Question

I wonder if anyone can help me with rephrasing a paragraph. It's not mine, but I am trying to make a point to the one who has written it and show that there are better ways to write the same paragraph.

Answer 1

Here is the paragraph:

“I find problematic, the idea of an essential psyche, autonomous of objectivity: that is, a mind distinct from the objectified subject-- i.e., the egoic existent, the Heideggarian dasein of "being-there". Sartre revised the classic Cogito in his interpretation of the initial "I" as a state of being, a condition, the negative consciousness which is the sole determinant of humanity. Instead, French existentialist theory places a doubling of thought, the reflexive self-awareness of the self as thought, which condition results in the act of being-in-doubt. This annihilative process of Sartre, I think, works better in late modernist theories; also, the rational thought is conditional of all it takes into account-- so that, being depends upon the experiential basis of thought, and the interchangability of an empirical reality with the doubt of such an order of significance: that order which leads from the effect to the generalization of causations.”

Answer 2

For their Idea.... It believe that they tried to use too many "Big Words" if youll pardon my using of a childish term...
"I find the idea of a mind autonomous with objectivity, separate from the objectified subject, so that being must depend upon the interchangeability of certain factors, i.e. empirical reality, here, and the doubt of the order of significance associated with the effects to the generalization of causations"
For their Idea, it has to be expressed that way to sound like them I suppose.

Answer 3

I totally agree with you and that is exactly the point I am trying to make. I believe that something is terribly wrong with that writing style in general. So, the sentences must be cut a lot shorter, the run-on sentences must be separated by proper punctuation and so on.

Answer 4

Yes! Fewer commas. Long, indecipherable sentences don't make you seem smarter, they just make you look like you don't know how to use a period. ;)

Answer 5

The best way to write a paragraph is to present your views more innovatively and as @stormgirl mentioned , there must be small sentences. Long sentences often don't leave nice impressions on the person.

Use your vocabulary , use nice words. Try to frame such sentences that just look realistic.