Question

I seem to have a problem with this paragraph. After reading it, there is a lot of pronoun confusion and some run-on sentences. Can someone help me edit it? @confluxepic @SoccerChick101

Answer 1

Here is the paragraph:

He seemed particularly determined to antagonize everyone near him, including his own sister, who was walking home as well. All of the sudden, the boy makes another comment to my brother, and he stops; just stops. He stood there in the street, staring at the boy. “Say it again!” He shouted in a threatening voice. I was startled at my brother’s sudden outburst of anger. The boy chuckled and said what he had said before, but in a much more sarcastic tone. He started laughing, he turned his back and began to walk away. Next thing I knew, I saw my brother run, grab the boy, and throw him to the ground. All I could see was my brother on top of him, his arms flailing in such an odd fashion. one I had never seen before.

Answer 2

Ok.

Answer 3

idk why those question marks keep showing up...

Answer 4

It happens when you copy and paste something. Just refresh your page.

Answer 5

okay, thank you

Answer 6

The first "he" is referring to the bully, named Jack. and the victim is my brother, Brian. My teach said to use their names so it doesn't sound repetitive

Answer 7

The bully seemed particularly determined to antagonize everyone near him, including his own sister, who was walking home as well. All of the sudden, the bully makes another comment to my brother which makes my brother stop. My brother stood there in the street, staring at the boy. “Say it again!” He shouted in a threatening voice. I was startled at my brother’s sudden outburst of anger. The bully chuckled and said what he had said before, but in a much more sarcastic tone. He started laughing, he turned his back and began to walk away. Next thing I knew, I saw my brother run, grab the boy, and throw him to the ground. All I could see was my brother on top of him, his arms flailing in such an odd fashion.

Answer 8

I edited the boy to the bully. It is much easier to understand who is who.

Answer 9

I'm working on it right now, just need a little longer

Answer 10

Ok.

Answer 11

Then one day, as if it were any other day, I was once again walking home with Brian. Jack was still being a pest, he seemed particularly determined to antagonize everyone near him. All of the sudden, Jack made another comment, and Brian stopped; just stopped. He stood there in the street, staring at Jack. “Say it again!” Brian shouted in a threatening voice. I was startled at my brother’s sudden outburst of anger. Jack chuckled and repeated the same comment, but in a much more sarcastic tone. Jack started laughing, he turned his back and began to walk away. Next thing I knew, I saw my Brian run, grab Jack, and throw him to the ground. All I could see was Brian top of him, his arms flailing in an odd, aggressive fashion, one I had never seen before.

Answer 12

Honestly, overall, this is well written. There are a few common mistakes, but I edited them for you:

Brian seemed particularly determined to antagonize everyone near him, including me, his own sister. All of a sudden, Jack directed another comment towards us, causing my brother to stop; just stop. Brian just stood there in the street, staring at Jack. "Say it again!" Brian shouted in a threatening voice. I was startled at my brothers sudden outburst of anger. Jack chuckled and repeated what he had said before, but in a much more sarcastic tone. He began to laugh as he turned his back and began to walk away. The next thing I knew, my brother ran towards Jack, pulled him by his shirt, and threw him to the ground. All I could see was my brother on top of him, his arms flailing in such an odd fashion; one I had never seen before.

Answer 13

That's what I got. Do you want me to explain my revisions?

Answer 14

What you have is good, but it's in the wrong context. Brian wasn't the antagonist

Answer 15

Wait.. So I switched the names? Its would be a lot easier to revise if I had some context... I just changed the words "boy" to Jack, And "brother" to Brian. So essentially, you were the one who made your brother the antagonist. And just because he ends up fighting with Jack doesnt make him the antagonist.

Answer 16

Did I switch the names or something?

Answer 17

Just is the first sentences. Brian wasn't the one who was determined to antagonize everyone. I know it's hard, I'm just having trouble giving you the proper context

Answer 18

Here is what I have again:

Then one day, as if it were any other day, I was once again walking home with Brian. Jack was still being a pest, and he seemed particularly determined to antagonize everyone near him. All of the sudden, Jack directed another comment towards us, and Brian stopped; just stopped. He stood there in the street, staring at Jack. “Say it again!” Brian shouted in a threatening voice. I was startled at my brother’s sudden outburst of anger. Jack chuckled and repeated the same comment, but in a much more sarcastic tone. Jack started laughing, he turned his back and began to walk away. Next thing I knew, I saw Brian run, grab Jack, and throw him to the ground. All I could see was Brian top of him, his arms flailing in an odd, aggressive fashion, one I had never seen before.

Answer 19

Oh.. I am so sorry, I read that wrong at first. Ok I'll fix that:

Jack seemed particularly determined to antagonize everyone near him, including me. All of a sudden, Jack directed another comment towards us, causing my brother to stop; just stop. Brian just stood there in the street, staring at Jack. "Say it again!" Brian shouted in a threatening voice. I was startled at my brothers sudden outburst of anger. Jack chuckled and repeated what he had said before, but in a much more sarcastic tone. He began to laugh as he turned his back and began to walk away. The next thing I knew, my brother ran towards Jack, pulled him by his shirt, and threw him to the ground. All I could see was my brother on top of him, his arms flailing in such an odd fashion; one I had never seen before.

Answer 20

Is that ok?

Do you have a whole story? Or do you just have to write a paragraph?

Answer 21

I have a whole story, I just thought I might be overwhelming to post the whole thing

Answer 22

And yes, that is good. I'm going to kind of merge some things together

Answer 23

Ok. I'd be willing to read the whole story if you want. It sounds interesting

Answer 24

Yeah. Me too.

Answer 25

I'll send it to you, only because I don't like publicly posting entire essays.

Answer 26

Ok.

Answer 27

Oh right ok. How?

Answer 28

Through openstudy. I just sent it

Answer 29

Did you send me it.

Answer 30

Sorry, just did

Answer 31

Ok.

Answer 32

I changed my thesis so it's parallel to my conclusion:

By explaining what happened before, during, and after the event took place, one can discern how quickly someone can go from being a victim, to being a bully.