Question

English paper review. Does it need more detail?

Answer 1

Though i am not done with paper yet, is it going in the right direction?

Answer 2

Human Nature in “A Very Old Man with Enormous Wings”
The short story “A Very Old Man with Enormous Wings” by Gabriel Garcia Marquez exposes the tendencies of human behavior. Pelayo lives in a rural neighborhood with his wife, Elisenda, and his child. Pelayo comes across a peculiar man at the beach. The man was faced down in the mud, dressed in ragpicker cloths and had something very unusual on him- wings. They capture the poor man and use him for their own greed. When people see something that could benefit them, it makes them selfish which was also what took place in the story.
Upon coming across him, they captured him and put him in their chicken coop. The man starts drawing a crowd, so Elisenda decides to charge them 5 cents to come see the man. According to public.wsu.edu, greed is defined as “an extreme or excessive desire for resources, especially for property such as money, real estate, or other symbols of wealth”. The term “excessive” here means possessing something to a point where its harmful. Like the story, Elisenda and Pelayo are getting a lot of materialistic things for themselves, but they’re only getting it by harming the man with wings. They might not be harming themselves with all the money, but somebody here is getting hurt. The man with wings did not have the best living conditions and had very poor treatment. This shows the extremes of human greed and what they would do for wealth and self-satisfaction.
As the man with wings was in the chicken coop, the people who came to see him did rude things to the man just to see him stand up. They threw rocks at him and plucked his feathers. There are times where human unconsciously do things just to feel dominance. According to uncommon-knowledge.co.uk, it states “This kind of domination, where it is disguised as something else, is often unconscious behavior rather than a conscious and deliberate effort to control. This means that it may be unrecognized by either the aggressor or the victim.” This shows that what the people were doing to the man with wing was probably all unconscious, they just got wrapped up in there amusement and their emotions they neglected how he might feel with the things they’re doing to him.

Answer 3

To begin, what exactly is your course asking for you to do in this assessment? In other words, is there some sort of list that has certain requirements or points that you are focusing/working on?

Answer 4

Ahh yes one second

Answer 5

@Irrati0nal Thoughts?

Answer 6

It looks pretty good so far. There are a few grammatical mistakes here and there, but it looks good so far otherwise. I can go over the grammatical errors with you if you'd like.

Answer 7

yeah, please.

Answer 8

Does it have enough detail?

Answer 9

The detail is good, but it may also help to add some quotes from the book to help elaborate a bit more.

Answer 10

yeah thats a good idea

Answer 11

what were the gramitical errors?

Answer 12

I'll go through them with you. Give me a few minutes, I'll highlight, quote, and explain each of them one by one.

Answer 13

Ok thank you so much

Answer 14

First paragraph:
"When people see something that could benefit them, it makes them selfish which was also what took place in the story."

You should add another comma after 'selfish', as you need to indicate a pause here (try reading the sentence aloud, you'll notice you pause there when speaking).

Answer 15

Second paragraph:

"The term “excessive” here means possessing something to a point where \(\rm\color{red}{its}\) harmful."

Incorrect usage of 'its'. 'Its' indicates that one object is possessing another.
You should use 'it's', as 'it's' is a contraction for 'it is'.
(Try reading the sentence aloud using 'it is' instead of 'its' or 'it's'. It still makes sense, right? 'It is' is just the same as using the contraction 'it's'.)

Answer 16

Third paragraph:
"There are times where \(\rm\color{red}{human}\) unconsciously do things just to feel dominance."

You need the plural version of 'human' here, so 'humans' would be correct.

Answer 17

Third paragraph:
"This shows that what the people were doing to the man with \(\rm\color{red}{wing}\) was probably all unconscious, they just got wrapped up in \(\rm\color{red}{there}\) amusement and their emotions they neglected how he might feel with the things they’re doing to him."

"wing" should be pluralized to 'wings'.

"there" is used to show location. Here, we need a word that shows possession of more than one individual, so 'their' would be the correct term to use here.

