Question

can some one please check my short story its really short I promise

Answer 1

If you post it, I will take a look

Answer 2

alrighty
n the absence of light Timmy and Andrew were walking out of Disney to their car discussing how much of a great time they had. Timmy: I had a great time with you today and Disney was pretty fun Andrew: I did too, and yes it’s something I’ll look forward to doing again. Andrew offered to drive them back to their hotels as they were driving they noticed there was a lot of cars parked outside of the hotel they were blocking the entry. When they finally got inside and the receptionist called them over. She took them to a room in the back saying that if they don’t pay for the amount of days they’ve been in the hotel that they would get kicked out. So both of them put their credit card number on the account so the hotel can automatically take the money out. As Andrew leaves the room, Timmy secretly cancels his credit card so no money can be taken out from his credit card. So Timmy leaves Andrew to pay all the costs of the room there sharing. When they both get to their rooms Timmy starts ordering room service and uses the hotel phone even though he has his own phone and Andrew didn’t really care because he thinks that Timmy’s paying for all his costs. Timmy was enjoying his food and thinking to himself man I’m so glad I canceled my credit card because I wouldn’t be able to pay for all of this. Andrew goes to sleep and wakes up the next morning to take his last trip to Disney in their vacation to Florida they both start getting ready to go and grabbed their camera. While they were there they took a lot of pictures and had a blast in their last day of vacation. They left Disney earlier than they usually do to check out of their hotel so they can get a good night's rest to catch their flight in the morning. Plans didn’t go as planned…. When they got to the hotel they gathered all their belongings and left everything ready for the next morning. While Timmy was upstairs in the room Andrew goes downstairs to buy a water bottle in the vending machine. Andrew remembers that he forgot to tell the receptionist that he was checking out in the morning so he headed for her and let her know. The receptionist took his credit card off the account and gave him the receipt of his costs. When he sees the receipt he gets enraged and goes up furiously up to Timmy and confronts him for what he’s done. Andrew: ARE YOU CRAZY WHERE SUPPOSED TO BE SHARING THE COSTS! Timmy: No I’m not paying for anything it’s all of you my credit card was never on the bill. Andrew: YOU MUST BE INSANE YOU HAVE TO PAY ME BACK! Timmy: Nope I’m not paying you one penny back. Andrew lost his temper and grabbed a chair and slammed it on Timmy’s head. Timmy immediately fell to the floor and passed out. Andrew dragged Timmy to the back of the hotel to the dumpster and went back to his room, grabbed all his belonging and a lighter and took Timmy’s belonging to. As he was making his way back to the dumpster where he had left Timmy, he threw Timmy’s belongings and their camera into the dumpster and lit the dumpster on fire so there would be no evidence. He ran to the bathroom changed his clothes and took off in his car. Andrew went to the airport and flew back to his home and he was very calm you could have never guessed that he had just murdered someone. Once he got home, he sat on his couch and thought of how well of a good job he did and started laughing to himself. Timmy burned in the dumpster and found him 3 hours later dead.

Answer 3

@Ell

Answer 4

Are you looking for honest critiquing @eriyalovesu ?

