Question

Can someone help me with my college essay? It would make me think you're awesome :D

Overexpansion brought forth the collapse of the mighty Roman Empire. The Romans search for perfection ironically ended up being the reason for their demise. If the search for perfection has the ability to topple a formidable opponent such as the Roman Empire; one can only imagine the effect it can have on an individual. When an individual takes on more than they can control, their stature within society will begin to diminish. My personal experiences have caused me to conclude that the thinner you spread you

Answer 1

A couple grammatical things: "The Romans' search"... you need the apostrophe after the "s" on Romans' because it is posessive plural. Seocond, replace your semicolon with a comma. Overall I think your topic is good an you make an interesting point about an individual taking on too much by seeking out perfection.

Answer 2

I think you might need to add a sentance before "When an individual takes on more than they can control, their stature within society will begin to diminish." Your paper would benefit from a connecting-sentance here that would bring the reader to the conclusion that "an individual seeking perfection is not accounting for the fact that certain things are simply out of their control." The part I put in quotes could be a draft for that connecting sentance. Maybe you are already planning to do so, but later in your paper you should describe a SPECIFIC example from your personal life where you sought perfection, did everything "perfectly", but still did not reach the desired outcome due to factors that were outside of your control and/or unforseen circumstances.

Answer 3

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!
Your advice is very helpful!