn't need help immediately, I was just posting it tonight that way when I wake up later, I can work on it with whatever feedback I get. (Hopefully I can get someone's feedback before 2 P.M. today lol)

Answer 5

Who are David Zinczenko and Radley Balko? Are they experts in the field?

Answer 6

They aren't really experts, they were voicing their opinion on who should be to blame for obesity. David felt that it was the food industry's fault for people being obese while Radley felt that it was the person's fault for being obese.

Answer 7

@Loser66

Answer 8

I think this is written perfectly. The way you explain the details are just spot on! I love how you remembered to indent the beginning of the paragraphs , I forget to do that sometimes lol
trust me I hate writing essays as well , I tend to slow down a lot while I do my essays. I think you really did good!
is this text for a current story or book you have to write about?

Answer 9

oh wait , my mistake , it shows this is for school level (college) what class are you taking?

Also to mention , they way you start off the first paragraph is just a hook , of course what I learned when u write a essay you want a hook , at least to capture the reader's attention , you sure did to me!

Answer 10

@AvirlLavinge2017 This is for a college comp class. It is the equivalent of freshmen English.

Answer 11

ooo interesting!
@Amanda , I think you did really good on your essay , very successful!

I stink/hate English , especially when I have to write essays, but I like reading others essays rather than writing them lol

Answer 12

do you need any more help?

Answer 13

@AvirlLavinge2017 Not anymore, thanks to you! :)

Answer 14

Your welcome! tag me if you need anything