Answer 5

well Samantha is so in that case yes @Atsie
shes in 9th grade so yeah

Answer 6

if you could check mine as well you would be the best

Answer 7

As if the world around me had fallen at once I stood there hearing the words that came out of the woman that stood before me as if she was looking down the barrel of a shotgun. I can’t keep but hearing the words “he” ... “killed” ...” her” on repeat in my mind like a cd stuck on replay, each and every one shooting at me in my head at all hours of the night, telling me that this can’t be true, there has to be some other explanation as to why someone would do that to my dear Helen. There was something that hit me all at once as if the light bulb had just illuminated the room, I must kill the bastard who did this that is what any sane person would do for the person who they loved right?
It has been a week since the killing and it seemed as if there wasn’t even one person who put an ounce of effort into finding the killer, I suppose it is my fault for living in Seattle, a city of all places where law is enforced. I knew I had to come up with so kind of plan for at least finding him. How do you start that is the place where I stared, yes, that is it talk to the girl, what was her name? Oh yes, Josie is her name. I left midafternoon to her house when I had spotted her getting her mail. I approached her in an effort at making conversation, but she just walked away before I had even said a word, she walked as if she had been shaken up and then it hit me! I look as if I hadn’t slept or showed in weeks. I felt my jaw and noticed that I had a bread formation that must look as if I hadn’t shaved in quite some time. I was quick to catch up to her and in an almost pleading voice I asked her who it was. She at seemed as if she was debating whether to tell me or not but she soon spoke up to say “the mail man Adam” I was frozen in place as she had just sent my mind and body into a point of shock the only thing I remember was her saying she had to go and sorry for the lost.
That bloody scum! Adam was going to pay even if it costed my freedom, he will get what he deserves that is one thing the makes good damn sense right now.
It had been a few days since she had told me who the killer was and I was soon requested back at work. Even the boss still has to goes to work when they don’t want to. I tried my hardest to get all of the paperwork I have missed caught up on and as time went by I had started tracking Adam through his credit card and the tracker I put on his car. It had been over 7 months since Helens death and I grow restless with work and planning that I make the slightest mistake that could cause my plan to be shattered like glass when surrounded by a high pitch, just one paper on the counter laid out on the kitchen counter that is when Jarek had so happened swung by that day to see if I was doing any better with my lost.
He had stumbled upon the paper and to my surprise hadn’t flipped but simply texted me saying that if I didn’t get home right now that he would do what any person would and report it to the authority’s.
I had never rushed so fast in my life when he called that I don’t remember taking a uber home.
When I arrived he had helped himself to my fridge, not like there was much in there anyways and was sitting on the couch watching a recording of some old television show. He had turned around and greeted me with a faint smile and then turned the T.V off and told me to take a seat, not like it was his job to boss me around in my home but I let it go. It was a long silence before he had said in such a quite yet husky tone
“I will help you with your plan if it brings you the closer you so desperately need” I had just responded with
“You know the risk in helping right, I could never ask you to do something like this”
“yes I do now come on we don’t have forever to do this”
And with that we had stared probably the most elaborate plan that there was no need to worry about being caught cause every string was tied up and every ending was thought off and prevented till we got to one we liked, don’t get caught.
The plan went as follows: track him to Canada by catfishing him, drug him, tie him up in a chair and cover the motel room in sheets as sound barriers and plastic. Torture him to my pleasing and then kill him by suffocation to the point his eye looks as if he had a brain hemorrhage, clean the body and put it near the toilet and clean the room and leave.
It had been almost two years before the plan took hold and I was currently in a car following my GPS to the motel. It took me a little over 6 hours to get there and I used the time to go over the plan.
When I go to the motel he had not shown up yet but it’s okay it needed to be like that so he wouldn’t know it’s me instead of a girl.
And hour later his car light roared their lights into the room and he soon followed into the motel room not turning on the light as soon as he walked in. He was on his way to the kitchen when I had stuck the syringe into his neck and let him drop to the floor.
I only had an hour or so to get thing prepared so I got quick to business and when he woke up his first words were “What the hell”
I sat in the corner waiting for him to sense there was someone else in the room and when he did oh! did his confusion get wiped clean

“You though you could get away with it?” I shouted to him
He just sat there looking defeated
“Answer me you bastard”
“she was in the way and I need your computer so it was her or the computer, I picked her”
I slapped him so hard he was dazed momentarily before breaking out into a fit of laughter.
“I am going to kill you and your going to feel everything and wish you had never touched a single hair on my dear Helens head”
“Go for it!” he had said
At the I wrapped a plastic bag around his head into he was almost unconscious and then took it off of him. Only for the Bag to be replaced by my fist into I saw a blood vessel break in his eye and stopped.
I waited momentarily just looking at him, thinking of Helen and the life we could have had the children that we could have had the baby that was inside of her and at that I spit in his face and went to get the syringe.

“Goodbye Adam may you never rest in peace for the crime you have done when Killing Hellen Rousick and the baby in her womb, may you rot in hell”

And at the I shoved it in his neck , placed a bag over his head and walked away to an area where I could watch him die.

Answer 8

We had to both have the same theme and protagonist but the story didn't need to be the same

Answer 9

and the Theme is an eye for an eye

Answer 10

and the story had to be less then two pages so not much elaboration can be done on either story

Answer 11

i hear short story whats going on here?

Answer 12

@CamPayne can you please read BOTH stories and tell me whats good and bad about them