What do you guys think of this >Shards of rain sliced my pale face, leaving streaks of blood in their wake. Pain dominated my entire being, even to my very soul. I turned my head. Sean lay face-first on the ground, motionless. Using all the strength I had left, I rolled him over, just to see the bashed in skull and bloodied face of what used to be my best friend… I woke up with a start, and couldn’t help but feel perspiration pulsing out of every pore in my body. A ravenous (or broken) scream erupted from mouth, echoing in my hospital room and down the hall. I kn
thxs! sry it got cut off at the end
it's really good
I like the overall setup, but there are a few spots that could do with some smoothing: -"To my very soul" is a bit cliche, and you might want to change it with something about your core, innards, spine, or something that evokes images of how visceral the pain is. -I'd choose "broken" in that ravenous/broken section. It seems a bit more fitting since the narrator's been through something very traumatic. Hope this helps!
Also, if you want to post the next part (that got cut off), feel free and I'll be more than happy to read that as well.
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