Question

How is my essay in the comments?

Answer 1

@Tjbrew @hartnn @Love_Ranaa @bohotness @Reptile_Girl777

Answer 2

I made some changes it is shorter but the changes improved it

Answer 3

are you writing a book?

Answer 4

a short story

Answer 5

an essay for school

Answer 6

oh, its good, different but good

Answer 7

thanks... i guess...

LOL

Answer 8

@Reptile_Girl777 what is "different" about it?

Answer 9

I see your changes...much better!! :) one question I have is you add ..."old retired army general named Victor Steelreaper" but you never introduced him, so where did he come from? Was he apart of Mad Dowg's team originally? Did he join the team later...explain that.

Answer 10

ok so should i name his team or what... i kind of meant that to be his introduction

Answer 11

okay before you read this i just want to let you know that you are a very good writer. These arre just some critics to make it better. Do not let this discourage but rather inspire!

Okay the second sentence is a little awkward. I would separate it into two different points.
This planet (that sentence is a little awkward and I think a runnon. Please rephrase.)
Take your time. I feel like youre so excited about putting your ideas on paper that youre rushing through and jumping around too much. Assume your audience is clueless
I like how you describe how the planet looked five hundred yrs ago.
When you say life would not be possible on that planet. You need to specify. Meaning I have no idea if five hundred yrs ago it wasn’t inhabitable and it is now or if that’s just something you thought by the way it looked.
I need more description on what the planet looks like? What color is it? Is it big? Same thing with the ship.
I have no idea who captain bones and mad dawg are


Okay so you have a really good idea I can see that and you do have talent as a writer. Your biggest problem is that you jump around way too much. Take your time. I would reread it and fill in the holes.

Answer 12

ok thanks

Answer 13

i see your point

Answer 14

@Blopez02 okay good. I really hope this helps and i only notice these things because i use to do the same things all the time. just take a breath and close your eyes for second. Imagine that youre there and think about all the details around you. Color, smells, textures, temperature. Everything you see or hear. Thats what helps me at least we all find little tricks

Answer 15

“You all are doing a great service to your country and the world.” Said the president on the day before we left for space. That was almost five hundred years ago. We just came out of hibernation as we reached the planet Danope. Our mission is to create a colony on Danope. This planet is going to be the first to be able to let life thrive without a biosphere because it is the first planet, other than our own earth, that has an atmosphere. Danope according to pictures was very much like our earth. It had a vas ocean made of liquid water, and plants, plants actually grew without a biosphere. The animals that it had were amazing there were Gorgangane an egg-laying Cyclopes who are governed by a religious hierarchy. While mating, a breeding pair literally become joined at the hip for several days. There were also Sonzarians a race of marine animals with three nostrils. They have very little agriculture and prefer their food to grow wild. The planet was beautiful.

Here is my updated first paragraph
@ispike @Tjbrew

Answer 16

ispike is right...you have to remember that the reader only gets what you write, so you have to be very detailed in your descriptions and in your story. You have to explain everything otherwise the reader cant connect the dots...like army general named Victor Steelreaper...whee did he come from, and if he is retired why is he on the team...etc... see, you have to explain that kind of stuff in your writing otherwise your reader becomes confused because the person just can't appear from thin air. There has to be lead up to his entrance into the story. You could even say something like one of Maddawg's Generals, Victor Steelreaper returned to the ship frantically screaming...Now we know who he is...but I would get rid of the "retired" part because if he was retired, he probably wouldn't be on the trip. Unless he was an adviser, but then you would have to explain why they needed an adviser and what Victor Steelreaper's specialty was that he was advising Cpt Bones and Mad Dawg on. @Blopez02

Answer 17

misspelled "vas" in this sentence - It had a vas ocean... should be - It had a vast ocean

Answer 18

There are some punctuation errors and run-on sentences. this needs to be fixed: Danope according to pictures was very much like our earth. It had a vast ocean made of liquid water, and plants, plants actually grew without a biosphere. maybe like this, Danope according to pictures was very much like our earth. It had a vas ocean made of liquid water and plants. Plants actually grew without a biosphere because... you have to explain why and how.
The animals that it had were amazing! There were Gorgangane, an egg-laying Cyclopes who are governed by a religious hierarchy. Can you explain this a bit...why was it important for your reader to know that they were governed by a religious hierarchy? Why should your reader be interested in that. @Blopez02

Answer 19

i guess it ain't important but i was like giving some background on the species

Answer 20

@ispike what do you think?

Answer 21

its a lot better but as all writers know you will have hundreds of rough drafts until you have your final.

Okay so I still think the second sentence should be separated into two different parts or sentences or whatever. Like hibernation that’s very interesting but you need to explain because typically you humans don’t hibernate. So I really need that explained. But it does grab my attention.
“This planet is going to be the first to be able to let life thrive without a biosphere because it is the first planet, other than our own earth, that has an atmosphere.” This sentence has some awkward wording. Specifically in this part. “is going to be the first to be able” I think its because you have to be and to be right next to each other. Also you need to change because into the word since. Because doesn’t make sense but the word since does.
“Danope according to pictures was very much like our earth.” This sentence also needs some work. So you could try “Danope, according to pictures was very much like Earth.” Or “According to pictures Danope is very similar to Earth.” Now you can keep our Earth but it seems repetitive and unnecessary since you already said it. And when I talk about Earth I don’t say our I just say Earth.
Now the next line I assume youre talking about Danope but you need to state that. Because for all I know youre talking about earth.
You don’t need to say liquid water of course u can if you really want but when u say water I think anyone will assume that its liquid
“It had a vas ocean made of liquid water, and plants, plants actually grew without a biosphere.” This needs to be split into two. So instead write “It had a vas ocean made of liquid water, and plants. Believe it or not plants actually grew without a biosphere.” Or you could try “It had a vas ocean made of liquid water, and plants; plants actually grew without a biosphere.”
Also im getting confused are you talking in past tense or present tense because you’re using some words like had rather than has and theres a few other places like that.
“The animals that it had were amazing. There were Gorgangane, an egg-laying Cyclopes who are governed by a religious hierarchy.”