can someone revise and help me improve my common app essay?

Question

anonymous · Answer

I was born to two loving parents who worked on a small farm in an even smaller village. My parents were not ignorant to the struggles of life and  therefore knew that staying in Poland would not lead to the brightest future for our large family. They dreamed of giving us more. One day, they saved up enough courage to submit an application for the green card lottery, the winning application. I can still remember the day my dad burst through the door with the news.
            Arriving in America was the best, but without a doubt, scariest experience of my life. My parents, myself, and all seven of my siblings crowded into an old rickety apartment in Passaic, New Jersey. It is not easy to leave everything behind and come into a new country where everyone speaks funny. My siblings and I enrolled in the public school system and gave it our all,  I recall being incredibly frustrated with pronouncing cinnamon, and the feeling of pride when I succeeded.  For countless hours my parents worked at menial jobs for mediocre wages to support us. On occasion, we even had to steal clothes to get by. Knowing it was wrong, I told myself that one day I would make up for what we did.
            As time went on, my parent’s jobs began paying more. We stopped stealing and moved from that shabby, cramped apartment into a suburban Garfield. After saving an incredible amount of money we were able to relocate into the upper middle-class suburb of North Haledon, which we live in today. Inspired by all that my parents have sacrificed to give their children, I intend to become a first generation college student who overcame adversity and pursued the American Dream.

anonymous · Answer

It's pretty good, just make sure that you are keeping a formal tone throughout the entire essay. For example, instead of saying 'where everyone speaks funny', you could say where people speak differently than you are used to, or where the language spoken is strange to you.

anonymous · Answer

basically avoid humor?

anonymous · Answer

In a way, yes. It is important to try to keep the tone of the essay the same.

anonymous · Answer

alright, thanks for the feedback, ill make the changes.

anonymous · Answer

You're welcome