sadiecarstater:

im writting a story to be published can someone give me critisim? please We are five runaway teens who have parents who don’t pay attention to us that much. We always get into trouble because they don’t know where we are most of the time.Eventually, we all were put into foster homes,but we all would run away,and find each other. We are great friends that always try to stick together,even if it meant going from foster home to foster home. Once we all got put into the same foster home,because child services were afraid that; if all of us weren’t in the same foster home, we would keep running away. So they thought that it was best if we stick together. We never liked the foster home that we got put in together. They would always keep an eye on us, and hold us accountable for our actions. I think that we were in there for about three years. Three of us went to school,and the other two were homeschooled. I got to go to school,and so did my friends Adam,and Dylan. The other two that got homeschooled were, Luke and Chris. They were so lucky,because man that school that we had to go to in sacramento California was rough. Dylan would get bullied all the time, so did I but not as much as Dylan did. It was rough,but no one messes with my friends, if they mess with my friends,they have to go through me first. Sometimes it ended well,other times not so much,because I was weak compared to others. Adam and I always ended up in detention, I thought that being in detention was fun,so did Adam. The person that was always in charge of the detention room, had his nose in a book,and I’m not kidding , he never even looked up once. Everyone, that was in there would throw wads of paper at each other,and he never looked up once. I would always compare class with detention,and it was better being in detention, than being in class with a bunch of jerks which I shouldn’t be talking, because I can be a jerk too. I just hated that school so much. Eventually we all ended up going back with our parents. I was so not happy, none of us were. So we are now we just run away,and got the name the unstoppables form the police that find us,which we all like it fits us well. Chapter 1 What’s happening now It’s raining hard,as we all are trying to run away from home for the one hundredth time. We meet up in the California Elementary School Park. I don’t know why we are trying to run away from home in the rain. Oh well, it was my idea anyway. I had to get ou

2 months ago
BenLindquist:

so check the entire thing?

2 months ago
ShadowWolf:

U r truly gifted, Great Job

2 months ago
sadiecarstater:

ut of my house. My Mom was drunk,and my dad was going crazy,and I just had enough. Who knows what was going on at all of my friends houses,but whatever it was we all had enough. When I get to the park none of my friends are there. I start to panic,because I was afraid that something happened to them, like they got caught. Eventually they show up. Phew I thought that I was going to have a heart attack. “ Hey guys. I thought that you weren’t going to show up.” I said. “ Well I had to make sure that my parents were sleeping.” said my friend Dylan. “My parents were going somewhere,so I had to wait before I could leave.” said my friend Luke. “ My parents were watching tv for a while before they went to bed. We have an alarm on all of the doors, so if I runaway they can hear me. I had to look for the password,and turn it off so I could come.” said my friend Chris. “ I had no reason really,both of my parents weren’t home. I was sleeping when I got your message meet me in the park ASAP. So I ran as quick as possible,and here I am Pal. I am here just for you,well all of you, but I am mostly here for my main pal Ben.” said my friend Adam while coming up and hugging me. I tell my friends about my issue with my mom getting drunk,and my dad going crazy. They all tell me that it’s okay,and maybe I should talk to someone about it,or suggest to my parents that we should do family therapy. I don’t want to talk to someone about it, they would make things worse. Whenever, I talk to someone about it they seem to make things worse. Suddenly, my eyes start to fill up with tears, I try to hold them but i cant.

2 months ago
sadiecarstater:

“ Don’t cry pal okay, you are going to make me cry too. I got my own problems,and do you see me crying. Nope you don’t,because do you know what I do about them. I let my anger out by going crazy,but not too crazy. It makes me feel so good. Maybe you should do that too. I am not saying go take your anger out on your parents. What I am trying to say is that try to find something to punch, like your pillow; that’s what I do. I punch my pillow crazy,and it says ouch what did I do to you. It actually doesn’t say that,but that’s what it would say if it was alive.” said Adam. “ How do I do that, I am not at home right now?” I asked. “ You could punch Adam.” said Luke.

