Question

Can somebody read this? I feel as if the flow is a little rough and the plot itself is odd. (Only the first part; story not finished)

Answer 1

A brunette braid swung from one shoulder to the other as Marie evaded bullets whirring above her. Her and a small group of her men from base were stranded outside a warehouse they'd looted, stuck huddled behind a toppled semi as an armed group of rogues, outnumbering them, continously riddled the metal with bullets. Rogues were the lost souls of the corrupted society, relying solely their wits and thievery to survive. After the silent dismemberment of the perviously-precautious government, a venal power-hungry militia camp calling themselves 'timekeepers' took a vicious grip on the country's people. Shouts echoed back and forth on Marie's side, trying to plan their way out of the skirmish. Neon, a man with messy blonde hair and blue eyes (not to mention he'd immediately labeled himself Marie's bodyguard), grew bored of cowering, just as fast as his ego grew each day. He stood and swung his rifle to rest on the semi, but was too slow to pull the trigger as a bullet tore a sting in his shoulder, causing him to pull himself back to the ground in a hurry with a howl.

"What were you thinking!?" Marie scolded, her eyes wide at him as he pressed his back up against the bottom of the semi, teeth clenched. He was one to overreact; it was a graze at most. David, another one of Marie's 'guards', (though he had enough sense to get proper training,) wriggled his brown-eyed, fuzzy brown-haired self forward to Neon's aid with a bundle of bandaging in-hand.

"It'd be ideal to get guns around their back, but we'll be seen."

"We can wait it out--"

"We're all damned!" The three argued, their ears ringing from the seemingly endless shower of brass. Some more of Marie's men ducked at the semi's hood, getting shots in when they could, though it didn't seem make a difference. A moment of silence befell the three. The group was startled as one of the opposing group's wailing men was instantaneously hurled over the semi at their end, hurtling into a pile of trash behind them. Bullets seized pummeling the semi as bellows emanated from the opposing members. Guns unloaded into the air as they shrieked. They sounded like they were being attacked by some kind of entity in unison.

"What the hell!?" David shouted, before the three, much like frightened meerkats, turned and peered over the side of the semi. Another rogue was thrown against the truck, disappearing from their range of vision as he slammed against the metal and to the ground. They recovered and looked back up, and much to their surprise, saw a single body challenging the rogues head-on. They couldn't identify whatever it was. The blades it swung threw smoke, flames licking at the blades themselves. The smoke shrouded the source, making it difficult for the rogues to aim precisely. It had to have been...a man...Marie figured, seeing that the stature was masculine as he landed on the ground in a plume of rising dust before taking to the air again. In a spin he let go of the blades, sending them into the chests of the last two men standing. They fell to the ground, the swords protruding from their bodies lost their flame, and the entire blade seemed to vanish as the handles fell from their place, and onto the ground. It was over. Dust settled, as did a deadly silence. Marie and her group slowly stood, completely unscathed. They coughed and waved dust from their faces, and looked up to see a man who appeared close in age. Of course, that would have been the case anyways, after the timekeepers genetically modified late-teens and young adults (18-24) in an airborne technological virus; one which succeeded slowing inevitable aging to a halt. Which means the adults that exceeded the age for being experimentees have long since passed, while those who've been mutated remained the same age. A slim but muscular built male, with a forward posture and his hands in his pockets stood atop the overturned semi now, looking down at the shaken group with sharp, brightly colored turquoise eyes. Marie and her men stared back in bewilderment. After a moment he smiled, quite disarmingly, leaning down and offering Marie, who'd he'd assumed to be the head of the group with her confident appearance, a hand in greetings.

"Hello," He said, nonchalantly. His voice stung the ears as much too deep for his smooth face, appealing details etched with dirt. He looked closer to 18 or 19, but stood around 6"3. "I'm Lane." A smirk curled the corners of his mouth. Marie caught herself in a mindless before shaking her head back into reality, and raised her arm to greet him, but David shoved Lane's hand down with the end of his rifle before wingspaning it at his head. Lane's eyes widened a little as he withdrew his hand, smiling and humbly placing his hand against his shirt's chest, which was battered, a little big, and hung on his shoulders.

"I understand wh--"

"What are you?" David interrupted his explanation, a few of the other men gathering nearby to get a closer look at the lengthy, but strangely attractive specimen before them.

"We're in a future where we defy age, and you're unnerved by a little smoke?" Lane remarks, his brow wingspaned a bit. He lowered to a squat as the conversation carried, balancing flawlessly on the balls of worn-out Vans.

"There were at least 20 men and it's been about 2 minutes. That's the sketchy part." Neon barks, Lane responding with a chortle.

"What? I got bored, made these, and practiced a little." Lane explained. He jumped from the semi and retrieved the inexplicable handles from the dirt, latching them onto a pair of emtpy katana saya on his back. As he walked back the men collectively trained their rifles on him, their eyes wide with distrust.

"Why did you save us?" Marie finally asserted, the hysteria of the event sinking in. Lane paused for a moment at the mens' gunpoint, his glance finally locking with hers.

"Those were Thatch's men. I obviously would have chosen any group they pinned down over them; they've been picking off my family since the beginning."

Answer 2

(And as I'd mentioned before, this is only the beginning of my story. But I feel that I need a different approach to it; it looks to broken up between the story and background information. Help?)