how does my writing look?

One day my grandma and my younger brother and I went to Walmart to go shopping for food and toys and clothes.

We got to walmart. My grandma and my brother and I went into the store. My grandma needed to go and look at stuff in the video game section and then the clothing section. First we went to the clothing section. My grandma and my brother were looking at clothes for him. I saw a shirt that had sequins, I felt like I liked it, so I walked away to look at it. I picked it up and realized my grandma and brother were not around. I started worrying and then, all of a sudden I started crying. Then this very nice old lady saw me. I was a nine year old little girl crying in the girl's clothes aisle. She came over to me and she was like “honey are you ok?” “What's wrong?”

And i replied “i walked away from my grandma and brother because i saw this shirt with sequins”

she said “oh do you need help finding them?”.

I said “yes please i'm just so angry at myself for walking away from them”.

The nice old lady said “Here follow me, I can help you find them”.

I said “ok”. So then I followed the nice old lady.

She had taken me up to the cash registers, and tapped on a staff member's shoulder and said “hey miss, this little girl had walked away from her grandma and brother and she wanted to know if you could call out her grandma's name”.

The staff lady said “oh sure thing, yes i can call out her name”. Then the staff lady asked me what my grandmas name is “little girl what is your grandmas name?”

i answered “my grandma's name is teena hart” the staff lady said “ok i will try to help you as much as i can”

the staff lady grabbed the intercom phone and said over the intercom “Teena hart, please come up to customer service”, then the staff laddy repeated it three times. “Teena hart, please come up to customer service”, “teena hart, please come up to customer service”. Finally my grandma showed up to customer service and said “veronica where in the world were you?”, “we were looking everywhere for you”.

Then i said “i seen this sequins shirt and i walked away from you and marvin to look at more sequins shirts, and then i realized you and marvin were not around, so i started crying and this nice old lady asked me what was wrong so i told her then that how me and her ended up here at customer service”. My grandma said “oh, we’re just glad that your ok, and you should ask before doing that ever again”. “If you want the sequins

Question

how does my writing look?

One day my grandma and my younger brother and I went to Walmart to go shopping for food and toys and clothes.

We got to walmart. My grandma and my brother and I went into the store. My grandma needed to go and look at stuff in the video game section and then the clothing section. First we went to the clothing section. My grandma and my brother were looking at clothes for him. I saw a shirt that had sequins, I felt like I liked it, so I walked away to look at it. I picked it up and realized my grandma and brother were not around. I started worrying and then, all of a sudden I started crying. Then this very nice old lady saw me. I was a nine year old little girl crying in the girl's clothes aisle. She came over to me and she was like “honey are you ok?” “What's wrong?”

And i replied  “i walked away from my grandma and brother because i saw this shirt with sequins”

she said “oh do you need help finding them?”.

I said “yes please i'm just so angry at myself for walking away from them”.

The nice old lady said “Here follow me, I can help you find them”.

I said “ok”. So then I followed the nice old lady.

She had taken me up to the cash registers, and tapped on a staff member's shoulder and said “hey miss, this little girl had walked away from her grandma and brother and she wanted to know if you could call out her grandma's name”.

The staff lady said “oh sure thing, yes i can call out her name”. Then the staff lady asked me what my grandmas name is “little girl what is your grandmas name?”

i answered “my grandma's name is teena hart” the staff lady said “ok i will try to help you as much as i can”

the staff lady grabbed the intercom phone and said over the intercom “Teena hart, please come up to customer service”, then the staff laddy repeated it three times. “Teena hart, please come up to customer service”, “teena hart, please come up to customer service”. Finally my grandma showed up to customer service and said “veronica where in the world were you?”, “we were looking everywhere for you”.

Then i said “i seen this sequins shirt and i walked away from you and marvin to look at more sequins shirts, and then i realized you and marvin were not around, so i started crying and this nice old lady asked me what was wrong so i told her then that how me and her ended up here at customer service”. My grandma said “oh, we’re just glad that your ok, and you should ask before doing that ever again”. “If you want the sequins

RenegadeMaster · Answer

heres the second part: shirt i can buy it for you”. “Yep”, the nice old lady said, “im glad i helped you figranddaughter out hopefully she never does this again, she told me that she thought she could never find you”. Finally after my grandma purchased the things we wanted we walked out of the store, and got into the car and drove home.

THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RenegadeMaster · Answer

also note in this story it happened in real life and i was age 9

lilysoul · Answer

in the beginning instead of all of the and's try "my grandma,my younger brother, and i

RenegadeMaster · Answer

well, to tell you the truth my teacher told me it looked fine, also note this is a personal narrative writing essay

lilysoul · Answer

but i guess cause u were 9

lilysoul · Answer

it's great

RenegadeMaster · Answer

i wrote it yesterday and finished it today XD

sciencegirl · Answer

One word

RenegadeMaster · Answer

One word?

sciencegirl · Answer

amazing

afflatedAnimism · Answer

Looks good, but please add capitalization and correct punctuation :)

RenegadeMaster · Answer

THANKSSSSSS! right now im trying to process in my brain who ever gives the best response gets the best response medal :)

RenegadeMaster · Answer

hurry up TheWraith2021 so i can pick best response

prettygirl09 · Answer

OMG ITS TOTES A 100000000/10 I WUV IT BESTIEEEEEEEE <33333

RenegadeMaster · Answer

eeeeeee thank you bestie. i guess my bestie gets the best response bcz @TheWraith2021 is taking forever

kaleighh533 · Answer

mija unblock me so i can txt u silly

kaleighh533 · Answer

@renegademaster

RenegadeMaster · Answer

how do i do that?

TheWraith2021 · Answer

One day my grandma and my younger brother and I went to Walmart to go shopping for food and toys and clothes.

We got to walmart (Capitalize Walmart). My grandma and my brother and I went into the store. My grandma needed to go and look at stuff in the video game section and then the clothing section. First (put comma ,) we went to the clothing section. My grandma and my brother were looking at clothes for him. I saw a shirt that had sequins, (add ;) I felt like I liked it (just put you liked it. Saying "I felt like I liked it" sounds awkward), so I walked away to look at it. I picked it up and realized my grandma and brother were not around. I started worrying and then, all of a sudden (add comma ,) I started crying. Then this very nice (add ,) old lady saw me. I was a nine year old little girl crying in the girl's clothes aisle. She came over to me and she was like “honey (capitalize Honey) are you ok?” “What's wrong?”  (Don't add extra quotations ("" ; write "Honey, are you ok? What's wrong?")

And i (capitalize) replied  “i (capitalize the "i") walked away from my grandma and brother because i (capitalize) saw this shirt with sequins(period)”

she said “oh (capitalize oh) do you need help finding them?”. (delete period)

I said “yes (capitalize yes) please i'm (capitalize)just so angry at myself for walking away from them”. (switch the period and quotation mark around)

The nice old lady said “Here follow me, (period) I can help you find them”. (switch period and quotation)

I said “ok”.(capitalize)  So then I followed the nice old lady.

She had taken me up to the cash registers, and tapped on a staff member's shoulder and said “hey (capitalize hey)  miss, this little girl had walked away from her grandma and brother and she wanted to know if you could call out her grandma's name”. (switch quotation and period around)

The staff lady said “oh (capitalize) sure thing, (period) yes (capitalize, add comma) i (capitalize) can call out her name”. (switch period and quotation around) Then the staff lady asked me what my grandmas (grandma's) name is (add :) “little (capitalize) girl (add comma) what is your grandmas (grandma's) name?”

i (capitalize) answered “my (capitalize) grandma's name is teena hart” (capitalize the name) the (capitalize "the") staff lady said “ok i  (capitalize ok and i) will try to help you as much as i can” (add period)

the staff lady grabbed the intercom phone and said over the intercom “Teena hart, please come up to customer service”, then the staff laddy repeated it three times. “Teena hart, please come up to customer service”, “teena hart, please come up to customer service”. Finally my grandma showed up to customer service and said “veronica where in the world were you?”, “we were looking everywhere for you”.

Then i said “i seen this sequins shirt and i walked away from you and marvin to look at more sequins shirts, and then i realized you and marvin were not around, so i started crying and this nice old lady asked me what was wrong so i told her then that how me and her ended up here at customer service”. My grandma said “oh, we’re just glad that your ok, and you should ask before doing that ever again”. “If you want the sequins

Basically, the story was fine, but you have a bunch of grammatical errors.

RenegadeMaster · Answer

my teacher told me to write it like that dont judge  meeeeeeeeeee

TheWraith2021 · Answer

Your teacher told you to write with horrid grammar?

RenegadeMaster · Answer

MOMMMMMM

RenegadeMaster · Answer

THIS PERSON BULLYING ME

TheWraith2021 · Answer

No I'm not.

RenegadeMaster · Answer

YOU SURE ARE BUD

TheWraith2021 · Answer

I was asking a question. Furthermore, you're the one who asked me to review your story. I did exactly that.

kaleighh533 · Answer

@renegademaster wrote:

MOMMMMMM

unblock me

RenegadeMaster · Answer

im done arguing with u thewraith2021

TheWraith2021 · Answer

That's fine with me kiddo.

RenegadeMaster · Answer

im not a kiddo 
im a teeno

carmelle · Answer

The story is alright, but I do agree with 'thewraith' that you should work on punctuation and grammar. They weren't criticizing you or being "mean", they were simply giving suggestions. And if you are not open for `constructive criticism` then you shouldn't post your stories here :)

alphaXtiger · Answer

it good writting

BrokenMoon · Answer

You need to change the very first sentence. its a run on sentence, you need to use commas, not the word and over and over again

fckyou · Answer

Good you just need to add commas and periods

single1 · Answer

good

Rylee88 · Answer

long

RenegadeMaster · Answer

lol 
xd