Question

Is this a good introduction paragraph?

Answer 1

You’re sitting outside on your porch and you see a bunch of kids walking down the street towards the community center. They’re all laughing and some of them are carrying baseball bats and wearing swim trunks. You smile; proud that the kids in your community are spending their time getting healthy exercise instead of playing on all of their fancy gadgets they have nowadays. Unfortunately, this is not the case for my community. In fact, it is the exact opposite. Instead of exercising their heart, kids are exercising their thumbs to play Stick Run, Temple Run, and other games.

It's my argumentation essay.

Answer 2

You could also write it this way:
One fine evening, when you are sitting on the porch, you see a bunch of kids walking down the street, towards the community center. All of them seem to be in a merry mood, while some of them happen to be carrying baseball bats, and wearing swim trunks. Such a sight gives you a feeling of satisfaction and pride considering the fact that children in your community engage themselves more in outside activities instead of the common stereotypical hobbies of the young generation which include lazying around the house everyday, being a couch potato with chips in their mouths and Xbox 360 controllers in their hands. This is a major drawback since they do not give the essential workout the body needs to function well, and this adversely affects their physical, mental and social growth.

I just paraphrased your paragraph, but in a more introducing manner. Just try to include an event when you begin like, on a particular date or day..something like that. Hope this helps!

Answer 3

Thanks! It does, thanks again :)

Answer 4

No problem mate!

Answer 5

Okay, so the three of us have had a bit of discussion about this paragraph in the chat tool. Let's go back to Life's original, for the moment. In terms of the sentences themselves and the picture they paint, I don't think that -- given where this student is in her (or his) writing at the moment -- you'd necessarily want to do a good deal to it. Particularly not without first seeing its larger context.

The bigger question here is, what will the thesis statement be? Where is this paragraph leading? Presumably, not to argue that exercise is good, that kids ought to exercise. The paragraph already assumes that, and so the paper cannot argue that point -- to do so would be to engage in what is called "begging the question."

Is the thesis to be that communities ought to have community centers, so that kids have a place to go to engage in activities? I've worked a little with Life before, and I seem to remember something along these lines. (I thought it was to have been finished by Feb. 22 though, wasn't it? You were saying something about deadlines and procrastination? ; ) If I'm correct, if this is the thesis, in order to argue this point, she (or he) is going to have to pull in some statistics from somewhere, showing that kids engage in activities far more often when there are community centers in place for them; or that in communities with such centers, the kids in the area do make good use of them (that is, the centers aren't half-empty much of the time, or filled primarily with adults); or perhaps both.

The reality is that video games have become numerous and sophisticated, and widespread. There are how many platforms now, how many games? They tap into something in the human brain -- perhaps more specifically with males, perhaps more powerfully among the young -- that is difficult to counter. These games challenge, they reward, they engage the visual cortex -- the largest part of the brain -- and many people find them compelling. There are also certain demonstrable benefits to playing such games. To some extent, gaming does feed the brain. It is gaming to the excess, gaming in place of actual physical play, that becomes problematic, most particularly in children, even more so in young children. Very young children need physical activity and physical play to grow and develop. Older children and teens still need activity and play in their lives, in fact we all do really, but this is so important as a person is growing. If you were going to argue any of these points in a paper, you would need to cite studies of some sort.

In terms of general principles, the more successful and interesting thesis statements are those that argue a point the audience is not likely to have thought of or a point *counter* to what the audience already is likely to believe. For example, if you wanted to argue that video games are not all bad, that there is a positive aspect to them, that would be an argument that runs counter to most indictments against them. (I'm not saying to argue this or even that I would argue it myself. It's an example.) Or if you wanted to argue that exercise is good not only for the body, but for the brain as well. Such an argument incorporates a newer understanding of the effects of exercise on the brain, and such effects are considerable. You might employ such an argument, for example, against the shutting down of PE programs in the schools. To cut costs, many schools are cutting out on "extras" like PE and music, when it turns out that both are very good for mental development. Cutting them out in favor of additional academic classes or additional study time is actually counterproductive. Exercise stimulates the brain. In certain model schools which have adopted intensive fitness (not team sport) programs for the kids, the scores throughout the school, for all the kids, go up.

The bottom line is, thesis statements ought to be controversial. If the majority of your audience already believes what you're about to argue, there's really no argument. And there's also little incentive for you to argue the case strongly. We argue best when we must counter strong and valid (or seemingly valid) arguments *against* the point we want to make. And so whenever you are writing an argumentative essay, you must always try to envision the strongest arguments opponents would make to your case, and argue against those points. Only if you can counter and dismantle an opponent's strongest arguments will you have made your own case stronger and more persuasive.

