Question

Can someone please look over my essay and give me some feedback? I think there is some room for improvement.

Answer 1

The heat wave had hit was such intensity, the entire playground seemed as if it were melting from the sun’s oppressive rays. However, I could no longer contain the excitement for the desire to go and play.
“You’re a big boy now, almost seven years old! You can do it yourself. Go on, I’ll be right here.”, my grandfather said sitting on a bench, as he intertwined one leg over the other. “I’ll be watching.”
I immediately ran off and jumped on to one of the empty set of swings. With my legs, I pushed off the ground and with the help of the chained ropes connected to the bottom of my seat, I was flying. I looked towards my grandfather who was smiling and cheering me on as I gradually went higher and higher. Even with the unrelenting sun pointing directly at me, a cold breeze swept by, making the heat feel somewhat bearable.
My grandfather was the most important character in my life, a true role-model. My parents were always occupied and never really had the time for me, so my grandfather took over as the parent figure. I would spend nearly all my time with him. He would always be the one I would turn to when in need of help or just selfish attention.
However, it seemed as though I had competition. My grandfather was later diagnosed with lung cancer and it seemed as though it wanted my grandfather all to itself. My grandfather would spend more time feeding medication to the cancer and trying to restrain it from impairing him, and less time with me. But before I knew it, the cancer ran through his body and slowly consumed him, taking him away from me completely.
I woke up one day and was told that my grandfather was taken to the hospital. My whole world came crashing down. My father had gone with him during midnight after he had fallen due to weakness. My mother and I got ready and prepared to go to him the following morning.
The tall white building of the hospital was all I could see. Everything else blurred out. That’s where he was, my grandfather. I slowly walked towards the entrance with my mother. The closer I got to it, the more I wanted to stay away. The news of whether or not he would make it out alive and healthy consumed my mind. I would not be able to contain myself if things were to go astray. However, I would not be able to live with myself if I did not see him at least one more time, so I kept walking forward.
As soon as we entered, I looked around the room as my mother went to talk to the front desk. The lobby was full of people, all of whom who had looked like they were in despair and had lost someone. Not a good sign. I held my mother’s hand and walked to his room.
As we opened the door, my grandfather slowly began to reveal himself into my field of vision. He was lying in a bed, hooked up to sorts of machines and what not. I ran up and sat next to him. He looked at me and smiled.
“You’re a big boy now, almost 10 years old! It’s okay, I’ll be right here.”, my grandfather said pointing towards my chest. “I’ll be watching.”

Answer 2

that was coding sorry XD

Answer 3

imma read the paragraph now

Answer 4

Thanks :)

Answer 5

it looks good it might be a tad bit long just stick to the most important facts about ur graps

Answer 6

Its actually suppose to be a bit longer xD

Answer 7

fr

Answer 8

then its fine

Answer 9

@RedR0se03399

Answer 10

gtg back to my coding

Answer 11

hope u get help

Answer 12

Thanks man. Good luck to you too.

Answer 13

reading it now :3

Answer 14

Kay :)

Answer 15

"The heat wave had hit was such intensity" should be "The heat wave had hit with such intensity"

Answer 16

Oh wow. didnt even see that. lol
Thanks

Answer 17

"He was lying in a bed, hooked up to sorts of machines and what not." i would change to "He was lying in a bed, hooked up to all sorts of machines and what not." as it seems to flow better that way.

Answer 18

otherwise it's a really good essay!

Answer 19

Thanks for the feed back :)

Answer 20

no problem!

Answer 21

if you need help on anything else like this just tag or message me.

Answer 22

Why don't you ask specialists to help you? I've personally used Supreme essay service. They usually proofread my assignments. If you need their help you can give them a try. Hope that helps.

Answer 23

Skimming through it, I'd refrain form utilizing diction that would hinder the product or train of though with informality. Therefore, as an advice, I'd search synonyms to find another form to deliver that thought; whilst looking to tie it together.

Note: You do not need to use it for dialogue, as it would then make for a rather peculiar form of talking between two whom are "close" in ties. Additionally, I'd also incorporate specific mentions towards the events that made your character resent the events your [his] grandfather encountered, including stances that altered his actions with others' in his life. They do not have to be big, just enough to enlarge it, if you wish.

This is, with skimming it as I was multi-tasking.

Answer 24

there are a few mistakes in paragraph 6 and there is a shift in tenses that happens between the first 3 paragraphs and the rest. Because of the way u started ur essay (it is a flashback) maybe u can start with " I remember the day before everything went wrong. It was..........." and continue on like that. You can then mention how u felt and how ur grandfather was dealing with it. I'm not sure what the conclusion would be but anyways ill just say this: u should put ur grandfathers last words in the last paragraph and say that from then on u always felt him watching over u something like that

Answer 25

I think its sounds really good. You have a nice flow to it and I must say you did an amazing job with it.

Answer 26

@iTz_Sid
I'm going to be really honest with you in terms of the fact that I haven't written a story or a book for that matter in a long time. I wrote a children's novel about three years ago that had 6 long chapters and since then I've written short stories. While this is an essay (or so you said it was) it still in a sense counts as a short story and I shall critique it as such.

