Question

[b] Tv show script - Feedback wanted! [/b]

Different parts will be put in responses - Just so you all know, Runa is MC, Astra + Axel are supporting and Jinxlet is a villain temporarily

Answer 1

Teaser One

Fade in on Runa sitting against a tree in the woods. It’s fairly bright, and you can hear the sounds of the wildlife in the background. Runa sits with headphones in, the music faintly audible. Her phone buzzes.

She grabs it and checks the screen.

RUNA
(Annoyed) Dad? Again? Geez, can’t he learn to take a hint?

The call is declined. Just as Runa is about to put her headphones back in, there’s the sound of something creeping through the undergrowth.

RUNA
(Spooked) Hello? Is there someone there?..

Runa stands up to explore the source of the sound-She crouches and lifts a branch, peering into the dark and is met with two glowing eyes within the darkness. A low growl rumbles from the shadows as more eyes blink open around the first.

RUNA
(Scared) NOPE! NO F#####G WAY, NUH UH, NO! GOODBYE! NO THANK YOU!

Runa grabs her backpack and books it, one of her headphones crunching underneath her foot. She runs through the trees, quick cuts showing her pounding feet and the blurred form of the creature in pursuit.

Runa trips over her own shoelaces and goes rolling down a rocky hill, collecting scrapes, a cut on her cheekbone and many bruises.

RUNA
(Heavy breathing, shaky voice) ah-O-Ow…Christ-Ow, ow, ow-

JINXLET
(Taunting) oh, oh no…Did you hurt yourself, little one?

The Jinxlet joins her at the bottom of the hill and crawls over her, snarling with a predatory grin.

JINXLET
(Hushed) I can make allll that pain go away oh so fast, Little one..

The Jinxlet begins to prepare to attack when it’s shot in the neck. It growls and stumbles off of Runa, collapsing on the ground beside her. Runa stares at it, panting.

A stranger passes in front of her to approach the Jinxlet and Runa begins to feel lightheaded.

RUNA
(Dizzily) what…are you?

AXEL
(Shocked, distracted) You can see me?…
S##t, she can see me-That’s not good.

Fade to black/credits as Runa passes out.

Answer 2

Teaser Two

Camera ‘blinks’ in Runa’s POV. She’s in a medical tent, the curtains drawn. The air around her is so clean her lungs can’t help but ache. Outside the tent, two people are speaking in hushed tones.

AXEL
C’mon, Astr-

ASTRA
It’s Lieutenant, Axel.

AXEL
(Forced) Right. My mistake…Lieutant..Anyways. I couldn’t have just left her there! There was a Jinxlet. And she could see me! I knew it wasn’t normal-I need to know why she’s different.

ASTRA
(Demanding, raising her voice) And you thought that the best way of doing so was bringing HER UP HERE?! Are you out of YOUR MIND, AXEL?!

AXEL
(Defensive) You don’t gotta yell. She’s just some harmless fledgling. She won’t hurt anything.
(Grumbling under breath) Ratchet wouldn’t yell at me like this for bein’ curious…

ASTRA
(Sarcastically cheerful) Oh, I’m sorry, brother. You’re right, that was very strange. How could she see you? She definitely must be studied.

Runa begins to make her way out of the bed and with a limp, opens the tent. She sees two figures, one with his back to her, the other facing him. The Lieutenant gets visibly disgruntled. Runa focuses her vision on the wings both people have.

RUNA
(Hissed under breath) what the…

ASTRA
(Gritted through teeth) Oh! Axel, would you look at that! Your guest is awake..

Axel’s head twists around. Runa stares in horror, her face turning slightly green.

RUNA
(Gagging) oh, my god, I’m gonna be sick-

ASTRA
Axel! Stop! Humans don’t do that!

AXEL
Oh, yeah, sorry.

Axel’s body turns around to face the same direction as his head. He has this stupid charming little grin, and his hair is tied back into a bun.

He steps forward-Way to close-Causing Runa’s cheeks to heat up. He pokes and prods curiously, sniffing here and there. Astrapia acts as if it’s completely normal to poke and sniff strangers. He does circles, lifting her arms and inspecting her.