So that's a whole lot about thesis statements, but since this is an argumentative essay Life is writing, this is key. The thesis statement is the heart and soul of the essay written to persuade. You could, then, tinker with the words and the phrasing in this paragraph, but more importantly is what this first paragraph is written in service of, what thesis it is leading up to support.

In terms of the phrasing itself, the picture it paints, as I said at the outset, it's not too bad. You wouldn't want to recommend anything to the writer that strayed too far outside the realm of that writer's capabilities. We want to challenge Life, but not overwhelm her. She's got to grow. That's why we nudge, for example, with strong counter points to a given argument, or nudge in the direction of a stronger argument to begin with, but do not suggest an argument so complex and nuanced that someone at the level of graduate school could be writing an entire university-level book-length thesis on it.

Okay, Dangerous Life, I've been picking up the discussion with vengeance, and not directly addressing you. I hope you don't mind. These points are all relevant to you however. Where are you going with this essay, what will you be arguing? That is far more important, at the moment, than the phrasing in the paragraph. In terms of that phrasing, I'd say it's mostly okay for now, *if* (and only if) it is leading somewhere good with respect to the larger context. If you wanted to tinker with it, you might do something like this --

You’re sitting outside on your porch, and you see a bunch of kids walking down the street towards the community center. They’re all talking and laughing. Some of them are carrying baseball bats; some are wearing swim trunks; some are just walking along for the company. You smile, glad to see that the kids in your community are spending their time outside, in the fresh air, getting some exercise, instead of sitting around playing Xbox and Nintendo all the livelong day. Unfortunately, this is not the case in my neighborhood. In fact, it is just the opposite. Instead of exercising their bodies and minds, the kids in my neighborhood are exercising their thumbs, playing Stick Run and Temple Run instead of running, . . . [two more examples like that, for a series of three]

* * *

If you are going to be arguing that communities need community centers so that kids have a place to play, you're going to have to consider the likely counterarguments. Two I can think of right off the bat -- (1) Why do kids need a community center to play in? Can't they just play outside? No one is stopping them from playing, right? If they wanted to, they just would. (2) If you build a community center, how does that ensure that kids will put down their video games and go join in? What evidence can you give me (your audience) that this will be the case for a substantial enough number to make the investment worthwhile?

And overall, to strengthen the case for exercise, you might pull in some of these newer findings about exercise into your paper. When people understand in more detail what exercise does for the brain, they tend to value it more.

Answer 6

In terms of your question, vengeance, I'll get back to you later on today or tomorrow in this same thread. We'll look now just at painting that picture, and what else you might do with it, independent of the whole issue of the essay and where it is going.

Answer 7

@Red- Extremely thorough layout. Well done.

Answer 8

And we'll talk in detail about tone and style, and level of diction, those sorts of things, with examples.

Answer 9

Glad you like it. :)

I couldn't get your questions out of my head, and so have not yet walked away from the computer, which I am about to do. (Sitting around all day typing isn't good for body, mind, or soul either, no matter how intriguing the challenge.) Catch you later . . .

Answer 10

I want to prove that if kids have more opportunities to exercise, they will want to exercise. It's true, kids can just go outside and exercise, but there are only but so many games you can play where the lawn's the limit. I'll admit, I used to be somewhat a couch potato, only getting up if I had to, but when I joined the swim team at a community center 15 minutes away from us, I wasn't as attached to my computer as I was before there was an opportunity to go to the community center. Now I go there three times a week and I might go every day besides Sunday. For example, when I was younger, computer was just fun, but playing outside was where it was at. I used to finish my school work as fast as I could and then rush to get dressed so I could play outside. But eventually, playing Freeze Tag, Tag, Hide and Seek, and Freeze Tag and Hide and Seek put together got boring since we could only use two neighbors lawns so I eventually resorted to the computer for more fun. But now since there's a community center, where I can have other things to do where I have a whole building full of ideas rather than just a lawn full if that makes sense.

Answer 11

Remember that you're not writing a mathematical proof, so you're not going to "prove" anything. You're going to argue for something, and you're going to end by asking your audience to get involved in some way. I'm looking at the assignment sheet now, which we looked at briefly a month or so back, and I see that a "call to action" is included.

