Question

I made a brief description of a script for my animation about love at first sight. I wanted to know what ya'll think, and if I should also show the full script. I chose the animation to be based on love at first sight since Valentine's Day is near.

"Love through the looking holes" (Brief description of the story)

Luna was first to be seen in the boba shop, drinking her boba. Elijah was soon introduced, walking into the shop to order his own drink, but she caught his eye. Two hearts were shown in that scene, one was filled while the other had holes, but the holes were starting to fill in slowly when he saw her. In the end, he ended up asking her out before she was gone completely, at the last minute of course, with the holes in his heart almost filled and healed.

(Credits for title goes to @randogirl123. She came up with the title, so I thought of a story to go with it.)

Answer 1

i actually want part 2

Answer 2

part 2?

Answer 3

Thats cool

Answer 4

W

Answer 5

10/10

Answer 6

w

Answer 7

If I may, here are a few takeaways for improvement.

Passive phrasing like “was first to be seen” and “was soon introduced” feels rather distant.
Making the subject perform the action creates a stronger connection with the reader. For example, instead of “Luna was first to be seen in the boba shop, drinking her boba,” a more engaging version would be “Luna sat in the boba shop, sipping her drink, unaware of the moment about to unfold.” Same for his scene, “Elijah was soon introduced, walking into the shop to order his own drink, but she caught his eye” can become “Elijah stepped into the shop, intending only to order his usual, until he saw her.”
Stronger verbs like “sat” and “stepped” make the actions more vivid, while an active structure keeps the writing engaging.


Repetitive sentence structures (repeating the same like action(s)) can make writing feel dull or lifeless.

In the original, “Luna was first to be seen in the boba shop, drinking her boba. Elijah was soon introduced, walking into the shop to order his own drink, but she caught his eye,” both sentences start with a subject followed by "was," making them feel predictable.
An engaging version would be: “Luna sat alone in the boba shop, quietly sipping her drink. Moments later, Elijah walked in, scanning the menu—until his gaze landed on her.” This allows sentence beginnings, incorporates different lengths for better pacing, and replaces simple descriptions with vivid detais, like “quietly sipping her drink” instead of “drinking her boba.”


Another area for improvement is imagery. The original metaphor, “Two hearts were shown in that scene, one was filled while the other had holes, but the holes were starting to fill in slowly when he saw her,” can be rewritten for a more poetic and engaging effect: “In that moment, two hearts existed—one whole, the other fractured. But as his gaze lingered on her, the cracks in his heart slowly began to mend.” Rewording it makes the imagery more fluid and emotionally impactful while removing unnecessary words.
By using stronger verbs, varying sentence structures, and making characters drive the action, the writing becomes more engaging, natural and goes with the flow.

Nevertheless, I'd say it still turned out fairly well. (:

Answer 8

good

Answer 9

Lame

Answer 10

w

Answer 11

Did part 2 come out yet? cus this is fire.

Answer 12

this is is greatness