I also suggest either adding 'in' before "their emotions" and 'that' before "they neglected" or just changing the wording a bit more to make it flow more smoothly.

Answer 18

Thank you so much!

Answer 19

You're very welcome, I'm glad I was able to help!
Just let me know if you want me to look over the rest. I'll be online for a while yet. :)

Answer 20

I would love that! ill finish up with what i have. Can you look over those as well?

Answer 21

Sure. :)

Answer 22

this will start of as a continuation from the last paragraph.

Answer 23

It’s evident that they were not conscious when they had felt bad for burning the man with a branding iron. The man with wings, being that he was half human, began to cry. The people felt bad and then on was careful to not annoy him.
What the people were doing was a form of unconscious bullying. If something was to look unfamiliar, or if we come across something we do not understand we tend to look down upon it. The man with wings here is described here as “He was dressed as ragpicker. There were only a few faded hairs left on his bald skull and very few teeth in his mouth, and his pitiful condition of a drench great-grandfather had taken away any sense of grandeur he might have had” (Marquez 273) The way a person might look also may affect the way people might treat you. For example, the LGBT group are looked down upon by some people. According to a New York Times magazine it stated the LGBT community are more likely to experience a hate crime. An example would be the Orlando shootings. Just because people who are part of the LGBT community dress a certain way or act a certain, there are people who look down upon them mainly because of their lack of understanding. People don’t know how it feels to be in their positon. Same with this story, the people lack understanding of this peculiar man with wings. The people can’t even communicate with him due to a language barrier. The people probably view him as “not smart” and feel superior against him. This may not be a greed for money or materialistic items, but a desire to feel superior to someone.

Answer 24

@Irrati0nal

Answer 25

Does that paragrapgh drift away from the theme of greed?

Answer 26

*prepares to read for hours*

Answer 27

Lol, you can only read this recent one i posted

Answer 28

Overall this essay is detailed very well,although you should check for grammar and spelling, And one question what point of view is this essay supposed to be written in?

Answer 29

Im suppose to write about greed, and the story i read reflects greed

Answer 30

There seems to be no thesis statement.

Answer 31

hmm yes there is

Answer 32

My first paragraphs are at the very top

Answer 33

Usually it portrays the research paper as whole, which you started out, which is good. I became confused with this part:

"...which was also what took place in the story."

In a sense, this shouldn't be included. :)

Answer 34

hmm well, i checked it with my professor to make sure if it was okay. she didnt mind the into

Answer 35

Ah, I see. Well as I'm taking an English major, I saw fault in it. Looks like my professor's rants are getting into my head... :c

Answer 36

"There were only a few faded hairs left on his bald skull and very few teeth in his mouth, and his pitiful condition of a drench great-grandfather had taken away any sense of grandeur he might have had” (Marquez 273) The way a person might look also may affect the way people might treat you."

You forgot a period there. x)

Answer 37

It might be just my speculation, but it seems like there isn't a direct flow between the thesis and the other paragraphs...

Answer 38

Hmm so it does drift away from the main theme?

Answer 39

I personally think that, since you focused more on the story but not the context as how to it relates as so.

Answer 40

I would suggest putting more of your direct thoughts as to how the story relates to your thesis, and not restate some stray details of what happened at that moment. For example:

"The man with wings, being that he was half human, began to cry. The people felt bad and then on was careful to not annoy him."

I don't really see how that relates with selfishness. x)

Answer 41

Well, to fix that sentence first, The man with wings, being that he was half human, began to cry. The people felt bad and from then they were careful not to annoy him.*

Answer 42

then on*

Answer 43

Im just adding details, my professor said to include that in there.

Answer 44

@Irrati0nal What do you think?

Answer 45

Hmm...maybe adding some context as to why it's significant will help the flow. :)

Answer 46

hmm noted.

Answer 47

Also, if you don't mind me adding, on the last paragraph that you added, maybe it will be good to state how feeling superior to another indivdual/group (like the man and LGBT group) relates to being selfish in feeling. Overall it does have excellent ideas that relate, but just lacks a bit in flow and insight.