2 months ago
BenLindquist:

i can check your grammar and wording?

2 months ago
sadiecarstater:

“ You should it would be hilarious Ben.” said Chris and Dylan. “Woh, woh, hey now he is not going to punch me. Maybe he should punch you three. I am too handsome to be punched okay.” said Adam. We all laugh Adam is just, well Adam he will do anything to make us laugh,but I think that he was being serious. Without his permission, I smack him hard,but i didn’t want to punch him, because I didn’t want to mess up his “handsome face” according to him. “Dude that hurt! Just kidding it didn’t hurt I am a tough cookie.” said Adam while patting my head. “ Tough cookie huh. It looked like to me that it hurt you,but your just trying to act tough.” said chris. “Shh! Don’t let Ben know.” said Adam so loudly that I could hear,and I was standing right next to him.

2 months ago
sadiecarstater:

“Um Adam, I think he can hear you, cause one he is standing right next to you,well now he’s walking away.” said Luke. They all call after me,but I just keep walking. Adam was the first one to get to me because he came running past me a little bit,and sees me crying. I try to wipe the tears away before he notices,but he caught me. “ Ben pal, you can talk to me, we all been through this, well I have, the rest have been through different things. Please talk to me Ben. I love you and you know that. Your an amazing friend,and I don’t want to see you like this.” said Adam. I don’t answer Adam, I just keep walking. Everyone catches up to us. They all walk up in front of me,and stop so I stop. We all are staring at each other for a little bit. Eventually

2 months ago
sadiecarstater:

they say something. Finally, because this staring at each other thing was creeping me out. “ Ben, you need to calm down and talk to us,or we are going to do something about this.” said Luke. “ Ben please talk to us.” said Dylan. “Come on pal. I know this won’t be easy, but it might make you feel better.” said chris. “We are here for you pal, now cheer up and talk.” said Adam while wrapping his arms around me. Before I talk I try to shove Adams arm off of me,but he keeps putting it back around me, so I leave it, and try to calm down,before I talk to everyone. As I was going to talk everyones phone rang except for Adam’s and mine, so they all answer them. How rude we are in the middle of a crisis, My Crisis! “ I have to go my parents are flipping out.” said Chris,Luke,and Dylan at the same time. They all run out of the park as fast as they can. Adam and I turn around to watch them as they leave.

2 months ago
sadiecarstater:

“ It’s just me and you now.” said Adam. “ Yep, it is.” I said. “ So do you want to tell me what led to your mom getting drunk,and your Dad going crazy?” asked Adam. “ My Mom got drunk because, she well is having trouble keeping her job, because she can’t stop drinking. My Dad went crazy by yelling at her to stop. Eventually, she started to throw things at him. My dad tried calming her down, but she wouldn't. So I stepped in,

2 months ago
sadiecarstater:

and it got worse. My Dad told me not to get involved,because hen said that he didn’t want me to get hurt,but… I didn’t finish my sentence, because I am crying right now because my mom stabbed my Dad with knife in the stomach; but my mom calmed down. Also she took care of it and they were like a happy couple afterwards. I didn’t want to tell Adam that because he would do something about it. “But what Ben, you need to tell me so I can help you get past this. I don’t like to see you upset.” said Adam. “ My… My… mom.” I cried harder this time.

2 months ago
sadiecarstater:

Adam takes my hand and walks us over to a bench to sit down. He hugs me while telling me to calm down. Before I tell him, I cry on him for a while. “Shh,Shh, it’s okay Ben, it’s okay pal.” said Adam while rubbing my back. “What am I going to do?” I asked. “Now, you are going to stop crying like a baby,and tell me what your Mom did.” said Adam. “ My… My… Mom… had a…” I started to cry again. I wanted to tell Adam. I did,but it made me cry every time, I tried telling him. “Ben buddy please tell me, I am here for you remember pal.” said Adam. “Okay I will… try… to… tell… you.” I said while sniffing and inhaling deep breaths.