One thing I learned when writing, is that depending upon what it is SPECIFICALLY you are writing about (in your case we know its a story your trying to tell) you absoloutly HAVE to hold the power of narration in your own hands. You need to be the boss of your own story and almost act as if you were around a fireplace with a group of friends and you are telling this story in the way that you'd want it to impact them.

While I do appreciate the abrupt way that you started off (because it made me want to read on and get an understanding of what this was about) and I also appreciated the part's where you sprinkled detail in. But then, you have to remember the CIRCUMSTANCE of the story in which detail is most definitely required or not required.

For example:
" I immediately ran off and jumped on to one of the empty set of swings. With my legs, I pushed off the ground and with the help of the chained ropes connected to the bottom of my seat, I was flying."

^While I honestly think that was wonderfully written, I also see it as an obvious detail that didn't need to be narrated. We all of course are aware that a swing uses the chained ropes connecting to the seat in order to make it an actual swing, There is another way though that you could imply, express, explain, etc...that feeling a child feels when they are the swing.
That flying feeling, right?

"I immediately ran off and jumped onto one of the empty set of swings. My legs allowed themselves to push me off the ground till soon I was beginning to see my toes against the blue skies above me and the hazy ground beneath. I had begun to feel as though I was making every bird jealous because I was flying with them."

^I'm merely stating that as an example of how you could write this a bit different by adding more detail about the flying feeling rather than how the swing is hooked up. Because we do want to captivate relatable sensitivities for our readers as well.

" However, it seemed as though I had competition. My grandfather was later diagnosed with lung cancer and it seemed as though it wanted my grandfather all to itself. "

^While I entirely understand what your going for here, this could be written better.

"However, it seemed as though I had competition. My grandfather was later diagnosed with a cancer determined to take him away from me. Lung cancer that is, it preferred to torment me at the same time it tormented his body."

^May not be how you personally would like it written, but it's an idea of re-writing it to make it make more sense. The sentence: "It wanted my grandfather all to itself" actually has an immaturity to it. It's not that its awfully childish sounding but rather that it reads unskillfully messy.

While those are a few points, I want to make one last one,
In some parts, your story has an intonation of running on and going a little to quick. I highly encourage you when writing to literally in your head take your words and your sentences and mentally chew them till they are digestible. If the stomach digest's improperly and to quickly then you will lose all of your nutrients right?
Same thing with the literary stomach. Go slow and think of the fireplace you are around with friends and how you want your story to impact them.

Other pointers in the above comments are also good feedback to keep in mind, but I wrote this to show my thoughts and how you can improve.
As a reminder also, allow feedback to be encouraging rather than negative no matter how harsh it is. If someone gives you feedback, they are taking the time to help you because you have potential and because they see that you are able to get better.
Keep writing! Society needs more creativeness and more realness in it's fiction and nonfiction and you are definitely able to contribute to that need!! :) I hope I was able to be of some help, and remember if anything holds you back, its usually you that's holding you back.
Good luck on future writings! ^.^

Answer 27

Thanks, I appreciate all the feedback!

Answer 28

No problem :)

Answer 29

@atsie

“You’re a big boy now, almost 10 years old! It’s okay, I’ll be right here.”, my grandfather said pointing towards my chest. “I’ll be watching.”

for that sentence, is there a better way of writing "...,my grandfather said pointing towards my chest." without sounding too cliche and more meaningful?

Answer 30

"You’re a big boy now, almost 10 years old! It’s okay, I’ll be right here" my grandfather said with that elderly wink that exuded his confidence in me.

^How about something like that? You don't really have to specifically say that the grandfather pointed at his grandson. It's plainly shown that he noticed his grandson's doubt and he is letting him know that everything's alright in the way that older people can do.
If that doesn't seem to fit or work, let me know and I'll try to help another way :) @iTz_Sid

Answer 31

I was trying to say that he pointed at my heart, saying that he will live on inside me.

Answer 32

I actually don't think there is any need to put that meaning right in the middle of the story. Maybe a better way would be towards the end actually. After you've laid out the part about the little boy's grandpa in the hospital, maybe you could leave your part as it is and reflect at the conclusion:
"I suddenly flashed back to earlier in the week when he had pointed at my chest while saying 'your a big boy now' and I realized that he had been pointing to my very heart where I knew I'd always keep him."

Answer 33

@Atsie Hm, I want to add some more vivid description about him in bed. I want to say something like "his face was paler than the long strand of hair poking out of his chin. His eyes surrounded with dark shadows. It was as if the grim reaper was holding his scythe around my grandfathers neck, ready to to bring him to his unfortunate demise."

Something around those lines, but maybe worded a bit better. xD
Do you think you could help me out? Something to give really clear details about an old dying person.

Answer 34

"His face had a paleness that beheld the shadows around his eyes and the wrinkled tenderness of his skin which I had clearly never noticed before.
The sudden clarity of his very self startled me as I realized that the end was near and the woe that had stricken him indeed did not care, for life and death was a poison of its own."

^How does that work? You can tweak it any way you like, but I tried to grab the sensation of an old person starting to die and weave it together. It can be very tricky to do because not only are you wanting to grab your reader, but you also have to thread a fine balance between the one human dying and the other realizing it's happening before their very eyes.

Answer 35

Wow you did a really great job of it though. Thanks!

Answer 36

Not a problem! (\^o^/)