i need feed back on this story it's due for today

There was once a kid named James Afton who was the smartest in his grade. He was an a+ student and came from a well-known family of skilled business. His parents fell in love 20 years ago and 16 years later he was born. As he grew up he became lonely his parents loved him but never had time for him and but he could never find the love at his school he tried several times in girls his grade but one day out of the blue a new female student was added into his classroom she was a blond girl with green eyes and had freckles on her face at first he thought she was like the other girls but at there break she went up to him and started to talk to him he thought it was a prank but five minutes later he fell in love with her ever since then that went out on dates every weekend and a few years later had a family James works as an animatronic maker and his wife is a businesswoman for an every well-respected company that helps those who needs jobs

Marry Schmidt- Had lived with her father for the longest time and all she can remember was him always yelling at her, every day she would come home from school do her homework, and listen to her dad scream at her for not doing things when he was home all day. She never wanted to live with her dad but she knew that it was best for her until she could move with her mom. In about 6th grade I got a call that I was going to be with her mom soon and I kept going with all the cuts on her arms, I finally found the light at the end of her tunnel, but when she went to grade 7th that’s when her life changed. As soon as she walked into her new classroom she was a shy type of girl but very smart. On January 12, she fell in love with James Afton and confessed her love for him. That day she had gotten nervous then walked up to him and told him how handsome he was, the way he made her feel, and how she could see herself marrying him and how much of a gentleman he was. After about the 3 dates she asked him if he would like to be her boyfriend He said yes and she was filled with happiness and joy, After that about 7 years went by and they got married, it was a long road but they made it through, and right now we are working to make as much money as we can for the upcoming baby!

Their baby boy’s name is Luke Afton and he loves these parents and he is doing well at school, his parents and he on the weekends go out to places like the mall, parks, restaurants, etc. They had their issues

Question

i need feed back on this story it's due for today

There was once a kid named James Afton who was the smartest in his grade. He was an a+ student and came from a well-known family of skilled business. His parents fell in love 20 years ago and 16 years later he was born. As he grew up he became lonely his parents loved him but never had time for him  and but he could never find the love at his school he tried several times in girls his grade but one day out of the blue a new female student was added into his classroom she was a blond girl with green eyes and had freckles on her face at first he thought she was like the other girls but at there break she went up to him and started to talk to him he thought it was a prank but five minutes later he fell in love with her ever since then that went out on dates every weekend and a few years later had a family James works as an animatronic maker and his wife is a businesswoman for an every well-respected company that helps those who needs jobs

Marry Schmidt- Had lived with her father for the longest time and all she can remember was him always yelling at her, every day she would come home from school do her homework, and listen to her dad scream at her for not doing things when he was home all day. She never wanted to live with her dad but she knew that it was best for her until she could move with her mom. In about 6th grade I got a call that I was going to be with her mom soon and I kept going with all the cuts on her arms, I finally found the light at the end of her tunnel, but when she went to grade 7th that’s when her life changed. As soon as she walked into her new classroom she was a shy type of girl but very smart. On January 12, she fell in love with James Afton and confessed her love for him. That day she had gotten nervous then walked up to him and told him how handsome he was, the way he made her feel, and how she could see herself marrying him and how much of a gentleman he was. After about the 3 dates she asked him if he would like to be her boyfriend He said yes and she was filled with happiness and joy, After that about 7 years went by and they got married, it was a long road but they made it through, and right now we are working to make as much money as we can for the upcoming baby!

Their baby boy’s name is Luke Afton and he loves these parents and he is doing well at school, his parents and he on the weekends go out to places like the mall, parks, restaurants, etc. They had their issues

b1az3 · Answer

but they still love each other

The curse of this family was immortality but they felt pain when a loved one or something dies.

b1az3 · Answer

also this is my last time posting here

b1az3 · Answer

i have family issue so i wont be on for about 5 or 12 months

ILOVESPAGHETTI · Answer

Alright, so I feel like the storyline is going a little too fast. The grammar is pretty good at least. The overall plot is nice but you need to smooth it out a bit, some stuff is just sudden, like that their family is immortal. I think you need a turning point that shows your reader their immortal, or the character stating so instead of just plain out saying it. Nice job though!

ILOVESPAGHETTI · Answer

@ilovespaghetti wrote:

Alright, so I feel like the storyline is going a little too fast. The grammar is pretty good at least. The overall plot is nice but you need to smooth it out a bit, some stuff is just sudden, like that their family is immortal. I think you need a turning point that shows your reader their immortal, or the character stating so instead of just plain out saying it. Nice job though!

they're

594ikfo94 · Answer

gooooooooooooooooooooooood