Question

Here is a small sample of the 1st draft of my book.

It's a little short but I thought this was one of my favorite scenes I have written. It kinda made me sad... it probably won't make you guys sad cause you'd have to read the first two chapters haha.

Answer 1

So here is a recap of the first two chapters to help you understand this scene:

Heather (MC) is introduced as a 16 year old girl.
Her family is a stereotypical happy family (or so she thinks).
She finds out her father is in a witch coven but not the good kind.
After she discovers this, her powers begin to flourish and one of the powers she has is the ability to see into the future, past, or see the present of other people through their eyes (visions).
She keeps talking about a guy which she refers to her friends as "him" or "he" she never says his name and the reader does not know who he is but Heather is strongly fond of him.
Heather is also struggling with believing in her powers and she is not fully aware yet that her hallucinations are actually visions.

If you need to ask anything else to help you understand this small scene please let me know. :]

Answer 2

Small Sample Scene:

Everything went silent. Heather had no idea what had just happened. One moment everything seemed fine. Her family was having a nice meal and the next she was in the middle of a burnt field. There was no grass, only dirt and ash. The air was covered in black smoke. In the distance all her eyes could see were corpses, nothing else. The utter silence that filled the field was starting to drive her insane. There was no one around, no one to ask for help. She began taking a few steps forward. Heather tried to find a way to go but which way? All around her was just black dirt and smoke but then she saw it. The one thing she had feared the most. The one thing that could destroy her life. His body rested on the ground covered in blood. Her eyes began to fill with tears as she fell on the ground. “Heather... Heather!” She began to hear whispers all around her. She began to frantically look all around her. The voices began to intensify as her eyesight was shifting like a camera trying to find its focus. She tried to hold her ground but all she could now see was a bright flashing light. “Heather honey are you alright?” Her mother asked. Heather looked up to see her mother sitting right next to her. The voices she had heard were the voices of her family trying to get her attention. Heather was now back with her family enjoying their meal. She tried to speak but nothing would escape her lips, she was in complete confusion. Without warning she jolted from her chair and ran to her room.

Answer 3

@Jakeenglish
@AndrewIsHere
@Shards-of-a-Soul
@xesylady
@Xbeast

Answer 4

Hmm not bad. I like it.

Answer 5

@AndrewIsHere haha thanks! Might be all over the place though but I am just writing whatever I have on my mind throughout the 1st draft. and my 2nd draft will be going over and fixing. Haha anyway thanks again for replying! :]

Answer 6

@Data_LG2 Hi! It would mean a lot to me if you could make some time to read my sample. :]

Answer 7

not bad for a first draft, actually. Im sure the 2nd and 3rd will be very well put together. keep it up.

Answer 8

I like it, but to be honest I really have no idea what the story is actually like. But it is written well, especially for a first draft.

I don't know if this bad or not, but I'm not actually interested in who 'he' is, like at all. I found myself much more interested in why he's so important to Heather. I don't know if that was what you intended or not, but I think I see why I feel that way. I think it's because you've mainly connected the two by showing that 'he' is very important to Heather, but nothing about him. It's moving the focus off him and onto Heather. I'm not saying this is bad, I felt I should point this out in case that wasn't what you'd intended.

I gotta admit though, I've never really been a fan of really young main characters. I'm not saying it's bad really, I've just never really enjoyed them as much as older ones. (Emyrys is roughly 35 to give you an idea of that.)

I know this will sound incredibly stupid, but just hear me out. What time period (roughly) is this in? At first it sounded medieval/renaissance, it having witches and all, but when you compared Heather's vision to a camera it obviously wasn't. So is it a modern fantasy?

So basically, it's good as a first draft.

Answer 9

I'm also curious as to why "he" is important to her, but I guess we're going to have to wait until the next few drafts to find out.

Answer 10

I agree with Shards-of-a-Soul, I'm also interested who "he" is :P Maybe you already described "him" (some of his features) on your previous drafts, so I think it's perfect for a suspense. One more thing, Shards also gave a good point about the settings, so I think you should also try to take care of that :D Pretty nice draft, it keeps your readers going.

