Question

How is my poem
Empty
The sun walking out on my life
Leaving my world cold, dark, and grim.
The roses die,
They will never grow again,
For they have left me too.
I feel if I could
I would leave myself,
Like the mother leaving a father.
But I am the balloon,
I will rise only if
The air of hope and joy
Pushes me up.

Answer 1

What kind of a class is this for, out of curiosity?

Frankly, I feel that your poem lacks thematic fluidity. You begin with floral references, and then quickly rush into a balloon comparison.

As a reader, I'm left feeling a bit confused. My first reaction would be something along the lines of "Is it his sole theme that he feels like he must abandon hope until someone brings him hope and joy?"

Answer 2

Well, I liked it. And poems don't have to make sense. Kudos!

Answer 3

Actually, poems have to make logical and inquisitive sense. I like the way you start cause when the sun is gone the roses do not grow, and that makes sense. But, it makes no sense, when you start comparing a mother leaving a father. If you would connect it to the theme of mother earth and father time it would make more sense, cause, you talk about nature in the beginning of your poem. I loved introduction, but work the middle and ending. Great job! :)

Answer 4

It's quite creative but I only think it would be better to write "Like the mother leaving father" without the "a". Not all poems have proper grammar. That's just my opinion.

Answer 5

i didnt want the poem to have a flow to it at all. the solid emotion leads to the branch of the idea like to the ballon. it was written for my creative writing course.but thanks everyone for the little notches that i have to work one!