AXEL
So. You’re a human. For sure, right? Not a secret cypher or somethin’? A hybrid that got both human halves?

RUNA
(Deadpaning) yeah. I left my wings in my other jacket-Hey, would’ya-Just-Stop-
(Shoving Axel off) Hey, personal space, man! You ever heard of that?!

AXEL
(Delighted) ASTRA! SHE WAS BEING SARCASTIC! HUMANS HAVE SARCASM!

ASTRA
(Scowling as Axel shakes her) Oh, joy.

As the two winged persons are busy bickering, Runa takes a moment to really take in her surroundings. She’s on an island,
Surrounded by the morning’s cloudy sky. She is currently standing in what looks to be a military camp, so there are plenty of people dressed in similar uniforms to Astrapia.

It’s all so different, so new-Yet so familiar.

RUNA
(mumbling) why do I recognize all of this?..
Why is it making me think of dad?

Cut to black/end credits.

Answer 3

Episode One
Screen plays a flashback of young Runa with her dad.
Y!RUNA
C’mon, Papa! Just one more story? PLEASEE?

DAD
Alright, Alright, Just one more, Then you go to bed.
Y!Runa climbs into her father’s lap as he flips the page of his storybook.
Whole screen zooms into Y!Runa’s eyes. The reflection of the page’s drawings begin to move in her eyes as her young imagination runs wild.
DAD
Years and years and years ago, there was a kingdom in the sky.
This kingdom was named Aviaopia. The people of Aviaopia were very special.
They could fly. They had big wings, like birdies-And they could hold the clouds in their hands like cotton.
Y!Runa’s imagination turns dark as a storm begins to rumble outside.
DAD
But, us humans were jealous of them. We wanted their ability to fly-We wanted to be able to dominate the land, the water-And now that we knew we could-The sky, too.
We hated that there was something we couldn’t corrupt. Something we couldn’t destroy-
So we trapped them.

Y!Runa jumps as thunder crashes outside and she buries her face in her dad’s neck. He soothes her and puts the book away.


DAD
It’s alright, mi vida-You’re safe. I’ll protect you.

Y!RUNA
(Tearfully) Why did we trap afie-oapie-ah?

DAD
(Chuckling) Aviaopia. And I don’t know. It’s just a story.

World returns to the present. Axel and Astra have stopped fighting.

ASTRA
What are we supposed to do with her, Axel? She can’t stay here!
She’s a human. It’s bad enough that she saw you.

Astrapia grabs Runa’s wrist and tugs her back into the tent, pushing Axel in with her wing.

AXEL
Oh, yeah…That’s…A great point..
Should I get someone?

ASTRA
Absolutely no-

Astrapia is interrupted as Ratchet enters the tent.

RACH
Hey, Axel-(Gasps, drops what they were holding)
Is that a human?

Astrapia groans and pinches her nose bridge. Axel and Ratchet start freaking out over the human, nerding out together and annoying Runa and Astrapia in the process.

RACH
Does anyone else know about it? Is it your pet?


AXEL
No, and n-

RUNA
(Offended) I am not a pet! I can speak, too, by the way!
And I don't appreciate being treated like I’m not here.

Answer 4

Quick little tip, when you use LaTeX, you don't need a space in between the first word and the command you're trying to do. :3

For the actual script, there are SOME things I wanna point out.

One thing I noticed is that you added "S##t, she can see me-That’s not good." to the end of the first teaser. I don't really think it's needed as it kinda seems like it's dragging the scene a bit. Keeping it at the first line would keep the suspense of the scene until the next fade in.

The next thing I noticed is how you sorta exaggerated Runa's reaction to the Jinxlet. If it was a real situation, it would be way better to just have a small "..What the [insert profanity]" to add onto the small bits of horror already in the scene.

Also when she fell and scraped herself, the 'ow' bits don't seem as natural, and those could easily be replaced with things like "Oh God.." or, of course, small spurts of profanity and panicked breathing.

I also think it would be better for the Jinxlet to try and escape instead of just growling. It can add a bit of personality to the thing.

I'm reading the others right now too :3

Answer 5

its pretty good