Question

Can any one grammatically check my essay?

Answer 1

Since I was a small child I was always pressured to be the best. The best athlete, the best student , the best daughter. Not only did I have the pressure of being the perfect little daughter my parents wanted but of being number one. Veron Paul Louse Gonzales must never be in second place. That would dishonor the family name. Since my school offered an extensive selection of sports, I was forced to do swimming. I had to compete in every race and win them all.
Being only seven years old my taste in sport had not developed yet. Luckily for me swimming not only become a daily activity but my passion. So when I was forced to go to every swimming competition it was not a burden. I will always remember waking up at six in the morning. My body still asleep but my spirit wide awake. My morning routine before ever race was wake up , brush teeth , brush hair , dress up , eat up , and run to the car. On the way to every competition the car ride felt like an eternity . I could feel every bump and turn and they all took twice as long than usual . Every time the car would make a stop, its as if the ground beneath us stopped as well.
Once we arrived I eagerly ran , changed , and got ready to compete . There was nothing that I loved more than that cold chill I would get when I jumped into the pool. As soon as I was done , no shower could remove that strong smell of chlorine. My hair would turn as soft as an used witches broom. And I how could I forget my attractive pruny fingers that had the delightful scent of chlorine. Swimming become my new hobby and obsession . How could I forget the nicknames like mermaid girl or little phelps. Not to sound egotistical but my swimming skills made every other competitor green with envy . People say hard work pays off and in my case I was the living proof.
Just when I had tasted the glory, life puts my skills to the test. The test any atlethe dreads and hopes to never encounter. The test that will determine whether I am worthy of being called a swimmer . The test that will either give honor to my family or bring them shame . So I might be exaggerating just a bit but what was to come could change everything I have ever worked for. It was around November when I got the call. My swimming coach called to annouce the students that would represent the acadamy. Only the best of the best got this call. I knew what this meant and I was ready. I , Veron Paul Louse Gonzales, finally got the call inviting me to participate in the most vital competition of the year. My eyes were glowing with exciting and my heart was overwhelmed with audacity. This competition would put my skills to the ultimate test and I was ready to give it my all.
It is a Saturday morning , the day of the race .My Dad slowly, almost snake-like , comes into my room and says ,”No matter what happens today , remember , we all have faith in you and know you will surprise us with the talent you were given.” At this moment all I could think of saying back was , “I… umm.. thanks.” The simplicity of my reply did not show my anxiousness . Or the fact that I felt as if a thousand frozen needles were slowly making their way through my body . We arrive at the competition. I see kids twice my age ready to put on a show. I was not intimidated by their barbaric size compared to my pea-sized body. I make my way to my spot. Waiting to hear the loud signal of the blasting gun. BAM! I jump into the icy pool. Feeling like a fish in the water I refuse to gasp for air. I lose contact with the outer world and my surroundings. I no longer hear the roaring crowd cheering for their team. All I hear is my heart beating agaisnt my chest. I become weightless. Many people could say swimming is the closest thing we have to feeling weightless and free. At this point I realized that regardless whether I walked out with a trophy or not, nothing in the entire world could take away this feeling of liberty. Where I suddenly lose myself in another world where there was no gravity weighting me down. Where I could deter the frightening noises surrounding me and replace them by a soothing noiseless sound. The sound of silence. I escaped all my fears and became liberated. Soon, I reached the end of the race. Winning and being the best became the least of my problems. Because that day I found my what most people call their happy place. A place I could go to and release my fears into a bottomless pit. I knew from that day on that swimming was more than competitions. It was my way of escaping the world .

Answer 2

This is math, not English

Answer 3

its too big.

Answer 4

ricnus is right, there is a group for english.

Answer 5

anyway, I think there's no mistake.

Answer 6

op sorry! I thought I clicked writing. SORRY! hahah

Answer 7

For grammatical reasons, all is accurate =)

Answer 8

i found some typos and whatnot

Answer 9

also, "every time the car would make a stop, its as if the ground would stop as well" -- one, it would be "it's", not "its". second, the metaphor doesn't really make sense, since the ground is not moving.

Answer 10

I see , that's true! anything else?

