Question

This is my provision thesis:
Systems should be designed to offer people transitioning out of homelessness a sense of dignity and respect in where they live and how they are treated.

I need some help on revising this thesis statement. Any suggestions?

Answer 1

Your subject of the thesis is vague. What systems will the essay talk about? Transportation systems? Solar systems?

Should be designed is passive voice.

Thesis statements take a particular perspective of an idea. This perspective must perk interest in the reader.

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/545/01/

for more information

Answer 2

a thesis should get to the point immediately, so you could try shortening your thesis to something like "Systems should be designed to offer people transitioning out of homelessness."

:)