Question

The Story Of The Secret Lover

Chapter one

I could see him. Sitting on the small wooden porch underneath the large dying oak tree. His features were like a glow stick in the night, almost like a Vampire. His short dirty blonde hair was blowing in the chilly October wind. His blue eyes visible through the mask he wore. The distinctive features of his torso through his tight t-shirt. His jeans covering those strong, athletic legs. I’ve seen him before but i couldn’t quite tell who he was or where I've seen him before. As he walked towards me, a shiver ran up my spine. “Are you cold,” he asked, his voice as smooth as still water on a warm summer’s day. He stared at my small nightgown, while the black and blue lace was blowing in the cool October wind. I blushed, shaking my head no as i tightened my black and blue blanket around my shoulders. “Why must you hide your face from me me, my love?” I asked him as i walked towards the porch. He scooted over so i could sit next to his handsome body. “Well, the thing is is that i’m afraid that you won’t like what you see, my gorgeous princess,” he said, wrapping his soft hands around my waist. I sighed at his warmth. He smiled and stood up, holding out his hand. “Come with me, I must show you,” he said as I grabbed his hand. He led me behind the Oak tree.

This is another book I am working on. My other novel I am currently working on is on hold. Sorry for any disappointment.

Answer 1

Not to rain on your parade but there are so many grammatical errors that it makes it almost unreadable. Overuse of pauses and breaks, lack of pacing and no flow.

Answer 2

It's mostly sentence fragments.

Answer 3

If you don't like it, please don't insult my work. If there are any mistakes I have made, please let me know in my DM's. No negativity will be tolerated.

Answer 4

Typically, when something is posted publically it's with the expectation of feedback. Not my fault you only expect positive feedback on your writing. Also, no negativity will be tolerated, what do you mean by that? Are you going to ban me from responding?

Answer 5

@Marziman , please respect my work. It's better to have no bad feedback then any at all. There is no offence given in my askings.

Answer 6

Please understand that I work hard and this is only a draft, not the final print.

Answer 7

I'm giving feedback/critique, you're the one taking it as disrespect. Again, not my fault you only expected positive feedback.

Answer 8

Because you worked hard on it, doesn't make you exempt from critique.

Answer 9

That's not what I'm saying at all. Please don't attempt to put words in my mouth. Bad feedback should be given to me in DM's. Embarrassment is something I do not care for.

Answer 10

I also meant to put my comment before you had. I was thinking of what to say. Please don't take that comment to be towards you.

Answer 11

I didn't put words in your mouth, it was an objective statement.

Answer 12

Again, please take this to the DM's. I posted this for people to read, not to point out every flaw; including mine.