Question

I'd love to get some feedback on this that I just wrote.

Answer 1

I feel like you were made for me
Like our encounters were meant to be
And you were sent to save me
From a life of pain and misery

Though time may fade our memories
I won't forget our pleasantries
And how I thought we were supposed to be
And how you captured the most of me

I wonder at the mystery
Of your perspective's history
And if ours match in harmony
But I fear this ends in tragedy

Of hearts that strong were beating
But words continued defeating
And left open wounds bleeding
And ignored the chance for redeeming

But this hope keeps on repeating
The chance of life worth living
In words, maybe deceiving
But in love, always believing

Answer 2

It is really good, I really liked how you wrote "Though time may fade our memories I won't forget our pleasantries And how I thought we were supposed to be And how you captured the most of me" :) Keep up the good work

Answer 3

Thanks, I appreciate it.

Answer 4

I must say, this was an unexpected encounter to see something like this of yours in the writing section!
I actually found myself smiling at the way you worded things and shaped your thoughts because in reality there is a brilliance to this. Its plain and simple but yet so complicated at the same time and there are a ton of poems that kind of tend to miss that concept. Compare contrast is important depending on the subject of what your writing.
If I'm not honest then I'm a fool, so I'll give you a bit of a critique here. :)
While you can metaphorically wove some of these threaded words together quite well, I am getting a sense that there is focus on rhyming so much so that it is a little bit over done.
No doubt, all of the words rhyme well and they all make sense with the lines your writing, but shockingly its the way you start a line that can make the rhyming of the stanza seem over done.
So as an example, lets take a look at this stanza you wrote........

Though time may fade our memories
I won't forget our pleasantries
And how I thought we were supposed to be
And how you captured the most of me

^^Absolutely marvelous line! But I dare you to look at something really simple for a second.

"And how I thought we were supposed to be
And how you captured the most of me."

See how you repeat "and" twice as well as "how?"
I know this seems really dumb, but it makes a difference. Repeating those words twice offsets this very stanza where it makes it look like you are rhyming to much and you are solely focused on it.
What if we did something different to make it less so?
Hmm, maybe like....

Though time may fade our memories,
I won't forget our pleasantries.
How I thought we were supposed to be
in the way that you captured most of me

Does that put it together better to you? Do you see what I'm trying to say?
If not, let me know. I can attempt to explain better.
It's a really trivial aspect to your poem entirely, but I just wanted to point it out to help you. :)

Answer 5

Thanks, for this. As usual, I really appreciate your well thought out analysis of my writing. Thank you for your compliments and thank you even more for your critiques.

I totally get where you're coming from. I considered the same thing when I first wrote it. All of this sort of came together in about 5 minutes in the middle of the night so I'm hesitant to change it for fear of not capturing the idea that I want to put across. I like what you've written and I'll take it into consideration.

I realize the excessive rhyming scheme is occasionally awkward and may leave you uncomfortable but that's sort of the way I want it for now. I know that sounds weird.

I'll definitely take all of your thoughts into consideration. Thanks again.

Answer 6

Understandably! Sometimes maybe leaving it the way it is can bring out the point more. I mean in order to make someone get something you have to do that.
And I'm glad I could be of help. ^.^ Thank you for posting this. I love looking at another person's art. :)

Answer 7

I may want to change it in the future, so I appreciate your comments so that I have some reassurance in any adjustments I make pertaining to those things you've mentioned.

I feel like the writing of music and creation of poetry or really and form of art has the potential to be a revelatory experience and I'm always hesitant to diverge from any impressions initially received for fear of diverging from what I really feel I need to say. Thank you for understanding these things so well.

Thanks again for your words. I sincerely appreciate it.

Answer 8

Even though I may still be a high schooler in my years, I say this as a piece of advice.
Do not hesitate to diverge from impressions no matter how you feel. I mean I a 100% understand what your saying and feel that within myself always, but there is a point in writing whether lyrically/musically or poetically that its important to say what you really feel and feel it within yourself. Because in reality, no one is you. No one can ever be you and thats a plain fact. You can only feel something within yourself and be comforted that others are watching your movie in a sense. (if that is understandable) If they don't understand the plot of your movie, you do and you always will as you learn.
I'm so glad I can be of help :) Let me know if you ever need any other critiques or thoughts of any sort.

Answer 9

beautiful!

Answer 10

Thanks!