Answer 11

generally i feel like it could be tightened quite a bit. the penultimate paragraph, for example, goes on at length about "this would be the ultimate test. the ultimate test. the ultimate test!" in a way that could be trimmed to a sentence or two. using your full name a second time was a little over the top.

the last paragraph makes an awkward transition from past tense to present tense. i'd suggest keeping consistent in past tense for the entire essay.

Answer 12

i'm not sure what it means for a heart to be "overwhelmed with audacity"

Answer 13

i will give you this: i love love love the fact that you never say whether or not you won the race. that's a great twist and really makes the story meaningful.

Answer 14

"many people could say that swimming" --> just make it "many people say". (drop "could")

Answer 15

Thank you for your help! english is my 3rd language so my grammar is so and so lol. I have a lot of problem with the past and present tense so i am going to try to fix that now and same with the metaphor, and i didnt repeat my name, and fixed the overwhelmed with audacity with filled with courage

Answer 16

"glowing with exciting" --> "glowing with excitement"

Answer 17

re: "My hair would turn as soft as an used witches broom. And I how could I forget my attractive pruny fingers that had the delightful scent of chlorine."

a used witches broom also sounds very NOT soft, and since the sentence that followed about your fingers being pruny describes a negative aspect it leaves me confused as to whether your hair was actually soft and the broom analogy was weird, or if both sentences were meant to sarcastically describe negative physical effects of swimming.

i'm not sure anyone knows what a used witches broom feels like; usually the purpose of a metaphor is to relate something unknown (your hair's softness) to something familiar (like, say, a fluffy cat).

if the intent was sarcasm, i'd change it to be more directly negative, e.g. "i'd emerge from the pool with my hair hopelessly tangled in knots and pruny fingers stinking of chlorine."

Answer 18

"how could i forget" is used twice; i'd drop one (or both). chlorine is mentioned twice; eliminate one. this is the kind of tightening i mean -- it feels like almost every thought is said, and then re-stated in a slightly different way.

Answer 19

Maybe I'll change the witch broom example, it sounds a bit rough anyways. Maybe just used broom or something. it was meant to be sarcastic.

Answer 20

fixing the repetitive use of how could i forget*

Answer 21

well, as i said earlier, i'd remove the sarcasm; it doesn't usually come through in writing. something more direct like the sentence i suggested (e.g. "i'd emerge with my hair tangled and fingers stinking of chlorine") gets the idea across much more clearly.

however i am honestly moved by the ending of your essay -- it really just has a beautiful arc where you started out competing because you were forced to by your family, pushed to your limits to win, to be number one, but in the end you just found a joy of swimming and cared so little about winning that you don't even tell us whether or not you won the big swim meet. it's just wonderful, and the lack of hearing if you won changed it from what I was expecting (a cliche ending) to something truly unique. bravo.

Answer 22

Thank you for all your help! especially because I posted it in the wrong section hehehe. I trully appreciate the time you took to help me out. This was my first "narrative" story so fingers crossed hehe.

Answer 23

also, put your nicknames in quotation marks -- the nicknames like "mermaid girl" or "little Phelps"

Answer 24

Ah! Of course!!

Answer 25

just curious, what grade/level/class are you in?

Answer 26

AP english, 11th grade .

Answer 27

what was the assignment?

Answer 28

to write a narrative essay about an event or something that changed your life

Answer 29

nicely done.

Answer 30

"swimming not only become" --> became

Answer 31

"So when I was forced" --> "When I was forced"

Answer 32

haha yes i was looking at that, Had to change that immediately . Also fixed the typos. Any advice about the last paragraphs past and present tense issue?

Answer 33

yes, just to change it to the past tense, e.g.