Answer 48

I agree with what @EclipsedStar has said.

I am noticing some grammatical errors in this as well.

Question: What are you choosing to do regarding the options of showing some type of importance of the issues you've chosen to elaborate on (from your rules list)?

Answer 49

Human Greed

Answer 50

Thats my main topic that im talking about

Answer 51

That's what I gathered, but do you plan to show why human greed is relevant to topical issues of current time as well?

Answer 52

Hmm...I think the LGBT is included. However yes, it's true that it lacks in the other paragraphs.

Answer 53

Yes for current times ive talked about LGBT, my main concernt if it relates to my theme.

Answer 54

yeah, im still not done with this essay, i have 3 more pages to go :(

Answer 55

Yeah it does. ^_^
Just lacks in the flowing (your own opinions should matter, I would suppose).

Answer 56

I sympathize...I have a 10-page essay due Wednesday :(

Answer 57

ok thank you! i was thinking on re writing that.

Answer 58

The struggle :(

Answer 59

No problem~ Best of luck! Tag me and @Irrati0nal should you need help later on. ^_^

Answer 60

mhm! Thank you!

Answer 61

sorry my laptop turned off

Answer 62

do you need more help?

Answer 63

Well, one question

Answer 64

would it be appropriate to have an opposing view point on why some people might think greed is good?

Answer 65

In my opinion, I don't think so. I think that would take some of the focus away from the main idea and maybe even start to stray away from that main idea as well.

Using opposing views is more for argumentative-type articles.

Answer 66

^ I agree

Answer 67

hm ok thanks

Answer 68

A shopping addiction is also another form of greed.Addictionrecov.org defines this addiction as “repetitive purchasing that becomes difficult to stop and ultimately results in harmful consequences”. This definition if very similar that of greed, in a sense that it is difficult to stop. In the story, the man with wings soon became less appealing to the people because of a new mystical creature known as the girl with a spider body. If it wasn’t for that new attraction, Elisenda wouldn’t stop collecting money. She would keep buying herself new materialistic items, it would soon become an addiction for her. The money in this case is the addiction for her.

Answer 69

@Irrati0nal at this point i feel like that isnt very well put together

Answer 70

ive run out of ideas to talk about

Answer 71

When is this due?

Answer 72

tomorrow :(

Answer 73

@EclipsedStar, what do you think?

Answer 74

Well what else can i write about that can do with greed?

Answer 75

I myself have not read the story, so don't know how to incorporate my ideas with the story plot... :(

From reading your most recent paragraph, I would say that the "money" isn't really a form of greed. Maybe the act of buying so much stuff as a form of greed would be better than the last sentence. :)

Answer 76

This is probably random, but here's my thought:

You could maybe incorporate something about how greed brings pain in various forms; in this case, the winged man suffered while they were getting richer. You could connect this thought with something similar that you have personally observed/experienced.

Answer 77

Hmm, that's not really how I wanted to say that. Let me revise that to the idea that with greed, pain is always present, no matter its form.

Answer 78

Ohhh! Thats a verry good idea!!

Answer 79

I can talk about the old days and the division of the rich and poor. Didnt the rich live off the poor or something?

Answer 80

Is that a good idea? lol

Answer 81

Hmm...it would work, but your ideas so far are relating to real-world examples. However if you're running out of ideas it would work.

Answer 82

Alright, well, @EclipsedStar @Irrati0nal @Jerry45 I appreciate your guyss help greatly! Thank you!

Answer 83

No problem! sorry my laptop wasn't working lol good luck byeee

Answer 84

You're very welcome, I'm happy to be of assistance.
Let us know if you need us to look over the finished product or if you need our help with anything else.

Thanks for using OpenStudy! :)

Answer 85

It is written very good. I like your style of writing. to be honest, I'm not really good at writing so I used to contact specialists like Supreme essay guys to help me. They can both proofread and edit your papers. So give them a try. Hope this helps!