My new poem, Feed back much appreciated :)

Question

hope210 · Answer

This poem is called intermission and is about someone trying to hide their true self but at the same time trying to show it. Hope you understand it. 

                                                            Intermission,

                                                             take a break,

                                                            a few minutes

                                                            don't be late,

                                                            Hello I 'm back,

                                                               shut down

                                                             Now on track;

                                                            Pretend I'm bad

                                                              intermission,

                                                         I misunderstood

                                                         pretend I'm good,

                                                         That's much better

                                                           now you see 

                                                  I'm only who I have to be,

                                                   It's intermission time

                                                          change me 

                                                  bring me back online,

                                                      Threat detected

                                                  someone's catching on,

                                                    don't spill my secret

                                                       or you'll be gone;

                                                       Curtains closing,

                                                        the day is done

                                            And it looks like the act has won.

hope210 · Answer

@Atsie  @SapphireMoon  @YoungStudier

jennetjack · Answer

You should try ABAB sequences. You don't absolutely have to, just "feedback" as you have requested :)

nintendo_fangirl · Answer

LOVE THIS

yinshy · Answer

(gives a thumbs up)
good poem your getting better :)

yinshy · Answer

@Hope210

atsie · Answer

@Hope210 
I love the meaning behind this poem Hope, and I think there's something very deep about it. ^~^
I have one suggestion though if I may.
I entirely understand the way that your writing here and the narration almost that your trying to set, but in some ways I feel like your sentences are a little TOO unconnected to each other. 
That style of writing where your lines kinda are different from the other, but yet still make sense and register with the reader, that's a wonderful way of writing. But here I think it's a bit overdone. Just a bit.
But nevertheless, I really do like what your going for here!! Just remember, that tweaking it and moving things around a little will help you better assess your own writing and will help you better yourself as a writer! ^.^
Keep up the wonderful work!!

yinshy · Answer

^

likeabossssssss · Answer

good job

missmeow · Answer

I like it, its nice! :) I want to sugest one thing, some of the lines dont have commas at the ends, (like 'a few minutes') and it doesn't really flow. that line falls into the other, with no comma. other than that, you did good! :) I just fanned you!

youngstudier · Answer

I love it *~*