Have you worked through the prewriting sheet yet? Don't skip that step! Your topic is a why there should be a community center with activities for kids and teens? And your position is that there should be one? What are your three supporting details, and what is your thesis statement?

In terms of the intro paragraph that you have so far, if you're going to begin descriptively, it might be better to begin *in* the center, with kids and teens engaged in various activities, rather than simply having them walking down the street toward the center. Plus, in the paragraph as you have it now, you seem to be writing from the perspective of a middle-aged person sitting out on the porch. Why? Is that the audience you are envisioning? It might be more effective to write from your own perspective, with your own experiences. Those words will have more the ring of authenticity to them, and then you will be arguing from what you have learned in your life. Not that the whole essay should have that focus, but that should be your persona -- you.

Answer 12

Here's the pre-writing sheet, I didn't get to finish it though. I might skip this assignment and work on it later and work on my research paper instead since my research paper is due in 8 days

Answer 13

As usual, Redwood Girl has gone above and beyond with a phenomenal answer. I'll just add a couple points that hopefully aren't redundant.

Remember to have fun with the topic. If it isn't something that interests you, you will be struggling to write each word. Don't be lulled into taking a stand that doesn't put you at odds with anyone. What good is an argument that everyone agrees with? Find the nuance that sets your viewpoint apart--that particular perspective that you are in a better position to argue. The value of exercising is common knowledge; the value of a community center might not be. Regardless of the topic, even in cases where the teacher has assigned it, you can make it fun.

In terms of the paragraph you posted, I love that you're telling a narrative with vivid imagery. Are you using the right scene? Maybe. You're giving me a scene and then telling me that it isn't commonplace anymore. I could see you come back to that scene in your conclusion and reiterate how important it is for society (or whatever you conclude) that this scene be more commonplace.

But would it make more sense to paint a picture that is closer to what you are arguing? You want to make sure not to exaggerate excessively, but how about a scene that strikes of a ghost town? Maybe tumbleweed rolling across an empty road?

Whether you go with that scene or not, experiment with all the possibilities, all the positive and negative effects of this trend, and find arguments that support your claim. You might even find an argument that becomes your claim. Essentially, even though you have your topic, treat it like more of a starting point. Your persuasive argument is in the details.

Back to your intro. Once you've found your hook, churn it into a thesis and finish off that intro paragraph with it. This is the most important part. Your thesis should be strong and will drive the rest of your writing. In my opinion, you'll know you've found the right thesis when you get anxious to defend it, when the rest of the paper starts to almost write itself, and when you are excited to open someone's eyes to a new possibility. If you're struggling to continue after the intro, chances are that you haven't really found a strong thesis you care about.

Best of luck.

Answer 14

Would it be better if I made the person walking towards the community center adn when they get there they are greeted by the sound of lots of kids laughing and playing?

Answer 15

If that's what your thesis is going to revolve around, I think that's a good idea. If you're going to paint a picture for us like you do, you need to be thinking about what that picture stands for. Can you write in one line what that scene is trying to argue? Is it showing me that community centers help kids be active? If you start with the ghost town image and then bring us to the community center, your discussion might be more about how community centers, in contrast to a normal suburban cul de sac, help kids stay active. Are you going a step further and saying that without outlets such as community centers, kids are in danger of X (whatever X is)?

My point--have a clear idea about what your scene is arguing. It should either embody the thesis, or lead up to it. You're doing this in the paragraph you originally posted, but as you flesh out the thesis I think your scene should model that thesis even more.

And remember that the thesis needs to be more than "community centers are important/helpful." Okay, so they're helpful. Ask yourself, so what? In answering that so what, you find your thesis, and you find the right scene.

Does that help?

Answer 16

Yes, it does! The scene is trying to argue that when there are more opportunities for fun ways to exercise, kids will come out more to play rather than stay inside. Is that good?

Answer 17

I think that's half of it, but try taking it a step further. Why does it matter?

Answer 18

It matters because 1, kids need to exercise their hearts or else it could lead to serious problems. I searched it, and it said that a low activity level increases your chance of getting Type 2 Diabetes. Another reason is because all of those fancy gadgets like the iPod, iPod Touch, iPad, iPhone, and all of that stuff can cause brain damage because of the radiation it emits

Answer 19

And what's gonna happen to all of those calories you gain when you eat if you just sit there on the couch? You can't burn all of it just by playing Temple Run, you're not even running!