On a Saturday morning, day of the race arrived. My Dad slowly, almost
snake-like, came into my room and said, ”No matter what happens today,
remember, we all have faith in you and know you will surprise us with
the talent you were given.” At this moment all I could think of saying
was, “I… umm.. thanks.” The simplicity of my reply did not show my
anxiousness or the fact that I felt as if a thousand frozen needles
were slowly making their way through my body. We arrived at the
competition. I saw kids twice my age ready to put on a show. I was not
intimidated by their barbaric size compared to my pea-sized body. I
made my way to my spot and waited to hear the loud signal of the
blasting gun. BAM! I jumped into the icy pool. Feeling like a fish in
the water I refused to gasp for air. I lost contact with the outer
world and my surroundings. I no longer heard the roaring crowd
cheering for their team. All I heard was my heart beating against my
chest. I became weightless. People say swimming is the closest thing
we have to feeling weightless and free. At this point I realized that
whether I walked out with a trophy or not, nothing in the entire world
could take away this feeling of liberty. I could lose myself in
another world where there was no gravity weighting me down. I could
deter the frightening noises surrounding me and replace them with a
soothing noiseless sound, the sound of silence. I escaped all my fears
and became liberated. Soon, I reached the end of the race. Winning and
being the best became the least of my problems. That day I
found my what most people call their "happy place," a place I could
release my fears into a bottomless pit. I knew from that day on
that swimming was more than competitions. It was my way of escaping
the world.

Answer 34

i also took the liberty of changing some of your sentence fragments into complete sentences. sentence fragments have their place, but i think they were overused in this essay to the point that it wasn't clear if you were doing it intentionally.

Answer 35

"before ever race" --> "every"

Answer 36

Since I was a small child I was always pressured to be the best. The best athlete, the best student, the best daughter. Not only did I have the pressure of being the perfect little daughter my parents wanted but of being number one. Veron Paul Gonzales must never be in second place. That would dishonor the family name. Since my school offered an extensive selection of sports, I was forced to do swimming. I had to compete in every race and win them all.
Being only seven years old my taste in sport had not developed yet. Luckily for me swimming not only became a daily activity but my passion. When I was forced to go to every swimming competition it was not a burden. I will always remember waking up at six in the morning. My body still asleep but my spirit wide awake. My morning routine before ever race was wake up, brush teeth, brush hair, dress up, eat up, and run to the car. On the way to every competition the car ride felt like an eternity. I could feel every bump and turn and they all took twice as long than usual. Every time the car would make a stop, it is as if we stopped with the ground beneath us.
Once we arrived I eagerly ran, changed, and got ready to compete. There was nothing that I loved more than that cold chill I would get when I jumped into the pool. As soon as I was done my skin felt ironically dehydrated. My hair would turn as soft as the tips of an old broom . And I how could I forget my attractive pruny fingers that had the delightful scent of chlorine. Swimming became my new hobby and obsession. The nicknames like “mermaid girl” or “little Phelps”. Not to sound egotistical but my swimming skills made every other competitor green with envy. People say hard work pays off and in my case I was the living proof.
Just when I had tasted the glory, life puts my skills to the test. The test any athlete dreads and hopes to never encounter. The test that will determine whether I am worthy of being called a swimmer. The test that will either give honor to my family or bring them shame. So I might be exaggerating just a bit but what was to come could change everything I have ever worked for. It was around November when I got the call. My swimming coach called to announce the students that would represent the academy. Only the best of the best received this call. I knew what this meant and I was ready. I finally got the call inviting me to participate in the most vital competition of the year. My eyes were glowing with excitement and my heart was filled with courage. This competition would put my skills to the ultimate test and I was ready to give it my all.
On a Saturday morning, day of the race arrived. My Dad slowly, almost snake-like, came into my room and said, ”No matter what happens today, remember, we all have faith in you and know you will surprise us with the talent you were given.” At this moment all I could think of saying was, “I… umm.. thanks.” The simplicity of my reply did not show my anxiousness or the fact that I felt as if a thousand frozen needles were slowly making their way through my body. We arrived at the competition. I saw kids twice my age ready to put on a show. I was not intimidated by their barbaric size compared to my pea-sized body. I made my way to my spot and waited to hear the loud signal of the blasting gun. BAM! I jumped into the icy pool. Feeling like a fish in the water I refused to gasp for air. I lost contact with the outer world and my surroundings. I no longer heard the roaring crowd cheering for their team. All I heard was my heart beating against my chest. I became weightless. People say swimming is the closest thing we have to feeling weightless and free. At this point I realized that whether I walked out with a trophy or not, nothing in the entire world could take away this feeling of liberty. I could lose myself in another world where there was no gravity weighting me down. I could deter the frightening noises surrounding me and replace them with a soothing noiseless sound, the sound of silence. I escaped all my fears and became liberated. Soon, I reached the end of the race. Winning and being the best became the least of my problems. That day I found my what most people call their "happy place," a place I could release my fears into a bottomless pit. I knew from that day on that swimming was more than competitions. It was my way of escaping the world.

