Question

My story ok? help me revise~

Answer 1

On a peaceful spring day, the wind blew cheerfully around us, and the grass rippled like waves crashing into their first glance of brown sand. I wandered around my flower garden and stared in awe at the luxurious sights that was beholded. “Oh how I wish I was a human!” I cried in my mind! My name is Rumplutusky, a Persian cat that came from I-don’t-know-where. My fur is white with streaks of pale gray, and for some strange reason, I live in a jeweled palace with royal servants doing everything I wished for. My owner, which is most likely the queen, treasures me with an immense amount of love and gentleness. The king died of a terrible disease that spread around the outside world, and left the saddened queen in an eternal sleep. He was buried with most of his beloved riches and his favorite gold scepter. I saw him getting buried, and his glossy coffin slowly getting covered in fresh soil. Everyday, I would think of a memory about him, while her royal highness pets me lovingly, tenderly. With her highness, I felt joyful and loved all the time.
One day, I was filled with curiosity, and decided to venture outside of the enormous palace walls. When the queen was fast asleep, I stealthily crept out our gigantic jewel-encrusted door. I had never been outside before, and it was my first time. When I took my first step outside the door, a cold wind greeted me with a thick feeling of drowsiness. I literally dropped onto the marble floor with a huge longing to head back to my plush bed filled with feathers. Gradually, I got used to it, and my hind feet stopped staggering. I was up to my stomach in sleepiness, and realized that there were glowing flowers in the night. The flowers were way ahead, buried in the trees, but still visible with their beautiful glow. My eyes lit up with amazement as I ran towards them with full speed, clawing up one of the trees. Resting on a branch, I stared at the phosphorus like flower. I was mesmerized, and my eyes glowed with happiness.
Suddenly, I spotted a trail of sparkles that led to every flower on the trees. My cat instincts told me to pounce and follow the glittering trail. “Should I…?” I wondered “YES!!” my inner self said. Without hesitation, I joyfully trotted next to the trail of sparkles, and they led miraculously into the forest. In the next few minutes, I realized I was completely lost. My fur rose up, and my tail swished fearfully. A man came out of the darkness and he smiled at me evilly. I was frozen in fear, and didn’t move an inch. A net was thrown over me, and I was bundled up in a rough piece of cloth. Unexpectedly, he told me what I feared the most. I was hunted from every single person on Earth. “What?? This is unbelievable. NOOOO…. why? Why do I have to be the one hunted??” I wailed in my mind.
All at once, the terrible truth sprouted in my head. “ Am I ….. magi-” “Boo Hoo Hoo little darling, you are now mine. I shall have whatever wish I need now!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!” boomed the cruel man. He erupted into a large series of laughs, and I curled up in rage. Unsheathing my claws, I tore through the net and lunged at the man. Surprised at my attack, he had a bewildered look on his face. I raked my sharp claws across his face, and left him blinded with blood and fury. “Serves him right!!” I sobbed. Dashing into the cover of a hollow log, I crumpled onto the smooth wood. Light seeped out of my vision, and darkness enclosed around me. The next thing I knew was that I was fast asleep, safe and sound with no further bother. Nothing had mattered then… nothing at all.

Answer 2

don't mind the question marks, they don't mean anything, please help revise!!

Answer 3

@LeeEtchison

Answer 4

It's really good! :D
Maybe break it up into more paragraphs, though.

Answer 5

ok! thx!!

Answer 6

Yes, more paragraphs! Amazing detail as well =)

YOu also need to check up on some punctuation and capitalization

Answer 7

lol thx anyway!

Answer 8

I agree with the two above me! I have to say, it was awesome!

Answer 9

I hope you plan to continue it, maybe on wattpad.com?

Answer 10

Beholded is not a word
I would transition from the color of fur to I live in a palace a little differently. I feel like your trying to force it in. Take your time theres no rush. Finish one thought then go to the next, and you could prob add in a little voice if u gave the two thoughts a little separation. Like saying something like its hard living in a palce where everyone always does everything u say. Or something with like a little humor. (just a thought) but I really would separate the two no matter what.
This is just an idea but when u r talking about the owner being a queen maybe taking a little longer like he’s thinking and assuming but has no clue because its really just a guess. “My owner, which issss… most likely… the queen? Yea the queen. Anyways she treasures me with an immense amount of love and gentleness.” (this is just an idea)
Okay so question is like everybody in the outside world have this disease now? Because that’s what it sounds like? Idk wasn’t quite sure
Okay another thing. “Every day, I would think of a memory about him, while her royal highness pets me lovingly, tenderly. With her highness, I felt joyful and loved all the time.” This doesn’t quite make sense to me because how is the queen petting u when I thought she was in a deep sleep? It doesn’t quite make sense u need to either reword it or explain it better.
The second paragraph I wouldn’t begin with one day. Its not a very strong thing to put. One day is like a transition phrase which is okay when youre writing an essay for school but for a story try connecting the paragraphs in other ways.
Go into more detail about why he got tired when he open the door. Like was there something outside that makes u tired or what. I just don’t understand.
Theres some spacing u have to fix but that’s easy and every day is 2 words

So I really did like this story the biggest thing is you need to take more time to explain things to the reader. Like I’m literally so confused. I’m assuming why he’s so special will be explained later? Anyways you have an amzing voice like its incredible. Just take your time and explain things more. I do the same thing as you so I normally write a story like this and use it as my outline. Then I go back and turn it into an incredible story with some more detail. Also I would love to hear more about the palace setting other then just gem and jewels explain them to me put me in awe!!! This has such amazing potential and I loved it!!!!

Answer 11

thanks!!!

Answer 12

I love this! It's so great! I love the ending! I might describe the night/flowers/forest more.

Answer 13

XD THANKS TOO!!

Answer 14

Oh wow. Amazing work. So many inspiring people on here. Just makes me wanna start writing! :P

Answer 15

XD THANKS THREE!!

Answer 16

Lol, you're welcome!

Answer 17

and u could start writing too!!!!! XD

Answer 18

I will, trust me! xD

Answer 19

kk! tell me when u do!!

Answer 20

nice story :DDD

My suggestion besides the other suggestions is to make your transitions smoother by giving more details about the setting. Like for example, at the part when the cat saw the glowing flowers after it fainted onto the marble floor, which I assume is part of the palace, then it runs toward the flowers (forest)... the transition is too fast I think. lol idk maybe it's just me :P

I'm not sure maybe it's because of the paragraph formatting, but anyway it's great!!
my favorite part is when the cat attacked the hunter (maybe you can describe more the action part! that would be exciting hehe! )

Answer 21

kkk!

Answer 22

I agree with @Data_LG2

Answer 23

"On a peaceful spring day, the wind blew cheerfully around us, and the grass rippled like waves crashing into their first glance of brown sand."

Answer 24

giving wind an emotion "cheerfully" I'd suggest an different approach. Like, "the wend blew a warming breeze around us." @saisuke<3

Answer 25

kk i'll revise it !! thx four!!!

Answer 26

cool dear
we learn step by step
c the negatives
improve them
this is all about life
we never know the next
just step in to be the best!!!!
@Saisuke<3