Answer 20

Okay, I think you're getting there. What you're telling me about why it matters shows signs of a thesis. A thesis should do more than show me a comparison; it should tell me why that comparison is important.

Which do you think is stronger?
- Community centers are important because they help kids get off the couch and stay healthy.
- Diabetes is a rising problem facing today's younger generation, and one possible answer to that problem is greater support for community centers.

The first one merely states the claim that community centers lead to increased health, which is a claim most people aren't going to argue against. The second takes the idea a step further, and answers the "so what?" question by suggesting that community centers are a viable approach to stemming the rise of childhood diabetes.

This second approach also gives you so much more to work with. Now you're not just talking about the problem video games pose and how community centers help combat them. You can also talk about diabetes, other avenues people are promoting, and why your suggestion might be better than the alternatives (while making sure to give credit to the alternatives and pointing out possible downfalls of your own theory).

You could take this diabetes approach, the radiation approach, both, neither, whatever. But taking your idea one step further is crucial to forming a strong thesis.

Answer 21

Well, I chose the community center one at first because it has to be in my community and I don't know many diabetic children in my community

Answer 22

See, that's good. You're writing about something you know and care about. That's still present in the second option. The main problem with the first option is that it provides an insight without answering "so what?". A thesis needs both. It's like a formula: Insight+So what = Thesis. It's not that the first option is a weak thesis; it really isn't a thesis at all.

Even though you don't know anything about diabetes, you might take that path. You can break out of your comfort zone, learn about something new, and help your classmates understand something new.

Or you can answer the "so what?" with something you understand well.

If you're feeling uncomfortable about the "so what?" portion, that's not necessarily a bad sign. In fact, it's probably a good sign. A thesis should stretch you, just as it stretches your audience. If you know everything you have to say about the subject without researching or pondering, you probably are arguing something that most people would agree with.

Don't shy away from that uncomfortable "so what?" answer. Find one that intrigues you, research it, check to see if you're on the right track, find another track if you aren't, or pursue it if you are.

Answer 23

So even though I don't know if there are diabetics or not, I should still try to see if I could use it as my topic?

Answer 24

In my community I mean

Answer 25

Well, you wouldn't necessarily have to look for instances of diabetes in your community. Your community center example, at the very least, just needs to illustrate that such centers motivate kids to leave the couch. If you decide to focus on diabetes, you could then argue more generally about how an increase in exercise might decrease the likelihood of developing diabetes. You can throw in research that supports your claim--general research. No need to go door to door and conduct a study in your community.

Answer 26

Oh phew, and I think that the diabetes approach might be a stronger topic than just how a community center opens opportunities

Answer 27

I can understand if you got a little nervous there about having to conduct your own research study! Definitely not necessary.

I think the diabetes approach is a good topic, but that doesn't mean you can't follow the "community center opens opportunities" path. You just need to take it further. What opportunities does it open? And then, of course, so what?

Going back to what I said in my first response, I think finding something that is interesting and fun is important. If your thesis is strong, you're probably stretching yourself and feeling a little uncomfortable about what you don't know. If it's going to be uncomfortable and new, it might as well interest you.

One more note. Maybe you know a lot about community centers and diabetes. Still, your thesis should stretch you in that you are looking for research that supports a specific claim. You've gone from general topics to a specific correlation, and that's not something you probably know a lot about. That's good! At that point you've found your thesis.

Answer 28

http://www.simplefitnesssolutions.com/articles/diabetes.htm
http://www.livestrong.com/article/84099-exercise-prevent-diabetes/
http://health.nytimes.com/health/guides/disease/type-2-diabetes/overview.html
I found those three websites, is any of it helpful?

Answer 29

Sure, I think those are a good start. It all depends on what is appropriate for your teacher/audience. In college, for example, you'd be looking at journals more than websites. And the NY Times article probably has more merit than a random website like simplefitnesssolutions. But as long as you think those sources are appropriate for your grade/teacher/audience, I think they are a good starting point.

Your essay will only get stronger as you keep digging for more support for your thesis, alternative solutions, holes in your thesis (which you might mention then defend against), and so on.

Good work!

Answer 30

Thanks! If you want, I can show you the assignment sheet she gave me

Answer 31

I think you're fine. If your teacher hasn't mentioned otherwise, he/she probably doesn't mind what sources you use. It's even possible that he/she doesn't even expect you to find sources, which means more points for doing some research!

