Question

I'm writing a short story. Could someone look over the first chapter for me? I need honest and constructive criticism.

Answer 1

yea sure of course

Answer 2

Let me know what you think so far. I want to get some feed back before i continue

Answer 3

The major errors I see are with capitalization and comma placement (and those aren't major errors). I like the story idea, so, if you continue it, please add a like so I can continue.

My personal nitpicking dictates that I say something else. Please vary your sentence structure a little bit more. I'm reading, and it says "I fell" "I flew" etc, throughout the whole thing. So, if you could change up the order of the sentence, like "pinned to my bed by a sixty-two pound dog, my feels squished" or something like that.

That's just a suggestion. It's your story, and you can do whatever you want with it.

Good luck :)

Answer 4

Don’t forget to spell check and check the grammar haven’t even read it yet but I’m using word and its underlining a bunch of things that r easily fixed with the click of a button.

A personal preference of mine is when writers begin with a monologue and creep into reality. I think that could be very powerful

Be wary of run-on’s

“I turn my head to my left to look behind me.” This is a little wordy. You need to reword it. It seems wordy because you have 2 to’s next to eachother. You need to get rid of one.


Don’t forget to capitalize states

It seems like your biggest problem is grammar. Your voice is incredible. And when I first started reading it I was like why is she jumping in this fast. But you weren’t. It was a dream and I really liked that. I still think you should begin with a monologue of some sort I think it could make it a lot more powerful.

Answer 5

thank you for all the help. I completely agree. I'm usually very nit picky with my writing so i couldn't tell if it was just me or not. I don't want it to be overly complicated and appreciate everything. :)

Answer 6

here are the changes I just made.

Answer 7

nice I like it the changes did good to the story

Answer 8

thanks

Answer 9

The story itself seems excellent, but you have a few grammatical and spelling errors that you should consider fixing. :3

A big grammar no-no is "Bree!!!"; using three exclamation points expresses emotion, but use one exclamation mark and put it in italics instead. Just as much emotion but expressed correctly grammar-wise. :)

Answer 10

Why is everyone a better writer than me?!? It is a great story I have a husky only she is a female with the name Saphira! :)

Answer 11

thanks madison. i wondered about that myself. and little_rebel, it took me a while and practice and im still not that good. as for your husky i really do have a husky named max but he is more passive than max in the story lol. :)

Answer 12

This is the new edition to my story.