Answer 11

@Shards-of-a-Soul Yay I'm so happy you replied!!

I wrote a few things before the sample to kinda help with reading the sample. Thanks I kinda feel my first draft is all over the place never thought it was good.

I have already described "him" in the first two chapters when Heather speaks to her friends she basically went all "lovey dovey" but her friends kept stopping her when it became too detailed. He is not important in this chapter as he was in the first two. The whole introduction/exposition is mostly about just making him known but it's mostly about how Heather feels about him so you should not be interested in him AT ALL, its all about Heather's feelings.

I personally love the young heroes but its mainly cause I can't write about people older than me. I have written up to 28 but never really good.

The time period is modern times but trust me this is no fantasy. I mean it is but its mostly violent and sad. (haha)

Answer 12

@Data_LG2 Yay you read it!!! :]

Like I told Shards-of-a-Soul: I have already described "him" in the first two chapters when Heather speaks to her friends she basically went all "lovey dovey" but her friends kept stopping her when it became too detailed. He is not important in this chapter as he was in the first two. The whole introduction/exposition is mostly about just making him known but it's mostly about how Heather feels about him so you should not be interested in him AT ALL, its all about Heather's feelings.

Setting has also already been described in almost every paragraph since the first 2 chapters this was just a small sample I happened to pick because it was my favorite scene.

Answer 13

Totally forgot to thank you guys so much for your constructive criticism as well as the opinions, means a lot to me!! :]

Answer 14

No problem at all kiddo, all you can do is your best.

Answer 15

@Xbeast Omg forgot to reply to you but thank you for replying!!

Here is what I told Data and Shards-of-a-Soul: I have already described "him" in the first two chapters when Heather speaks to her friends she basically went all "lovey dovey" but her friends kept stopping her when it became too detailed. He is not important in this chapter as he was in the first two. The whole introduction/exposition is mostly about just making him known but it's mostly about how Heather feels about him so you should not be interested in him AT ALL, its all about Heather's feelings. :] Hope this helps.

Answer 16

Her reason for why she is so interested in him is because he understands her (that's not all though, she hasn't said why else she likes him yet).
Heather mentioned to her friends that she had hung out with him (this is never explained, it occurred in the events before the actual book) and she felt an "explosion" of emotions when he touched her hand.
She has basically slowly fallen in love with him but there is one thing... he is older than her.
When I described him he was 21, dark hair, dark eyes, and he was very extremely mysterious.
If you guys have any other questions about "him" just ask. :]

Answer 17

It is fine, just keep writing your book, it will be great.

Answer 18

@xbeast You're too sweet :] Thank you.

Answer 19

beautifully written! love this as well.

Answer 20

" Heather looked up to see her mother sitting right next to her."

Just a thought, but you could say "Heather looked up with a face of utter confusion, looking at her mother, shaken with what had just occurred" or something of the sort.

The reason I say this is because it helps the reader know how she really feels, and what her face displayed to the rest of her family members. ofc, we know she is confused, but a personʻs face is what conveys basically 90% of a personʻs emotion. You want to paint an image of what the character is displaying and feeling. This is why people read books, so they can escape to another world. You, the writer, just has to paint it for them (with words ofc).

She tried to speak but nothing would escape her lips, she was in complete confusion.

Instead of would, I would say could. Could is usually used with requests. She is "requesting" for her mouth to be opened and speak. But for some reason, itʻs being denied, but herself unknowingly or a force unbeknownst to her and others. Just a personal opinion though. Either is fine grammatically.

Answer 21

I enjoy writing small adventurous stories of young characters as well, so if possible, post often, Iʻd enjoy reading them and helping you if you need with checking grammar or anything ;p gl with your book tho!

Answer 22

@shadowLegendx thanks for the advice and for taking your time to read it and to write that beautiful advice! Omg I can't believe someone would do that haha xD! :] means a lot to me but please keep in mind this is a "dumb" first draft and I am just writing whats on my mind.. my next draft will be fixing all this mess I wrote now.

Answer 23

@becauseimajedi That means a lot to me omg thank you! :] <3 god bless.