Question

how is my story?

Answer 1

History with Present Time
By Eugenio Viana

Lost and confused, Joan look at her phone. Six a.m. on a Monday morning. The short blonde girl thinks for awhile, it’s the first day of school. She has been anticipating this day for weeks now, and the countdown has been going since then. It’s been awhile since she seen all of her friends. So she gets dressed in the messy room, stumbling over the pile of clothes on the floor. Then she brushes her teeth and goes to the fridge looking for food. I’m not that hungry. She begins to walk out the door, heading to school, a thirty minute walk. Soon about a block away she sees her best friend, Pascal. Pascal is a brown haired boy who never seemed to have it combed down. His tall body allowed him to be in many of the school’s team.
“Umm you look like a mess.” He says jokingly with a smile.
“I feel like a mess, and I also feel I’m missing something.” She replies, still confused. “Perhaps, your backpack maybe, I don’t know but your kind of looking a bit faster without the thing.”
Joan suddenly realized her mistake and ran all the way home and dove for her bag when she saw it. I would have been in so much trouble without this thing, she thought to herself. Then she quickly walked all the way back to her friend, smiles and says “Thanks for the reminder but no need for the insults.” Together they make their way to school talking about their morning.
I hate the first day. She stands in the crowded lines looking for her friend and trying to get her schedule for the day. Luckily she manages to do both. “What classes do you have?” asks one. “I’ve got Math, History, P.E., Art, English, Science, and History.” Joan replies with a chuckle. “You said history twice, nervous?” another friend asked. “No, not at all.” She lied. Then the bell rings scaring them all.
Tough day, just boring introductions. She thought to herself before Pascal came over. It was after school at a fast food restaurant. She was hungry and upset at herself for not having breakfast. Pascal, trying to start a conversation says “Man, that history class is a killer.” Uninterested Joan replies “It looks tough but easy also.” “The teacher seems nice I bet he will be useful when that test come by in the end of the year.” What test? Did I go blank in class? I must of. “The test, I bet I pass it.” She responds nicely. “Well Pascal, I’ve got to get home see you tomorrow okay?” “Yeah see you later, and don’t fall asleep in class again!” then he walks away.
Months in the class seem to go so slowly. Joan got better at history but the first few times in the class, she didn’t want to even step inside the class at all. So time went by and the test came. After spending weeks inside the class, reviewing she started to come to class early and stayed later. The day of the test came and she went in. She came out tired and ready for sleep. Pascal came over to her and asked “How do you think you did? Because I think I did horrible. But I’m just being pessimistic” “I don’t know I guess I can’t want to see,” She said excitedly.

Answer 2

good try

Answer 3

good, but for I'm not hungry, add quotation marks.

Answer 4

Your sentencing is strange. You need to work on your comma placement and you might want to add comma splices in some areas. It would take us too long to go over this paper with you so a good strategy for you to do a quick review would be to either record yourself reading it out loud and make the necessary corrections that you notice, or have a family member or friend proof read it for you. Sometimes if you have THEM read it out loud to you, you can get the idea of how your instructor is going to interpret it. Make copies of the story and pass it out, have the other person read it and when you hear something that doesn't sound right, note that sentence. You will learn from this strategy as well. Good Luck! ~ Melissa Z