Question

Something i wrote, feedback please?

Answer 1

Standing in shadows I see tears you hide
I can see all the pain weighting you down
I can see you giving up though you tried
I see the demons you try to keep out
I notice the sleeves hiding your bare skin
I know about the scars that trace your veins
I still see the darkness pulling you in
I cant stand to watch you still play this game

I’m here for you until the very end
I see you fall into your depression
I try to guide you on another road
But your past gets in the way so you wont
Its pretty frustrating but I have hope
Promise you love me and you wont let go
You really gotta let all this stuff go
You are the one hurting yourself the most
Depressions not some kind of game to play
You really shouldn’t throw your life away
You really cant fix this in your own way
The blades and popping pills are not okay
How can you let yourself just fade away
And tell yourself that your fine and okay
Don’t take this lightly it wont fade away
So take my hand let me show you the light
Ill show you the right way to make this right
You will be on top of the world instead
Youll no longer carry burdens you dread
Youll no longer push everyone away
Ill then go to sleep knowing your okay
I miss that genuine smile on your face
So please take my hand and ill lead the way

Answer 2

This is a beautiful poem. The message it shares is gorgeous and great, but it is written and hidden so beautifully among the words.

From a grammar critic aspect, there's a lot of apostrophes missing and there's some improper usage of you're and your.

Otherwise, great job.

Answer 3

thank you so much <3 and yeah i know. i just wrote it in like minutes and didn't think twice about fixing it up a bit.

Answer 4

@CallMeKiki @Tazmaniadevil @sammixboo @TylerMJ325
(Srry 4 tagging)

Answer 5

@JackofallTradez

Answer 6

This is amazing! <3 <3 <3

Answer 7

Ehh, its okay and could probably be better, but thanks :D

Answer 8

amazing job!!!!

Answer 9

Its really amazing, but if you want it to be even better I'll give you some suggestions...

Answer 10

Where it says,"But your past gets in the way so you wont", just put "But your past gets in the way"

Answer 11

lol yeah, I was messing with it and I tried to have 10 syllables in each line

Answer 12

"You really can't fix this in your own way" for "You can't fix this your own way"

Answer 13

:D

Answer 14

Don't stress girl! ;)

Answer 15

Thanks, I appreciate it. ^-^

Answer 16

Jur velcom...

Answer 17

Duct taping shut the mouth of my Grammar Nazi side, I really like this. Instead of writing about how you hurt, like a lot of poetry I have read recently (English Lit is depressing stuff), you write about trying to help someone through it, which I think is really great. I also like that you kind of used a somewhat formal structure on your poem, something that I generally abandon because I'm lazy, which adds a definite style to it. Overall, I think that, with some itty-bitty tweaks, you've written something wonderful.

Answer 18

Thanks, and yeah, I wrote this in minutes and forgot to fix things like punctuation. Sorry about that. ^-^