2 months ago
sadiecarstater:

“ Now without crying,or mumbling, can you tell me what in the world did your mom have.All I got out of you was; “My… My… mom… had… a…” said Adam while mimicking what I said a couple of seconds ago. “She had a knife… a knife… in… in… her hand,” I said. “ And what did she do with that knife… in… in… her hand.” said Adam while mimicking me again. Adam cracks me up sometimes, but right now I want to punch him this time. I should of punched him earlier when I had the chance, but I didn’t, i know Adam is trying to help me but I think it would of been better if I just kept my mouth shut. “ Adam I mean BenI am Adam your Ben. What is wrong with me, stupid me i got our names mixed up. Bentell me please.” Said Adam I breath in and out before I tell Adam.

2 months ago
sadiecarstater:

“My Mom had a knife in the hand ,and I didn’t know until, my dad told me not to get involved. I was right in between ….” Adam didn’t let me finish what I was going to say. “She stabbed you. Why didn’t you call the cops?” Adam asked seemingly. “ Adam she didn't stab me she stabbed my Dad.” I said. “Oh I should of listened than just of assumed, but when you said that you were in between them,that’s when I thought she stabbed you with the knife.” said Adam. “Yep, you should have listened.” I said. “ Is your dad okay.” Asked Adam.

2 months ago
sadiecarstater:

“ yeah he is that’s when my mom calmed down. She had him take his shirt off so that she could look at his cut. Then she cleaned it up, and afterwards they were a happy couple.” I said. “Yuck that makes me sick that they were a happy couple afterwards.”said Adam. “Same Adam same. I don’t know why my don’t won’t just divorce my Mom.” I said. “ I know why your dad won’t divorce her.” said Adam “ No you don’t know why Adam.” I said. “ Of course I do Ben, your dad won’t divorce your mom because he loves her alot,a lot and doesn’t want to lose her.” said Adam. “ Yeah but it could also be the baby that my Mom is going to have.” I said. “ Wait your Mom is going to have a baby?” asked Adam. “Yeah she's two weeks pregnant.” I said. “ That’s cool you will get to be a big brother.”said Adam. It got quiet for a while, I wanted to talk about something else not about my problems.

2 months ago
sadiecarstater:

Adam wanted to make me talk about them, but I just didn’t want to. It did make me feel better though,after I told him what my Mom did. “ Ben i am glad that you told me this. Sometimes telling someone what happened that is making you upset can make you alot better sometimes.” said Adam. “Yeah it did make me feel alot better telling you.” I said. “That’s good pal, that’s good.” said Adam.

2 months ago
BenLindquist:

lmao can you put this into a file and then post it?

2 months ago
BenLindquist:

i requested to access it

2 months ago
justasoftie:

A thing about this is, you have periods in the at the end of the quotations. For it to be correct you would have to have commas. Unless you wanted to phrase it as, And then Adam said to Ben, "That's a good pal, that's good." I also noticed that in more than one place you had periods where there should be question marks.

2 months ago
justasoftie:

I just glanced at it and these were the problems I saw right off the bat.

2 months ago
BenLindquist:

i can grammar check

2 months ago
sadiecarstater:

um how do i let you acsess it

2 months ago
BenLindquist:

go to your file and im not sure

2 months ago
sadiecarstater:

try this

2 months ago
justasoftie:

I also noticed another. Sacramento is not capitalize

2 months ago
justasoftie:

Capitalized*

2 months ago
sadiecarstater:

oh okay thanks

2 months ago
daDreamersHERE:

I dont know if this helps now but after the word Sacramento, there should be a comma.

2 months ago
sadiecarstater:

yeah thanks you can still hepl im writting it in a googl docs, idk if you find the link somewhere up there

2 months ago
daDreamersHERE:

ok

2 months ago
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