Question

I need someone to rate this essay out of 6. English is my second language so a few tips on how to improve it further would also help.

Answer 1

The lust for power, money or fame is ingrained in the very nature of human beings so there is no denying the fact that people are driven by these factors rather than by their conscience.
Taking the example of the British Empire, which at one time covered more than half of the globe, the British were expanding their control because they had become greedy for the vast amount of riches that were coming from the annexed lands. They deprived the native people of their rights and took away the agricultural produce and the rare stones in order to satiate their own desires for luxury and absolute autonomy.
One can not forget to mention the Mongols who went all the way from Central Asia to the eastern borders of China, brutally killing innocent people and setting the worst examples of human carnage. Their leaders wanted complete power over the human race so they did not hesitate to raze anything that came in their path.
Looking at a more recent example of the billionaires of the world, who have more wealth than the wealth of all nations combined, their conscience, too, is blinded by the love for wealth. These people have every possible comfort and luxury that anyone can think of while there are thousands of Africans dying of hunger every year. The very strong desire to accumulate more wealth than their contemporaries defers them from spreading it on the less fortunate.
It can therefore be strongly concluded that humans are primarily driven by the factors as fame, wealth and power and conscience is never a motivator for any action that a person undertakes, the very reason being that, the thought of superiority over fellow beings predominates the thought of being compassionate to them inevitably.

Answer 2

The lust for power, money or fame is ingrained in the very nature of human being, so it is hard to admit the fact that people are driven by these factors rather than by their conscience. The British Empire, for example, once colonize more than half of the globe, because they had become greedy for the vast amount of riches that were coming from the annexed lands. They deprived the native people of their rights and took away the agricultural produce and the rare stones, in order to satiate their own desires for luxury and absolute autonomy. Another example are the Mongols who went all the way from Central Asia to the eastern borders of China.They Brutally killed innocent people and are considered to be the worst example of human carnage. Since their leaders wanted complete power over the human race, they did not hesitate to raze anything that came(not sure in this part) in their path. In the present time (or Today) billionaires of the world, who have more wealth than the wealth of all nations combined, is blinded by the love for wealth. These people have every comfort and luxury while thousands of Africans dying of hunger every year. The very strong desire to accumulate more wealth than their contemporaries defers them from spreading it on the less fortunate.
It can therefore be strongly concluded that humans are primarily driven by the factors such as fame, wealth and power. Due to the thought of superiority over fellow beings predominates the thought of being compassionate to them inevitably, conscience, on the other hand, is never a motivator for any action that a person undertakes.
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maybe 4 out of 6. You have a wide range of vocabulary. Improve grammar.
you can check your grammar here:
http://www.grammarly.com/
http://www.paperrater.com/

Answer 3

Thank you, @eLg :)

Answer 4

you're welcome. I am not sure of the grammar though. The only tip is that use one tense in the whole essay or paragraph

Answer 5

Okay. Do you think I need to vary the sentence length as well?

Answer 6

It does not matter as long as the sentence is easily understood.

Answer 7

@Data_LG2

Answer 8

I think you should only use one tense, in your case you started past tense, so you should
use past tense all over your paragraphs..
One could not forget to mention the Mongols who went all the way from Central Asia to the eastern borders of China, brutally killing innocent people and setting the worst examples of human carnage. Their leaders wanted complete power over the human race so they did not hesitate to raze anything that came in their path. Looking at a more recent example of the billionaires of the world, who have more wealth than the wealth of all nations combined, their conscience, too, was blinded by the love for wealth. These people had every possible comfort and luxury that anyone can think of while there are thousands of Africans dying of hunger every year. The very strong desire to accumulate more wealth than their contemporaries defers them from spreading it on the less fortunate. Therefore, it could be strongly concluded that humans are primarily driven by the factors as fame, wealth and power and conscience was never a motivator for any action that a person undertakes, the very reason being that, the thought of superiority over fellow beings predominates the thought of being compassionate to them inevitably.

Answer 9

@Data_LG2 comment and rate

Answer 10

@eLg you already gave him xD, i think that is enough..

Answer 11

@eLg he's not viewing it anymore

Answer 12

@Data_LG2 you have to give him another mark and comment(◕‿◕✿)

Answer 13

just give him some mark (◣◢)

Answer 14

....A

Answer 15

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Answer 16

out of 6

Answer 17

85% ☺

Answer 18

out of 6

Answer 19

@Data_LG2 : Thank you for your feedback. After reading it again, I can see how many times I have changed the tense. I will write another essay tomorrow. btw, how much would you rate it out of 6? :O

Answer 20

as @eLg said, as an ESL student you have a strong vocabulary strength, like me sometimes I also made mistake with the grammar so I will give you 5.5 out of 6..
Tips:
when writing an essay you need to follow this structure:
http://www.mhkcreations.net/KVCC/writing/resources/essay-pyramid.jpg

Answer 21

Okay. Thank you for all the tips. Really appreciate it! :)

Answer 22

I understand:)