i need feed back on this story it's due for today

There was once a kid named James Afton who was the smartest in his grade. He was an a+ student and came from a well-known family of skilled business. His parents fell in love 20 years ago and 16 years later he was born. As he grew up he became lonely his parents loved him but never had time for him and but he could never find the love at his school he tried several times in girls his grade but one day out of the blue a new female student was added into his classroom she was a blond girl with green eyes and had freckles on her face at first he thought she was like the other girls but at there break she went up to him and started to talk to him he thought it was a prank but five minutes later he fell in love with her ever since then that went out on dates every weekend and a few years later had a family James works as an animatronic maker and his wife is a businesswoman for an every well-respected company that helps those who needs jobs

Marry Schmidt- Had lived with her father for the longest time and all she can remember was him always yelling at her, every day she would come home from school do her homework, and listen to her dad scream at her for not doing things when he was home all day. She never wanted to live with her dad but she knew that it was best for her until she could move with her mom. In about 6th grade I got a call that I was going to be with her mom soon and I kept going with all the cuts on her arms, I finally found the light at the end of her tunnel, but when she went to grade 7th that’s when her life changed. As soon as she walked into her new classroom she was a shy type of girl but very smart. On January 12, she fell in love with James Afton and confessed her love for him. That day she had gotten nervous then walked up to him and told him how handsome he was, the way he made her feel, and how she could see herself marrying him and how much of a gentleman he was. After about the 3 dates she asked him if he would like to be her boyfriend He said yes and she was filled with happiness and joy, After that about 7 years went by and they got married, it was a long road but they made it through, and right now we are working to make as much money as we can for the upcoming baby!

Their baby boy’s name is Luke Afton and he loves these parents and he is doing well at school, his parents and he on the weekends go out to places like the mall, parks, restaurants, etc. They had their issues

Question

i need feed back on this story it's due for today

There was once a kid named James Afton who was the smartest in his grade. He was an a+ student and came from a well-known family of skilled business. His parents fell in love 20 years ago and 16 years later he was born. As he grew up he became lonely his parents loved him but never had time for him  and but he could never find the love at his school he tried several times in girls his grade but one day out of the blue a new female student was added into his classroom she was a blond girl with green eyes and had freckles on her face at first he thought she was like the other girls but at there break she went up to him and started to talk to him he thought it was a prank but five minutes later he fell in love with her ever since then that went out on dates every weekend and a few years later had a family James works as an animatronic maker and his wife is a businesswoman for an every well-respected company that helps those who needs jobs

Marry Schmidt- Had lived with her father for the longest time and all she can remember was him always yelling at her, every day she would come home from school do her homework, and listen to her dad scream at her for not doing things when he was home all day. She never wanted to live with her dad but she knew that it was best for her until she could move with her mom. In about 6th grade I got a call that I was going to be with her mom soon and I kept going with all the cuts on her arms, I finally found the light at the end of her tunnel, but when she went to grade 7th that’s when her life changed. As soon as she walked into her new classroom she was a shy type of girl but very smart. On January 12, she fell in love with James Afton and confessed her love for him. That day she had gotten nervous then walked up to him and told him how handsome he was, the way he made her feel, and how she could see herself marrying him and how much of a gentleman he was. After about the 3 dates she asked him if he would like to be her boyfriend He said yes and she was filled with happiness and joy, After that about 7 years went by and they got married, it was a long road but they made it through, and right now we are working to make as much money as we can for the upcoming baby!

Their baby boy’s name is Luke Afton and he loves these parents and he is doing well at school, his parents and he on the weekends go out to places like the mall, parks, restaurants, etc. They had their issues

mariah16 · Answer

It's good but I feel like some of the words could be said in a different way... Well that's my opinion and good job

yarieliz · Answer

it is good just use good words and storyline.

TheWraith2021 · Answer

This could use some work man. The story is too short and as a result, this feels unbelievable. A new girl comes to class and then BAM! Instantly in love with her. No sir, that's not how it works. Sure, he might think she's hot, but there's no way anyone will fall in love that quickly unless they're a fool. Next, after three dates they already become boyfriend and girlfriend?? Maybe it's just me, but I need a lot more than three dates to decide if I wanna be with someone.

Then you rush and say that they got married. Man, they literally just got together and now they're married?? You're going to take your readers on ride down the interstate, going 200 mph, and take a tight turn suddenly, giving them whiplash with how sudden this all is. Another thing is that you say they have a baby boy (as in a newborn) but you mention he does school? How does that work? You might want to just change that to boy. Or young boy. You also have some capitalization errors and have a few run-on sentences.

Not trying to be obtuse here or anything. Just wanted to give an honest critique so you can improve yourself.

PrestonTX · Answer

you did really good ngl better than i could do

Sailor · Answer

You did pretty good. I would suggest rewording some of the sentences however.

YRJ8498 · Answer

you did good but listen to what everyone else is saying because their feedback is better than Anything I could tell you

ILOVESPAGHETTI · Answer

@thewraith2021 wrote:

This could use some work man. The story is too short and as a result, this feels unbelievable. A new girl comes to class and then BAM! Instantly in love with her. No sir, that's not how it works. Sure, he might think she's hot, but there's no way anyone will fall in love that quickly unless they're a fool. Next, after three dates they already become boyfriend and girlfriend?? Maybe it's just me, but I need a lot more than three dates to decide if I wanna be with someone. Then you rush and say that they got married. Man, they literally just got together and now they're married?? You're going to take your readers on ride down the interstate, going 200 mph, and take a tight turn suddenly, giving them whiplash with how sudden this all is. Another thing is that you say they have a baby boy (as in a newborn) but you mention he does school? How does that work? You might want to just change that to boy. Or young boy. You also have some capitalization errors and have a few run-on sentences. Not trying to be obtuse here or anything. Just wanted to give an honest critique so you can improve yourself.

I agree with this critique. Another nitpick I have with this is that you just outright say everything. The story isn't very interesting when you word everything like it's a timeline or something. I think you could improve by taking things just a tad slower as well, as the critique states. I would not like to offend you but I would like to help you improve your writing skills. The plot I think could go somewhere with some improvement. Good job!

BrokenMoon · Answer

i likey

b1az34 · Answer

thanks guys and all done

Trashy · Answer

nice

Cheythepie56 · Answer

i like it