Answer 37

the name keeps changing, you must be having a personality crisis :-)

Answer 38

Haha the name is not that important XD i'll make on up again lol. and I fixed the every* idk if its in this copy though

Answer 39

it's looking better. still some things i would change if it were my essay, but, it has to be your voice, not mine!

Answer 40

i've gotta go to sleep but, nice essay! have a good evening

Answer 41

the part where the test is repeated 3 times, isnt their a rhetorical name for that?

Answer 42

doesn't ring a bell

Answer 43

I know i saw it somewhere... something with an A. Anywhoo Here is the final product... Again haha.

Since I was a small child I was always pressured to be the best. The best athlete, the best student, the best daughter. Not only did I have the pressure of being the perfect little daughter my parents wanted but of being number one. Veron Paul Gonzales must never be in second place. That would dishonor the family name. Since my school offered an extensive selection of sports, I was forced to do swimming. I had to compete in every race and win them all.
Being only seven years old my taste in sport had not developed yet. Luckily for me swimming not only became a daily activity but my passion. When I was forced to go to every swimming competition it was not a burden. I will always remember waking up at six in the morning. My body still asleep but my spirit wide awake. My morning routine before every race was wake up, brush teeth, brush hair, dress up, eat up, and run to the car. On the way to every competition the car ride felt like an eternity. I could feel every bump and turn and they all took twice as long than usual. Every time the car would make a stop, it is as if we stopped with the ground beneath us.
Once we arrived I eagerly ran, changed, and got ready to compete. There was nothing that I loved more than that cold chill I would get when I jumped into the pool. As soon as I was done my skin felt ironically dehydrated. My hair would turn soft like the tips of an old broom. And I how could I forget my attractive pruny fingers that had the delightful scent of chlorine. Swimming became my new hobby and obsession. I was given nicknames like “mermaid girl” or “little Phelps”. Not to sound egotistical but my swimming skills made every other competitor green with envy. People say hard work pays off and in my case I was the living proof.
Just when I had tasted the glory, life puts my skills to the test. The test any athlete dreads and hopes to never encounter. The test that will determine whether I am worthy of being called a swimmer. And whether I will give honor to my family or bring them shame. I might be exaggerating just a bit but what was to come could change everything I have ever worked for. It was around November when I got the call. My swimming coach called to announce the students that would represent the academy. Only the best of the best received this call. I knew what this meant and I was ready. I finally got the call inviting me to participate in the most vital competition of the year. My eyes were glowing with excitement and my heart was filled with courage. This competition would put my skills to the ultimate test and I was ready to give it my all.
On a Saturday morning, day of the race arrived. My Dad slowly, almost snake-like, came into my room and said, ”No matter what happens today, remember, we all have faith in you and know you will surprise us with the talent you were given.” At this moment all I could think of saying was, “I… umm.. thanks.” The simplicity of my reply did not show my anxiousness or the fact that I felt as if a thousand frozen needles were slowly making their way through my body. We arrived at the competition. I saw kids twice my age ready to put on a show. I was not intimidated by their barbaric size compared to my pea-sized body. I made my way to my spot and waited to hear the loud signal of the blasting gun. BAM! I jumped into the icy pool. Feeling like a fish in the water I refused to gasp for air. I lost contact with the outer world and my surroundings. I no longer heard the roaring crowd cheering for their team. All I heard was my heart beating against my chest. I became weightless. People say swimming is the closest thing we have to feeling weightless and free. At this point I realized that whether I walked out with a trophy or not, nothing in the entire world could take away this feeling of liberty. I could lose myself in another world where there was no gravity weighting me down. I could deter the frightening noises surrounding me and replace them with a soothing noiseless sound, the sound of silence. I escaped all my fears and became liberated. Soon, I reached the end of the race. Winning and being the best became the least of my problems. That day I found what most people call their "happy place," a place I could release my fears into a bottomless pit. I knew from that day on that swimming was more than competitions. It was my way of escaping the world.

Answer 44

{Oh sorry didn't read your reply, Good night! }