Question

I need help writing this I just started it... Please help.

Answer 1

I survived

Katie is silently crying. Katie and I, Melanie watched my friend die. We didn’t do a thing, Astrid is dead. The blonde, blue eyed, thin, tall, gorgeous 15 yr. old, died, she is dead. She was shot. I am silently screaming, I opened my mouth to say something, anything but I couldn’t say anything, I couldn’t move. I stood there staring at what used to be my friend. Astrid, she’s gone and I can’t do anything about it.

Answer 2

@january123 @waffle_wolf @JackofallTradez @TwilightRain1

Answer 3

Yes I chose the people who will probably lie and say it is good... but I chose lily too.

Answer 4

@HazelLuv99

Answer 5

it's pretty good so far

Answer 6

^

Answer 7

Thank you :)

Answer 8

ur welcomes :)

Answer 9

*thumbs up* LOL GJ

Answer 10

Other than some minor transition and grammar issues, I enjoy this passage. The raw emotion portrayed in this short passage is astonishing.

Answer 11

Thank you. :) I liked your poem on allpoetrty. :P

Answer 12

Thank you :)

Answer 13

@nincompoop @TheBliZzard1610 @TheRaggedyDoctor

Answer 14

@iYuko

Answer 15

Sounds like death

Answer 16

Name it death

Answer 17

Lol^

Answer 18

@iYuko LOL That would be a good idea

Answer 19

@ElisaNeedsHelp

Answer 20

@Squirrels

Answer 21

dude. thats so good.

Answer 22

Thank :)

Answer 23

That IS good :o write more!

Answer 24

:P I am on chapter three XD

Answer 25

I wunna see xD

Answer 26

OK hold on 1 sec

Answer 27

Chapter two, who killed her
Katie and I refused to the police, we didn’t trust them. We don’t trust anyone. “How can we trust you? Just because you’re job is being a cop? For all we know you were the murder.” I let the tears go. All my strength disappeared into thin air. I need fresh air I told myself. I stood up and paused when I got to the door. I took a deep breath and looked the cop in the eye, “I still hear her. Her laughing, I watched her as he pulled out his gun and he shot her. The bullet went through her head. She fell to the floor there was nothing but blood and her dead body.” I choked on my breath, so I ran out the door. I had to get away from here, I need to leave. I want to go somewhere, anywhere. I sat on the bench where Astrid and I carved our names into the wood. I smiled, I was always the rebel. I wondered who killed her.

Answer 28

Here you go XD I suck at details

Answer 29

Nooope. The detail is good.

Answer 30

LOL I was writing about werewolves before I gave up so now I am writing mysteries

Answer 31

xD Well, not bad. I like it so far.

Answer 32

@jcbako

Answer 33

Thx I am glad you weren't suffering from reading it XD

Answer 34

@abb0t

Answer 35

@UnkleRhaukus

Answer 36

First, you are a good writer — this is a well written article.

On particulars
_____

The sentence
`Katie and I, Melanie watched my friend die.`
is hard to read first try,

perhaps revise to:
`Katie and I; Melanie, watched my friend die.`
(i think this is what you mean)
_____

The sentence
`She fell to the floor there was nothing but blood and her dead body.`
needs some kinda pause in there;
perhaps:
`She fell to the floor — there was nothing but blood and her dead body.`
or (depending on where you intend the emphasis to lie)
`She fell to the floor — there was nothing but blood, and her dead body.`

Answer 37

Okey Dokie I will use that good piece of advice

Answer 38

I will also suggest, that because it is a short piece,

Maybe you change the chapters titles, from: (e.g.)
`Chapter two, who killed her`
to simply
` 2. Who Killed Her?`
or
` TWO — Who Killed Her?`
(something like that)

Answer 39

Hmm I haven't thought of that Good idea

Answer 40

Also, i think a word or two, is missing from the first sentence of chapter 2.

Answer 41

It's good so far hon! I like it but it sound like death

Answer 42

@fallenangelorchid Hope ya like it

Answer 43

@leahhhmorgannn

Answer 44

I think you use a little more imagery, and try to put her thoughts into her perspective. Put the reader in suspense. For example:

As I was exiting the room, I stared intently at the officer, a mixture of rage and depression flowing throughout my entire body. "I watched her die, right in front of me." I started to choke up, tears slowly trickling down my cheeks. "He shot her. Right in front of me. I have nightmares about that night. Her laughter, her cries. Sometimes I see her, the hole in her head, asking me why I didn't try to save her." My emotions compromised me, and I couldn't stay in that room any longer. I rush out of the room, out of the police station. I urn all the way to the park where Astrid and I played together when we were little. I sat on the bench we had carved our names onto. As I sit there, recovering from my emotional breakdown, I wonder to myself "Who was the sick bastard that found pleasure in murdering an innocent girl?'

The use of imagery, as well as the way you describe her thoughts and dialogue, can change a readers mood from "I don't want to read this crap!" to "This is amazing!" or "What happens next? I wanna know!" The little things can determine whether a book is a page turner, or a dust collector.

Answer 45

Good Idea.................. You write?!?

Answer 46

@Niguyver @nincompoop

Answer 47

I do... horror, in fact. I base my writing style off of Stephen King... The mastermind of horror. So I can absolutely help you with your writing ^.^

Answer 48

If you wanna see the kind of horror I write, I just put up a question that has a book that I'm writing

Answer 49

Ya could of tagged @non_girly_girl (my other account) for me :'(