Question

Anyone able to check if this Sonata I wrote is Iambic? :)

Answer 1

I don't possess that type of knowledge. sorry.

Answer 2

Thanks anyway!

Answer 3

@SolomonZelman

Answer 4

I guess the best will be to post it, and you will get more opinions on it. When I have time, if I do, I can certainly take a look at it, despite that English is my 3rd language (if not 4th).

I don't think that English Poetry is my best, but can take a shot. Once again, i am not a professional at this at all, and once again it would be better to just post it.

Answer 5

If, Then

I see you, intricate, soft joy, laughter
in your gaze, though thorns adorn your next breath.
You see only marrings, you their crafter
unsure of your place in this dance with death.
I have watched you, struggling to endure strong;
Pressure from around, pressure from within.
You have forgotten now how you belong
If this darkness chose you, or you this sin
Single black rose thrown, placed, into fire
After opening yourself to the world.
Now, bright, blooming slowly in your new hour
The same rose -- reborn -- stolen to be hurled
Then we quietly draw near ones we killed
Wondering how their new hearts were then stilled.

Answer 6

^ That's it, thank you for taking the time to look at it!

Answer 7

I realize some parts are not iambic I just need help rearranging or finding new words.
@myininaya @paki @dan815 ? :)

Answer 8

I can't think how to substitute for Pressure, for example.... (I was never good at poetry, just trying my best to help)

Answer 9

\(\tt \color{red}{Pre}\)sure

Answer 10

maybe: the pressure

Answer 11

twice in that line, the pressure.
(this is 1 thing, as far as I can understand)

Answer 12

I am really not good at it, I don't want to mislead you. Apologize....

Answer 13

It's ok! The only thing there is that each line must only be 10 syllables.

Answer 14

Would it work to switch it to
"The pressure around, the pressure within" ? maybe?

Answer 15

doesn't sound that liric to me-:(

Answer 16

The pressure from around and within.
^
^
would sound good but it is 9 syllables

Answer 17

oo that sounds nice. Hm where could we add a syllable? o.o

Answer 18

Constant pressure from around and within?

Answer 19

Is that still Iambic?

Answer 20

Doesn't sound so great what I am going to propse this time, but perhaps(?):

Severe pressure from around and within.

(and it is iambic)

Answer 21

oo but it's more of a heavy pressure, not severe or sharp.

Answer 22

yeah that is why i don't like it...

Answer 23

gah haha but it was good! There just has to be a better word xD

Answer 24

\\ `we need to syllables here` // pressure from around and within

that is the task

Answer 25

just posting for myself

Answer 26

right right.

Answer 27

awful ?

Answer 28

Almighty pressure from around and within.

?

Answer 29

but almighty, at least to me, has a connotation of being ll powerful and able, and not as much as an indicator of an extent of something.

Answer 30

being *all* powerful ...

Answer 31

right..not the word :/

Answer 32

Unreal pressure from aroung and within.
(maybe?)

Answer 33

around*

Answer 34

better!!

Answer 35

surreal?

Answer 36

Yeah that too.... fancier word.
Sur at the beginning I am pretty sure it is unstressed syllable

Answer 37

yayy :)

Answer 38

REPOSTING IT:
---------------------
I see you, intricate, soft joy, laughter
in your gaze, though thorns adorn your next breath.
You see only marrings, you their crafter
unsure of your place in this dance with death.
I have watched you, struggling to endure strong;
Pressure from around, pressure from within.
You have forgotten now how you belong
If this darkness chose you, or you this sin
Single black rose thrown, placed, into fire
After opening yourself to the world.
Now, bright, blooming slowly in your new hour
The same rose -- reborn -- stolen to be hurled
Then we quietly draw near ones we killed
Wondering how their new hearts were then stilled.
-------------------

If this darkness ....

i think this is not iambic

Answer 39

wait,
if THIS ...

Answer 40

yeah it is iambic, nvm....

Answer 41

is it all good? o.0

Answer 42

i was replying to a math question.... apologize

Answer 43

i think everything is good now as far as iambic goes (i didn't calculate the 10 syllables part in each line tho)

Answer 44

but, the last line tho', only, a far as I can see, starts from a stressed syllable

Answer 45

\(\rm \bcancel{\cancel{wonDERing}}\)

Answer 46

But, \(\rm \underline{w{\tiny~}o{\tiny~}n}{\tiny~~}d{\tiny~}e{\tiny~}r{\tiny~}i{\tiny~}n{\tiny~}g\)

Answer 47

So should I switch that word?

Answer 48

What might fit there? (sorry my pc got stuck :/)

Answer 49

and wondered how their hearts have stilled

idk, like that maybe?

Answer 50

err is that missing a syllable?

Answer 51

why?

Answer 52

and wondered how their new hearts were then stilled.

Answer 53

does that work?

Answer 54

I am getting mixed up with the way i count syllbales in Russian... sorry

Answer 55

that's ok :)

Answer 56

and = 1 (total: 1)
wondered = 2 (total: 3)
how = 3 (total: 6)

their = 1
new = 1
hearts =1
were =1
then =1
stilled = 1 (total: 12)

Answer 57

oh, wait

Answer 58

xD how=3, my brain is off

Answer 59

it is 10

Answer 60

yes that should work

Answer 61

hahah xD yay!! thank you so much. Is that all? :)