Question

Is there anyone interested in reading my college essay?

There is only one intern at my school who looks at all of the college essays my school's senior class writes. Due to a schedule loaded with AP's and extracurricular activities, I can't go see her as often as I would want to. Is there anyone who is interested in reading my essay and giving me feedback? I would be very grateful. Thanks in advance!

My essay will be in the comments section

Answer 1

Describe the world you come from — for example, your family, community or school — and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

When I was in pre-kindergarten my teacher, Ms. Violich, regularly took my class outside to observe the school garden and the interaction of the plant’s and animal's. I fell in love with going outside because there was so much at work under my nose. Unlike some of the students, I preferred going outside and working in the garden than cookies and nap time. My early encounter with nature helped shape a lifelong admiration for the environment.
In fourth grade Ms. Violich made me a student ambassador for Fairchild Gardens. Being a student ambassador for Fairchild Gardens was my first leadership role. I was partnered with a group of kindergartners and was responsible for helping them understand the different types of plants there. I helped my group bring what they learned from the classroom to Fairchild by encouraging them to use some of their senses to observe the plants. Throughout elementary school I was inspired to continue helping younger students enjoy and interact with the environment by helping them on small gardening projects in the school’s garden. I enjoyed this because I was able to introduce something that four and five year olds would not have experienced at such an early age.
In middle school, I was mostly concerned about how to reverse the effects of pollutants in the environment and found out about the study of environmental toxicology through a passage in one of my English books. As an environmental toxicologist I would use several principals of science to access, evaluate, and manage the effects of man-made chemicals on the environment. I also hope I can help alleviate some of the problems the environment is facing by setting exposure limits to conserve and keep the environment safe.
Knowing what I wanted to do at such an early age helped plan my short and long term goals during high school. Throughout my entire high school career, I have taken two to three science courses per year such as chemistry, biology, and marine science to name a few. During that time, I was an active part of the Ecology club and created several ecological projects such as a composting program and was nicknamed “compost girl” because I brought in enough organic matter that would provide compost for the garden beds for several years. In the summer of my junior year, I did an internship in agro-ecology and worked on a personal research project that assessed the pH and nutrient content of different soil samples from hardwood hammock ecosystems such as the Everglades. This internship helped push me out of my bubble because I had to present my research to a panel of graduate students and professors who majored in science fields.
My early introduction to natural systems helped shape my aspirations to help educate children about the environment so that they can taking care of it at an early age and has also inspired me to continue helping the environment by majoring in environmental toxicology. (word count 493/500)

Answer 2

"plant’s and animal's" remove the apostrophes (')

Answer 3

My early introduction to natural systems helped me shape my aspirations to help educate children about the environment so that they can take care of it at an early age and it has also inspired me to continue helping the environment by majoring in environmental toxicology as I am now taking up my graduate course. (added 11 words)

Answer 4

Great essay! You'll get 100% no problem!

Answer 5

@al-khaizer
Thank you so much for taking the time to look at my essay! Is that all?

Answer 6

@whyweeat
Thank you for the kind words!

Answer 7

@al-khaizer
I do not understand the part you added to my conclusion : "...as I am now taking up my graduate course. "

this is an essay for undergraduate

Answer 8

I'm a senior in high school

Answer 9

"...made me a student ambassador for Fairchild Gardens. Being a student ambassador for Fairchild Gardens was my first leadership role. "

This is really repetitive.

"...made me a student ambassador for Fairchild Gardens, which was my first leadership role." ( -7 words)

Because of my training (I have a BS in Environmental Science), I'm not a fan of most of the 3rd paragraph. However, it's unimportant in the context of this.

Answer 10

Also, "When I was in pre-kindergarten my teacher, ..." seems odd to me.

'When I was in preschool' sounds slightly better

'My pre-kindergarten teacher, ..." sounds the best to me, but seems like an odd start

Answer 11

That's all.

Answer 12

Oops! Sorry for that!