Question

Chapter 1 The Nightmare; I would like feedback please!

Answer 1

"Savannah. Savannah we're coming back. Don't worry about us we love you." My mother holds my eight year old face up to hers. My dad stands behind her. They know I'm worried. They wouldn't even tell me where they are going. I begged them not to go. I don't know how I knew, but I knew that something was going to happen. Something that would alter everything about me.

"You'll be okay," my father says. "We'll be back before you can say 'potato'. Okay?" Mom lets go of my face and gets in the car. Dad gives me a hug and follows after her. I tried to go after them but my nanny held me back. Just before my father turns the car on I see a figure in a black car that's right across the street from my parents. They have blue eyes. Deep blue eyes. Like the ocean. They're holding a gun before I can even process any of it I hear four gunshots go off and I see blood. One bullet hits my mom in the chest. Another, my mother's head. Another, my father's arm. Another, my father's heart. There's blood everywhere, but I can't look away. Shortly after I remember the ambulance being there but I didn't hear the sirens. The nanny picks me up. Just before we walk in the house I look back and whisper one word. Only one. But the most important one of my life as I see my mother and father being inserted into the ambulance.

"Potato" and then I start screaming.

I'm screaming. The sheets are strangling me. I can't breathe. I throw them off of me and start crying. It happened eight years ago and I still can't sleep since that day.

Written By: Rhonda Sommer 2015 All Rights Reserved

Answer 2

...?

Answer 3

this is the first chapter of my book "If I Can Dream"

Answer 4

That is so awesome! 10/10

Answer 5

do you want me to post my third chapter?

Answer 6

Wow! This is Awesome!

Answer 7

thanks my second chapter is in the writing section. check it out >.< http://openstudy.com/study#/updates/56800946e4b032ed60ddfe51

Answer 8

medal me >.< im trying to get 50 medals in the writing section :)

Answer 9

I think its great!!

Answer 10

thank you >.<

Answer 11

check out my second chapter >.<

Answer 12

http://openstudy.com/study#/updates/56800946e4b032ed60ddfe51

Answer 13

I like the first chapter, but unless your not writing a novel, I'd be expecting more words. The first chapter is suppose to be special, and it's the origin of the story. Also, instead of using the words like, "The bullet 'hit's mom." You could say the bullet 'pierces/pierced' mom. See how changing a few words it adds more tone and etc. I suggest you do that more. Nice story.

Answer 14

ill change it :) thanks :)

Answer 15

No problem! ;)

Answer 16

changed. if you want to see my changes...go to wattpad.com :)

Answer 17

Pierced sounds weird, I would say struck is a better word to use.

Answer 18

thanks; ill edit soon

Answer 19

Should be posted in writing instead of English.

Answer 20

it was.

Answer 21

Then there is no need to post it in other subjects...

Answer 22

that was after i had already posted it in this subject; and i get grammatical help in this subject while in the writing subject, i get ideas of were to go next.

Answer 23

Cool!