Answer 32

I rewrote my introduction so that it leads to diabetes, is this any good?(I know I use this question a lot :P)
It’s a mildly hot summer day and you’re walking outside towards the community center. The closer you get the more kids you can see walking around and talking inside of the building. You open the door and you’re greeted by the sound of laughter and playing. Everywhere you look there are children happily talking to one another and a lot of them are wear swim trunks and flip-flops. A few are even carrying baseball bats and basketballs. You’re proud that the kids in your community rather spend their time participating in healthy exercise instead of playing on all of their fancy gadgets they have nowadays. Unfortunately, this is not the case for my community. In fact, it is the exact opposite. Instead of exercising their heart, kids are exercising their thumbs to play Stick Run, Temple Run, and other games. This can lead to serious problems such as diabetes in childhood.

Answer 33

Hey, LifeIsADangerousGame. Your thesis is coming along nicely. Love the vivid imagery. Here are some of my thoughts. Your last sentence is still more of a fact than an argument. I believe you're basically saying that a lack of exercise can lead to serious problems such as diabetes. What you want to do is add an argument. You've got to take a stand.

So what stand do you want to make? Are you arguing that a decline in community centers might be directly related to an increase in diabetes? Or that communities should promote community centers in order to fight diabetes? Or something else? Those are similar arguments, but different.

I think you could add one more line here and have a strong thesis. You've introduced community centers and diabetes. Now make your argument.

Answer 34

So, I should add something along the lines like: How can we prevent this? Getting a community center is the first step.

Answer 35

Exactly. How does it feel to you?

Answer 36

What do you mean? How does what feel to me?

Answer 37

Ha, sorry. I mean, does that sound like a good argument to you? Are you excited to defend it?

Answer 38

Not really, but I don't have a lot of time to find a topic that I'm excited to defend.

Answer 39

It’s a mildly hot summer day and you’re walking outside towards the community center. The closer you get the more kids you can see walking around and talking inside of the building. You open the door and you’re greeted by the sound of laughter and playing. Everywhere you look there are children happily talking to one another and a lot of them are wear swim trunks and flip-flops. A few are even carrying baseball bats and basketballs. You’re proud that the kids in your community rather spend their time participating in healthy exercise instead of playing on all of their fancy gadgets they have nowadays. Unfortunately, this is not the case for my community. In fact, it is the exact opposite. Instead of exercising their heart, kids are exercising their thumbs to play Stick Run, Temple Run, and other games. This can lead to serious problems such as diabetes in childhood. How can we prevent this? We can start by learning how exercise will take part in avoiding diabetes.

An article from mayoclinic.com stated that exercise makes your body release healthy cholesterol called lipoprotein and decreases unhealthy triglyceride (1). This two causes of exercise help keep your blood flowing which lowers your risk of getting cardiovascular diseases such as type 2 diabetes(1).

The second paragraph isn't done just yet



I add a little bit, and changed a little bit so, let me know what you think

Answer 40

I think that since you can't prevent type 1 diabetes, I should probably put type 2 diabetes instead of just 'diabetes' since you can only try to prevent type 2

Answer 41

That's great. As you learn more about it, your paper will only grow stronger. Keep up the good work!

Answer 42

Thank you! :)

Answer 43

I wrote a bit more, and now I'm trying to lead into how kids need an opportunity to get fit.


It’s a mildly hot summer day and you’re walking outside towards the community center. The closer you get the more kids you can see walking around and talking inside of the building. You open the door and you’re greeted by the sound of laughter and playing. Everywhere you look there are children happily talking to one another and a lot of them are wear swim trunks and flip-flops. A few are even carrying baseball bats and basketballs. You’re proud that the kids in your community rather spend their time participating in healthy exercise instead of playing on all of their fancy gadgets they have nowadays. Unfortunately, this is not the case for my community. In fact, it is the exact opposite. Instead of exercising their heart, kids are exercising their thumbs to play Stick Run, Temple Run, and other games. This can lead to serious problems such as type 2 diabetes in childhood. How can we prevent this? We can start by learning how exercise will help avoid children getting type 2 diabetes.

An article from mayoclinic.com stated that exercise makes your body release healthy cholesterol called lipoprotein and decreases unhealthy triglyceride (1). This two causes of exercise help keep your blood flowing and lowers your risk of getting cardiovascular diseases such as type 2 diabetes (1). Did you know that if you’re obese it increases your risk of getting diabetes by 20 to 40 percent more than the average weight person? Exercising regularly will help you get in shape while getting rid of such a high risk of getting cardiovascular diseases. But what happens