Question

Can someone please proofread my essay?

Thank you!

Answer 1

It looks good to me :) Good job on it.

Answer 2

xxDragon do you still want people to proof read? I can but idk if you've already turned it in :P

Answer 3

hrmm there's a few gramatical mistakes. I downloaded your document and a going to make changes in a different color so you know where I changed it :)

Answer 4

That would be great haven't handed it in yet.

Answer 5

hey im still editing it. These are the first paragraphs edits.


Is the first part, part of your essay? If it is there’s a lot more I have to say.
First thing, don’t start with first. Ever. The first paragraph doesn’t typically need a transition word. It needs a hook. A hook is something that draws the audience’s attention. Personally, I like to put the audience into the story in order to prove my point. Some people use onamonapia, however onmonapia is only a good hook until you reach high school. Then its time to develop more complex hook.

I also wouldn’t use in addition.

I’m not seeing facts more of opinions and life experiences. You need facts to back opinions.

Take out for instance. You don’t need all of these transition words. Transition words are typically used to start new paragraphs.

“For instance, apprenticeship trades and post secondary institution depending on their field of study, furthermore, it gives the students the capacity to enhance their financial resources by giving them the proper training, skills and abilities to increase employment.” This is a runnon sentence and it doesn’t make a lot of sense. I think what you should have done is this “Education comes in numerous structures such as, apprenticeship, trades, and college depending on their field of study. This gives students the capacity to enhance their financial resources by giving them the proper training, skills and abilities in order to increase employment opportunities.” I changed it to college because post secondary institute was too wordy.

“Better employments generally mean more cash, which lets the person lead to superior person satisfaction.” I understand what youre trying to say here but its very awkward so I would reword it.

Answer 6

@xxDragoonxx

Answer 7

if you have any questions about anything i said please let me know

Answer 8

Okay so the point youre trying to make doesn’t make sense. Youre trying to prove school is important, right? Because you just listed a bunch of things that I learned at home. You’re trying to use a lot of big words, which is awesome but you’re trying to squeeze as many as possible, all at once. This is making a lot of your essay too wordy, and sometimes awkward. As the audience I’m kind of confused. You don’t explain enough. There’s no prof behind anything you’re saying.
Self-considered undertakings? Its too wordy.
Between beds and after there should be a period or semicolon
I’m honestly confused right now on the point you’re trying to make.
Your paragraphs aren’t really paragraphs unless they have at least three sentences in each. Good paragraphs have at least five sentences. You need to elaborate more.

Answer 9

that was paragraph two

Answer 10

“Another value is the responsibility in which are crucial and vital let youngsters initiate to take accountability for themselves in slight ways, then modify to advanced ones.” This sentence is very wordy, awkward, and probably a runnon. Make this simpler. It’s too wordy. “Moreover, this will enable them to know that these responsibilities they have an exciting


this is also part of paragraph two

Answer 11

“Moreover, this will enable them to know that these responsibilities they have an exciting rewards for the kids’ cooperation and participation at the end of the day, so that they can buy chocolates, candies, ice cream or school lunch.” This is another runnon with awkward wording. I don’t know what “this” is. You are starting a new paragraph so restate what “this “is.
“Moreover, _______will enable them to understand that the responsibilities they have will lead to exciting rewards, which will in term allow them to buy chocolates, candies, ice cream or school lunch.” I took out “for the kids’ cooperation and participation at the end of the day” because when you say responsibilities you are saying this. Using both is redundant.
Now I have some question about the sentence itself because as the reader this is what I get from that sentence. You’re now talking about reward system. What is this reward system? How does it work? How will this guarantee children to behave? Some schools don’t allow things like candy. Are you saying that if a child doesn’t earn their rewards they wont get lunch?
Im sure none of this is what you mean, but as the read this is what I read and these are the questions that popped in my head.
“. Due to this, they will start to see themselves as competent, equipped which prompts an in number mental self-portrait and the desire to accomplish even more along the way.” Youre trying to fit too much into one sentence. This could be four sentences. All you have to do is break it up.

paragraph 3

Answer 12

last paragraph

“In other words” is not a very good transition word for the conclusion. Transition words are acceptable for most paragraphs. Just not your first. You also want to make sure the transition words arnt like first, second, third. Things like that. The conclusion has to have a specific type of transition word that basically means lets wrap things up. You can go online to look up these transition words.
introduce to teach their child in a different way generations to generations to come,” this is awkward

Answer 13

i hope this helped

Answer 14

Here you go :) I restructured some of your sentences and tried to make it more reader-friendly. hope this helps!! ispike also had some great suggestions that I didn't include in this version, but you can add those yourself :) Good luck! let me know if you have any questions.

Answer 15

Thank you for taking the time to help me and I really like the feedback and suggestions.

Answer 16

No problem!

Answer 17

anytime