Question

I want everyone who view's this to be honest and frank with me. Give me you're sincerest feedback and brutalize it if you wish. I need some compare contrast thought's.
Just do me a favor and leave your political thoughts and disagreements out of it. No fights or anything. :)

Answer 1

THE NEW AMERICA

Friends that I know not --
hear the bluntness with which I speak
For I have forgot
all strength and power of the meek.

This blue, red, and white banner
on a pole with stars and stripes
Unbelongeth in manner
to a country selfish for rights.

This land of the brave
(thats what the patriots call it)
Yet the lives we save
are mere dollars in a wallet.

McDonald's, or some such place
is the new family dinner --
So that we may talk of waste
and ignore the unrepentant sinner.

Lost are the days
when one worked for dignity
Clinging to the ways
now washed out by femininity.

Terrorists now threaten
our holy and sacred land
Only so that we question
our next door neighbor and man.

Innocence of evil
is just the new game
Played in a cathedral
to hide the crimson stain.

Friend, this is life
and this is America.
A world of my wrong and your right,
Yes, this is the new era.

Answer 2

Is this a song or a poem? (I wanna say poem cause if it were a song it'd probably be in the music section)

Answer 3

Yes, poem.
Sorry I should have clarified. :)

Answer 4

@bigpapa1

Answer 5

Oh okay... It's good :)

Answer 6

You said to leave politics out of it but you know.....
It doesn't matter if someone agrees with it or not, you, my friend have written a good poem! :)

Answer 7

Thank you very much! I appreciate that! @bigpapa1 ^-^

Answer 8

No problem :)

Answer 9

That's great!

Answer 10

I like this poem!

Answer 11

@pink33 Really? Wow.
Well, thank you so much! :)

Answer 12

no problem

Answer 13

That is awesome! :D

Answer 14

It's all perfect! XD
Very nice job :)
You used the rhyming really well. Sometimes rhyming takes away from a poem, but it just enhanced yours and made it better.
This is my favorite part:
"This land of the brave
(thats what the patriots call it)
Yet the lives we save
are mere dollars in a wallet."

Answer 15

@TheProfessor35
Thank you! :)

@ayeedomo
Aww, thanks Alyssa! I actually was about to tag you just to see what you thought, but I'm glad you found it of your own accord!
Totally understand ya there. Some people go overboard with rhyming in a poem where it sounds out of place, weird, and OVER done. But I'm glad...really glad you noticed that.
I appreciate it! ♥

Answer 16

OMW I love it! :) Great Job! :) I loved your poem! Your great at writing! I love the way you put it too! :D

Answer 17

@Qwertty123
Woah, definitely did not expect that! Thanks very very much!

Answer 18

Also, everyone who view's this, don't be afraid to tell what you do or don't like about it. Criticism is a thing meant to make a person better and I'll take everything I can get.
As a matter of fact, I'd like to tag a few others who might be absolutely raw about it.

@tanner23456
@pooja195
@leahhhmorgannn
@Decarr432

Answer 19

:)

Answer 20

You Welcome! <3 I am full of Surprises! ;P

Answer 21

Very nice notable rhyming scheme! ^.^

Answer 22

Thank you @EclipsedStar :)

Answer 23

I was a bit questionable on the two dashes on the first stanza but figured that you meant an em dash. XD

Answer 24

I was trying to make it one dash, but computer was goofing me at that pint.

Answer 25

— <--- ;D

Answer 26

Yeah right! I can spell.

point**

Answer 27

Trust me, everyone who's typed for more than a month on a computer has made at least a dozen typos :)

Answer 28

Hey, the way I see it...some people spell like they have never learned English before so I think my one error is quite fine.
But thanks for pointing it out. I'll be mindful of my fingers. :)

Answer 29

xD ^_^

Answer 30

This is truly lovely!!! :) You are amazing at poetry!!! Keep going!!

Answer 31

This is extremely well written. I admire your structure and rhyming scheme. It's far superior to many other's I've read on here. I do, however, have a couple of suggestions.

In this phrase:

This blue, red, and white banner
on a pole with stars and stripes
Unbelongeth in manner
to a country selfish for rights

I really love the message, but I'm pretty sure Unbelongeth isn't a word. I know what you're going and I was trying to think of a good replacement. I was thinking Unrequited would be good, but it changes the meaning a little bit.

Also in this phrase:

McDonald's, or some such place
is the new family dinner --
So that we may talk of waste
and ignore the unrepentant sinner.

I love the message and I completely agree but I would avoid being so specific if I were you. It sort of distracts from the poem to have McDonald's in there. Maybe a more general term for fast food would be more appropriate. Corporate Dining? Fast food? I don't know, I can't really think of one right now.

Other than that, I think this is awesome. Great work. Keep writing.

Answer 32

You know what's funny?
After I wrote it and posted it and made final editing points, that "word" ..'Unbelongeth" caught my eye to, and I looked it up and that just does not exist!
It was so disappointing. If I had it my way, it'd would have been in the dictionary twenty years ago!
But you were the first to see that and I think the replacement word works, seeing as it is an actual word. So thanks for being able to come up with something as I was personally clueless myself!
Also a good point about McDonalds. Do you think like any specific restaurant should be put in there, or that it should just be scratched completely in that regard? @tanner23456

Answer 33

Thanks Bunnie @bunnielover948 :)

Answer 34

Yeah, I think I'd keep from being specific when it comes to companies. Maybe just replace the line, "Mcdonalds, or some such place" with something that describes corporate dining in it's lowliest form. I don't know, it's up to you. That's just my opinion.

Answer 35

Definitely a thought I will consider.
I understand where you are coming from, its just a bit tricky because the lines are very pithy and tight and I don't want to over-word things or anything like that. But maybe I'll find a way.
Thanks so much! I really really appreciate it! :)

Answer 36

No worries. Great job!

Answer 37

*-*
It's fantabulous @Atsie ^u^

Answer 38

Amazing poem! U are such a talented writer! ^_^ @Atsie

Answer 39

Wow! Thanks the both of you guys! @YoungStudier @Agl202
I really appreciate the feedback. :)

Answer 40

Beautiful work

Answer 41

Thank you @SnowCrystal :)

Answer 42

And this is another one @Ms-Brains

Answer 43

This is marvelous! @Atsie Amazing job! cx <33

Answer 44

Dank yee Ms. Brains ♥ (bad German attempt :P)
I appreciate it!